Gary Neville, former England defender and just the sort of pundit laughingstock Sky Sports loves to snap up and groom for nowhere near greatness, has brought his formidable lack of insight to the Conservative Party Fiasco Club's appalling run of form.
'Fielding 63 substitutes in one match is something no one has got away with previously,' droned Neville to millions of viewers paying more attention to what next door's tortoise is up to. 'They've got this endless stream of players with no experience, skill, or talent whatsoever, and when one of them fails to hit a ferry in a port full of ferries, they eventually prod out another incompetent substitute after the game is already lost. It's unbelievable how they take the rules, ignore them completely, and yet still manage to concede so much.'
'And then there's the post-match interviews. You couldn't get away with that level of unprofessionalism in my day. Claiming they've actually won the match by eleventy thousand goals when everyone has clearly seen them let loads of sitters in - that's just rude. They haven't even been in the opposition half for four years and, for me, that's a world-beating level of play we've never seen before.'
'You'd think cheating by fielding several teams at the same time might get them somewhere. But when they threw the European Research Group on, their game became even more littered with schoolboy errors. They tried to shift the play to the far right, and convince fans that it was all about banana shots, but all they actually achieved was triple the own goal rate. And you could see it in the body language of the whole team that they were crapping their pants at the prospect of having to face a squad that would properly destroy them, like ECJ United. The only way they were going to survive was to take themselves out of European competition completely.'
'I'm shaking my head though, because this new opposition has been running rings around CPFC, and all they've been able to respond with is playing the man, not the ball. Again, they've tried unlevelling the playing field, shifting the goalposts, and kicking racism right back in to football. Seriously, we've all been told there is no room for racism, but that's with the exception of the Cabinet office. And Ministers' private offices. It wouldn't matter if they played a 4-300,000349-2-1 formation, the opposition is smashing the filth out of Conservative Party Fiasco Club with a classic 0-0-1 formation. Marcus Rashford just keeps banging in winners against them, and he's doing it in his spare time for free.'