Inspired perhaps by J.K. Rowling's recent admission that she might consider writing another episode in the Harry Potter series, the supreme being God is reportedly thinking about coming out of semi-retirement to pen "one last Testament", in the belief that his army of readers may not have fully understood the messages behind the first two books.
"I thought I'd been pretty unambiguous in the Old and New Testaments," He explained to praying reporters yesterday, "But it seems there's always some idiot who doesn't get the bloody message. I mean - 'Thou shalt not kill' - as commandments go, that's pretty clear, what's not to understand? What makes you think that for any reason you can go around killing people you don't agree with? Even if you decide they're really really bad? What part of my job description don't you get? I decide who's bad, and what happens to them. Your job is to shut the feck up, stop whinging, and get on with praising Me."
"It's like that bloody Tea Party in the USA. They call themselves Christians, but it's all guns and no health care - did they miss the whole 'love thy neighbour' bit? I can't hammer it home any more without ruining the writing style altogether - throw me a bone, guys!"
"And as for the whole masturbation thing - for My sake, get a grip! Look - the whole point of the Onan story was that he was told by his father to get someone pregnant, and pulled out every time. That's where the 'seed on the ground' business comes in, there's no wanking, so stop pretending it's about that, OK? Actually read the sodding thing if you don't believe me. Jesus wept. I'm allowed to say that, by the way."
"So I'm going to spell it out in words of one syllable this time. There'll be a king who starts a war just to get oil. He'll burn slowly in Hell. And some other king who goes along with it, he'll have a ten-foot pole rammed up his arse, and be roasted over a fire. Now, is that allegory too oblique for you?"