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Genuine question (that's why it's in this room, not The Other Place - but hat-tip to Adrian Bamforth).
Answer either as
- if you were Pence
- if you were your NewsBicuit persona
- if you were who you are in the real world (no need to actually identify yourself, obvs.)
- or even if you were none of the above but somebody else altogether (specify who!)
- Selfie of myself with finger on big red button
- Branding meetings to see if I could get a cut of all the limited edition merchandise, and how - much I should charge for signing it all
- Squadrons of hookers and minor celebrities for drink and drug-fuelled antics on the Oval desk, because you don't want to be remembered as the only one who didn;t
- Pose for portraiture, make sure you get included on teh run of President paintings.
- Phone various world leaders for bantz and make a note of their numbers and how you get through
- As above for celebrities/sports stars
- Announce some awards going to various people who can be important/useful to me in future life, again, because you don't want to be remembered as the only one who didn't
- Get something named after me, preferably bankrolled through public funds, obvs
- Walk past the guards on the door to get saluted so often it becomes borderline uncomfortable
- Ring for takeaway just to be able to say the delivery address and hear the gulp (hopefully) in the answerer's voice
- Max photo opportunities - celebs, babies, schoolkids, anyone important who'll come and see me
- Find someone bad we can assassinate, and film me watching while they get snuffed
- If that goes well, trigger a border incident and trial a wee invasion
- Propose a peace settlement 'as soon as you get to hear of it', and make sure its named after me
- While we're at it, propose a new boundary between some countries that each depend massively on US aid, and ensure that's named after me
- Don't think we've got time for the Middle East peace accord, we've got to keep this realistic
- Time pressing now, crystal maze style, so offer everybody free burgers if they come to the whitehouse lawn, get some speechwriters to come up with something punchy, brief, legendary, inspirational, nonsensical and applicable to many different circumstances - something like' Though our time may be brief, we're only bounded by the heights of our dreams and the depths of our passion. You are amazing, and you've so got this'.
- Whip back to the Whitehous before Pickfords arrive, do the Love Actually dance around the White House, wipe your arse on the Oval Office curtains and we gone...
Boom tish!
Did I ever bore you with my application to The Apprentice? I told them I was CEO of Clown Club and wanted to launch a global clown network. All my answers were very silly - for example, under 'How did you hear about the opportunity?' I said that clowns have a vast intelligence network and communicate via Morse code on their honker horns. Under 'physical disabilities' I listed enormous feet. Etc. Evert answer was silly in the extreme.
They invited me to interview. Says it all, really.
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