Drivers of white vans tend to have a poor reputation as aggressive and inconsiderate drivers. However, a report published today by the University of Birmingham's Centre for Evolutionary Biology depicts these men as victims rather than offenders.
Strangely, this discovery emanates from research into why birds fly into power lines. It was found that some birds have evolved to have excellent downward vision in order to spot prey etc. during flight, but they have developed this at the expense of having huge blind-spots in their forward vision.
Professor James Whitlock of the University of Birmingham explains. “I am an evolutionary biologist, but my hobby is ornithology. Therefore, I was aware of my colleagues' findings regarding why cranes, storks and bustards fly into power lines. I was driving home one day when this white van started tailgating me. I observed the driver in my mirror and found that, as usual, he didn't seem to be paying any attention to what was ahead of him. I angrily shouted, 'Watch where you're going, you stupid bustard!', and then it clicked. This guy is just a victim of evolutionary adaptation.”
Further study confirmed Professor Whitlock's hypothesis. It was found that White Van Man's eyesight is perfectly adapted to such tasks as leering at short-skirted girls through his side-windows, or the minute study of a freshly dredged bogey on his fingertip before popping it into his mouth, but is completely inadequate for forward vision. Similarly his hands could be used to dexterously fiddle with his van's radio, send text messages or rummage his balls through his trouser pockets whilst driving, but proved woefully inadequate for use in, say, signalling his intentions to other road-users. One notable exception to this was his highly developed window-winding and finger signalling expertise.
Professor Whitlock continued, “We managed to trace White Van Man's evolutionary timeline from Round Boulder Man through Wooden Cart Man and Hay Wagon Man to the present. In contrast to human evolution as a whole, White Van Man's line has shown a steady decrease in brain capacity coupled with a marked increase in belly size. The only reason they have not died out through natural selection is that when they cause an accident they tend to come out unscathed because they're encased in a thick white skin. The bastards!”
So next time you're cut-up by some moron recklessly driving a white van, spare a thought for the poor driver. Trapped in an irreversible evolutionary regressive timeline; his descendants doomed to be fat, ignorant wasters. Spawner of the traffic wardens of the future.