The village of Stanford in the Vale, Oxford, made motoring history today as their innovative explosive traffic calming scheme claimed its ninth speeding victim this month.
Residents of the sleepy Oxford village became frustrated with people from outside the village using the route through to access local services, particularly the local accident and emergency department and Oxford North’s Jobcentreplus offices.
In what is thought to be the first of its kind, the local residents’ community group has laid a field of landmines and improvised explosive devices (IED) across the routes in and out of the village. This work, carried out in conjunction with the Oxford Community Safety Partnership (OCSP) and Al-Qaeda in the Vale (AQV) has made an impressive impact on speeding motorists.
Neighbourhood speed co-ordinator, Abu Atta Al-Qurayshi, told us how it all came about: 'AQV was looking for someone to partner with in the North Oxford area as part of our rural outreach programme. We tried using Craigslist, but to no avail. One day, one of our sleeper cells came across Stanford and we popped along to a community forum. We met up after that with the local residents’ association and got on like a house on fire.’
The village invited local MP, Ed Vaizey, to open the scheme earlier this year. Ed marked the ceremony by remotely triggering a bomb, happily catching a Mondeo doing 34 miles an hour. Ed said, ‘If only it had been a BMW or Porsche, apparently they’re giving points away for these you can redeem in the local Spar. Good work all round, chaps!’
However, there has been criticism that since bringing in the explosive traffic calming measures, cars have actually taken to driving through at speeds in excess of 90mph; in response the partnership points to the 100% reduction in repeat offending by those caught by the scheme.
Plans are now afoot to expand the programme to tackle other nuisance behaviour, including a round-the-clock sniper post in the 10th century church to crack down on the extensive dog fouling problem, as well as unleashing clouds of genetically modified killer mosquitoes at night to discourage young people from congregating around the local off licence.
General Sir Richard Dannatt, the local postmaster, told us, ‘Ultimately, we’d like to get our hands on a nuclear weapon of some sort. We’ve had a few fat people moving into the area, and some bugger keeps trying to build low-cost housing on the outskirts of the village. If we can’t get the planners to stop it, we’ll just have to nuke the whole place, probably at our summer fête.’