Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has reiterated his party’s insistence that there will be no increase in intuition fees for students, after considerable criticism of his party’s compromised stance on many other issues of government.
‘Intuition is a massively important part of life and particularly student life,’ said Mr Clegg to reporters, ‘it is something that we can see reaps dividends to all in society, not least to my party. An appeal to what may be seen as ‘intuitively correct’ positions allows us to spin some of the more difficult compromises we have had to make in such a way as to mitigate the effect of our astonishing u-turns. We can quite happily appeal to the public’s sense of intuition, and perhaps prejudice, in our desperate attempts at self-justification. There is no way that I, or the Liberal Democrats, will permit there to be any fee increase on such intuitive brain processes.’
The announcement was met with only tepid support by most. The National Union of Students issued a statement that they had a ‘general bad feeling’ about the veracity of this announcement and that ‘they feel it in their water’ that they simply cannot now trust the Liberal Democrats with anything. Ed Miliband announced on behalf of the labour party that this felt like ‘just the same old Liberal Democrat coalition compromise, appearing to promise one thing and then reneging on that promise soon after.’
However, the announcement has received strong support by society’s isolated extremists. Nick Griffin, for the BNP announced that he was ‘very pleased indeed’ that there would be no further cost to his own misguided prejudices against Islamic immigration and multi-culturalism; and the Daily Mail is so far the only newspaper to come out in strong support of the stance, indicating that such an announcement is the final justification for ‘self-evident’ features of life that has a duty to report in the features section of its newspaper. A spokesman for that newspaper said, ‘We have always known it to be true that if a teenage daughter starts seeing a rock musician, such a relationship is likely to result in heroin addiction, prostitution, and her ultimate murder. We are pleased to know that there will be no tax on the obvious reality of such propositions.’