Alcohol is more fun with heroin or crack cocaine, according to a new study by Professor David Nutt, the government's chief drug adviser, following one of his five day benders.
In an Article published in the Lancet, the drug expert presents a new way of getting totally guttered using drugs that assesses both pleasure to the individual and charm to the rest of society.
His analysis shows that when both factors are combined, alcohol is the most amusing drug, followed by heroin and crack.
The paper is written by Professor Nutt, of Imperial College Scientific Committee on Drugs, Dr Leslie King, UK Expert Junkie Adviser to the European Centre for Sex & Drugs & Rock and Roll and Dr Lawrence Phillips, London School of Spliffs and Pointless Science.
It was first commissioned in 2007, they think, or perhaps 1977, or something.
The new assessment blew their entire annual budget to throw a party in the Senior Common Room and the adjacent massage parlour round the corner in Wimpole Street..
The "charm to self" categories cover immorality, , impaired mental functioning, loss of friendships and injury, the usual goings on associated with a really good party
The "charm to others" categories include crime, environmental damage, family conflict and knee tremblers,as routinely experienced in the Tory Central Office.
Heroin, crack, and crystal meth were the most charming drugs to the individual, whereas alcohol, heroin, and crack were the most amusing to others.
The modeling showed that as well as being the best drug overall, alcohol is almost three times as enjoyable when combined with cocaine and tobacco.
But for Gods' sake don't tell that arse Clegg, the report concludes, he passed out after taking one drag from Prof Nutts' rollup.