Printer giant Hewlett Packard have announced that they have detained Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden on suspicion of aiding and abetting the unauthorised tampering with their printer toner cartridges.
The printer manufacturer today issued the following official statement:
“We were deeply shocked to learn that our toner cartridges were being used to create explosive devices. As a company we would like to make it clear that we find this action abhorrent in the extreme. We were appalled and sick to our collective stomachs at this abuse of the terms of our usage agreement which clearly state that the refilling of cartridges is prohibited. The potential losses in financial terms don't bear thinking about.”
“In such cases we must move swiftly in order to protect our business model. We can't allow the substitution of our quality premium toner product with relatively cheap, unbranded, PETN explosive. Therefore, within hours of the media reports of the plane bombs we had sent one of our HP security guards to Afghanistan to investigate the ringleaders of this refill scam. We are pleased to announce that our operation has been successful and that a Mr. Osama bin Laden is currently being detained in the back office of 'Images of Allah R Us', our local HP dealership in Kabul.”
At a hastily assembled press conference in Kabul, Timothy Whitehead, the security guard from Romford who arrested bin Laden, expressed surprise at the ease of finding him. “Everyone knows old Osama round here. I just, like, asked around at all the usual places, you know, the used pick-up truck dealer, the mosque, the AK47 shop etc.”
Asked why he thought the American security forces had been unable to find bin Laden after so many years of conflict and searching, Whitehead said, “I think they may have been looking in the wrong places. It may not be immediately obvious, but the locals here have a great sense of humour - the 'Afghan craic' as it's known. They kept tipping off the Americans that Osama had been seen at the synagogue or the barbers or the beauticians or the girls' school or the disco, or he'd deffo been seen down the pub with his old mukka, Yasser. As you can imagine it's taken them some time to follow up on these reports.”
“Anyway, back to my search. My big breakthrough came at the newsagents. They remembered Mr. bin Laden well because of his subscription to the Daily Mail. He swears by it apparently. I eventually found him where they said, sitting in a deck-chair at his cave entrance reading Julie Burchill. Seemed a decent sort of bloke. Most apologetic he was. Kept saying he was sorry to put me to so much trouble but he honestly hadn't realised that he'd done anything wrong. Hadn't read the user agreement, you see. Usual problem.”