British Telecoms has appointed Gavin Smitherman as its new CTM (chief technology mysticiser) with a brief to make simple concepts sound far more confusing and high blown than they actually are.
The city reacted well to the announcement, with a load of money being heaped onto the NASDAQ, or something.
With the general public more or less coming to realise that the Internet is a bit like a newspaper, only worse for your eyes and with lower than average quality, the markets have reacted badly to web publishing. Many technology companies have made urgent searches for people who could re-complicatise the process of seeking out porn and prejudice.
Smitherman, head-hunted from Dukes and Co estate agents in South Norwood, has been given a brief to complicatise the entire portfolio of BT services and is expected to double the average length of any technology term or concept. 'If people understand any of this shit, I'm not doing my job properly,' Smitherman told friends. In an official announcement, he told press and analysts that he would seek to leverage his core competence with an ongoing commitment to excellence in engaging contentisation in real time.
'Ever since the first computer was dissolved in water and started to shine in the dark, people have been looking for glowball IT solutions," said tame journalist Rupert Goodytwoshoes, editor of IT Geek magazine.
Though he hails from a south norwood consumer property lettings background, Smitherman has long been passionate about mysticising computers and shit. The BT board was impressed by some of Smitherman's early work, when he worked in the Crystal Palace all-you-can-eat-and-drink Steak house, but described his role as 'stepping up to the plate, liaising with steak holders and delivering alcoholic solutions at the point of need.'
Friends of Smitherman say he was passionate about customer service solutions - to the point where he often used to jerk off in the mayonnaise.
'There's been a total paradigm shift,' said one of those twatty IT analysts who can be relied upon to lend weight to this sort of nonsense, 'and if the rest of the market doesn't catch up ,they could be left out in the cold.'