Classic News:

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Welfare Bill to be assessed for personal independence

The government has announced that the Welfare Bill has been passed but has suffered some serious attrition while on it's journey through...

Throngsman

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Occasional tennis player surprised to learn he’s the British no 7

Occasional tennis player Colin Sawdust of Oswestry was surprised to turn on the BBC’s coverage of Wimbledon and see himself described as...

eppursimuove

LA cop sues Australian reporter for shooting her in the leg

A Los Angeles police officer who has exercised his right to remain anonymous so that he may continue his duty of shooting innocent people...

Steveb

Man outraged that punk band does punk thing

Controversy swirls in the aftermath of Glastonbury, after several music acts had the temerity to do something musical. Worse still,...

Wrenfoe

Caption Competition: Friday 4th July

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Twitter: https://x.com/NewsBiscuit or Facebook:...

Seychelles Invests in Crabto Currency.

Winner: Dick Everyman Runners-Up: "Scientists discover arm-paralysing starfish also causes facial rictus." (Rob Falconer); "Killer...

Blind Drunk Again.

Winner: FlashArry Runners-Up: "Execution: the civilised way." (Lockjaw); "This full-bodied white is the perfect tipple for someone...

Director General confirms BBC will not be televising Glastonbury 2026

Problems at doughnut company were sugar coated

Money Laundering Racketeers get hung out to dry

Starmer now less popular than coffee Revels

Putin admits his preferred assassination method has gone out the window

King Charles III graciously accepts Royal Replacement Bus Service

Israel report no IDF casualties from Glastonbury chanting

Arsonist caught using burner phone

Horoscopes for July, 2025

Aries Time to pull yourself together. Your emotional support animal now needs its own emotional support animal. Taurus Don’t put off a...

Lockjaw

Meanwhile, on a Disney cruise liner in the Bahamas ...

Trump's inner sanctum

Knitting becomes hot topic

Meanwhile, on the stinky streets of Brum ...

Smart motorways to be ‘enhanced’ with grand pianos suspended over the fast lane

The Government’s Head of Motorway Safety, Wile E. Coyote, has announced further safety measures for smart motorways. ‘Removing the hard...

Discovered smuggling teens to R Kelly: 'still not Ghislaine’s fault'

Panicked defenders of Ghislaine Maxwell have been scrabbling for further laughable excuses for her behaviour, as, despite being...

Pundits comment on the crisis at Thames Water

Yes, Thames Water is washed up and in deep water and, indeed, in deep doo-doo. All is not well. The company can’t tap investors for more...

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

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Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

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Politics

Welfare Bill to be assessed for personal independence

The government has announced that the Welfare Bill has been passed but has suffered some serious attrition while on it's journey through...

Lisa Nandy 'needed smelling salts' after viewing Glastonbury

"She was sitting there innocently watching the BBC's coverage of Glastonbury, wondering whether it would be something a bit like...

Git the Younger to take over Warwickshire Council

Warwickshire County Council was rocked this week by the resignation of its leader, Git the Elder, leaving his 18 year old deputy...

Spiteful Starmer creates Four Tier Justice

After being falsely accused of creating a two tier justice system, Starmer makes a four tier League of Justice, just out of spite and...

Personal Independence to cease to exist

The government is looking at modifying the benefits bill passing through Parliament following a backlash from over one hundred Labour...

World endures 24-hour salvo of gloating from Trump

'I came, I bombed, I made everlasting peace everywhere,' bragged Trump to two dozen images of himself reflected in the lenses of...

1000 MAGA supporters score a collective IQ of zero in Harvard research project

In what's being seen by many as something of a blow to Donald Trump's planet-sized ego, researchers at Harvard University have revealed...

Poll reveals WW III preferred by most Brits compared to Boris Johnson's return to Downing Street

With talk of Armageddon rife across the globe, a new poll published this morning reveals the majority of Britons would prefer to endure...

World hoping Iran less psychotic than USA & Israel

President Trump is basing his strategy, on the hope that Iran will NOT do what the US/Israel has been doing. Straight from the...

Trump aims for Nobel Peace Prize by causing Armageddon

White House officials were quick to confirm that President Trump's decision to involve US Forces in bombing Iranian Nuclear Sites was all...

LA cop sues Australian reporter for shooting her in the leg

A Los Angeles police officer who has exercised his right to remain anonymous so that he may continue his duty of shooting innocent people...

Horoscopes for July, 2025

Aries Time to pull yourself together. Your emotional support animal now needs its own emotional support animal. Taurus Don’t put off a...

Man bases entire personality on coffee habits

A Suffolk man has based his entire work-persona and all office social interactions on his coffee preferences, it can be revealed. Philip...

New Prince Philip Statue Offends From Every Angle

Unveiling his remodelling of St James's Park and tributes to Queen Elizabeth II's reign, Lord Foster also showed initial designs for a...

A very popular store near YOU is closing SOON

A much-loved and popular store near you is closing soon. Loyal shoppers are devastated and say that the closure will have life changing...

‘Why can’t you be more flirty?’ demands customer

Consumers report a 38% decrease in lingering eye contact and coquettish banter among the serving classes. A recent study suggests that an...

Man who fails to knock out pub hardnut says “Now is the time for diplomacy”

A man who crept up behind the hardest bloke in his local pub and hit him with a barstool but failed to knock him out has said he feels...

Old guy who says 'it's a funny old world' not laughing

Edgar Chronic, 78, is known locally for his life mantra that 'it's a funny old world'. For some reason he stopped using the phrase when...

Britain to Run Out of Beer Before Suncream

With the UK in the grip of a mini heatwave and temperatures peaking this weekend, supermarkets report they are running low on typical hot...

Trump wants swimming certificate because Obama got one

United States President Donald Trump has expressed surprise that he hasn’t yet been presented with a swimming award, despite no evidence...

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

We were warned about Clippy!

As Artificial Intelligence is embedded in every aspect of your life, from your allegedly smart watch, your Sky Glass TV, the algorithm...

Coca-Cola to launch Coke Water

Following the success of Diet Coke and Coke Zero, the company is set to launch it's most "radical" product yet: Coke Water. "Zero has no...

UK to buy nuclear-capable TREB-35A trebuchets

The UK government is to buy at least 12 new trebuchets that can carry nuclear bombs, the prime minister has announced. Sir Keir Starmer...

RyanAir to Carry British Nuclear Bombs

At this week's NATO Summit, Sir Keir Starmer announced that RyanAir had been chosen to carry and potentially deliver the UK's airborne...

Shroud of Turin confirmed to be British man’s bath towel

Scientists have authenticated the religious relic proposed to be the burial shroud of Christ to be a British man’s threadbare bath towel....

No budget for assisted dying, says Government

After voting for Assisted Dying last week, the government has told voters that there is no budget to pay for it. Protestors have been out...

WW3 postponed due to ban on Arabic numerals

As US President Donald Trump personally deploys bunker busting bombs on Iran by leaning out of a B2 bomber, critics who claim he is...

Britain to Run Out of Beer Before Suncream

With the UK in the grip of a mini heatwave and temperatures peaking this weekend, supermarkets report they are running low on typical hot...

Scientists train AI to predict Trump's next move

Scientists at the Institute for Extreme Intelligence in Switzerland have trained a LLM (Large Language Model) to predict President...

Heatwave forces workers back to the office

Offices across the UK are reporting their highest attendance since the 2020 Pandemic as employees shun working from home to embrace an...

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey. “We’ve been aware for some...

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home. “50% of domestic fires start in...

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that...

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats. Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”,...

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

A well-known London Council, celebrated for persistently ignoring residents’ opinions on matters that deeply affect them has launched an...

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

He had only been out of the country for two-days, but King Charles III discovered the UK had changed all the locks when he tried to get...

Who's started a new family tradition

The Cooke family from Redcar have boldly established a new tradition for Saturday night. Every Saturday, at around 6.30pm, the family...

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do. His family were initially sceptical given...

Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod

Border security officers have been duped by illegal migrants on the Kent coast hiding inside a giant wooden fish. Britain’s treasured...

King for sale, hardly used

UK selling King to raise emergency cash for much needed night out, and also with view to saving money by dropping Kingdom part of name.

Local News

Occasional tennis player surprised to learn he’s the British no 7

Occasional tennis player Colin Sawdust of Oswestry was surprised to turn on the BBC’s coverage of Wimbledon and see himself described as...

Man outraged that punk band does punk thing

Controversy swirls in the aftermath of Glastonbury, after several music acts had the temerity to do something musical. Worse still,...

Samaritans calls for an end to EastEnders

Samaritans crisis counselling service has made an urgent plea to EastEnders producers begging them to stop making the long-running soap....

British Tennis Academy to focus on “choking”

The newly set-up British Tennis Academy published its syllabus today, revealing that in addition to the usual tennis skills and fitness...

All England Club to use virtual nets

Wimbledon will be the first grand slam competition to use virtual tennis nets, although line calls have been computerised for some time....

UK connections word game baffles yanks

A British version of the popular word game Connections is baffling Americans. 'It sure is tough, heavy, onerous, hard,' complained Jake...

Trump wants swimming certificate because Obama got one

United States President Donald Trump has expressed surprise that he hasn’t yet been presented with a swimming award, despite no evidence...

Wimbledon tennis to use virtual nets

In a controversial move, the Wimbledon tennis tournament will use virtual nets on the main courts from next year. Wimbledon will be the...

Weight of Royal medals may have caused structural damage to Buckingham Palace balcony

Weight of Royal medals may have caused structural damage to Buckingham Palace balcony, say engineers The weight of military medals,...

King Charles “really not that interested in soldiers marching about”

Following today’s Trooping of the Colour ceremony, Buckingham Palace has issued a statement saying King Charles really isn’t that...

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Welfare Bill to be assessed for personal independence

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Occasional tennis player surprised to learn he’s the British no 7

LA cop sues Australian reporter for shooting her in the leg

Man outraged that punk band does punk thing

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 4th July

Seychelles Invests in Crabto Currency.

Blind Drunk Again.

Director General confirms BBC will not be televising Glastonbury 2026

Problems at doughnut company were sugar coated

Money Laundering Racketeers get hung out to dry

Starmer now less popular than coffee Revels

Putin admits his preferred assassination method has gone out the window

King Charles III graciously accepts Royal Replacement Bus Service

Israel report no IDF casualties from Glastonbury chanting

Arsonist caught using burner phone

Horoscopes for July, 2025

Meanwhile, on a Disney cruise liner in the Bahamas ...

Trump's inner sanctum

Knitting becomes hot topic

Meanwhile, on the stinky streets of Brum ...

Smart motorways to be ‘enhanced’ with grand pianos suspended over the fast lane

Discovered smuggling teens to R Kelly: 'still not Ghislaine’s fault'

Pundits comment on the crisis at Thames Water

Our annual for 2021-22

Welfare Bill to be assessed for personal independence

Lisa Nandy 'needed smelling salts' after viewing Glastonbury

Git the Younger to take over Warwickshire Council

Spiteful Starmer creates Four Tier Justice

Personal Independence to cease to exist

World endures 24-hour salvo of gloating from Trump

1000 MAGA supporters score a collective IQ of zero in Harvard research project

Poll reveals WW III preferred by most Brits compared to Boris Johnson's return to Downing Street

World hoping Iran less psychotic than USA & Israel

Trump aims for Nobel Peace Prize by causing Armageddon

LA cop sues Australian reporter for shooting her in the leg

Horoscopes for July, 2025

Man bases entire personality on coffee habits

New Prince Philip Statue Offends From Every Angle

A very popular store near YOU is closing SOON

‘Why can’t you be more flirty?’ demands customer

Man who fails to knock out pub hardnut says “Now is the time for diplomacy”

Old guy who says 'it's a funny old world' not laughing

Britain to Run Out of Beer Before Suncream

Trump wants swimming certificate because Obama got one

We were warned about Clippy!

Coca-Cola to launch Coke Water

UK to buy nuclear-capable TREB-35A trebuchets

RyanAir to Carry British Nuclear Bombs

Shroud of Turin confirmed to be British man’s bath towel

No budget for assisted dying, says Government

WW3 postponed due to ban on Arabic numerals

Britain to Run Out of Beer Before Suncream

Scientists train AI to predict Trump's next move

Heatwave forces workers back to the office

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

Who's started a new family tradition

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod

King for sale, hardly used

Occasional tennis player surprised to learn he’s the British no 7

Man outraged that punk band does punk thing

Samaritans calls for an end to EastEnders

British Tennis Academy to focus on “choking”

All England Club to use virtual nets

UK connections word game baffles yanks

Trump wants swimming certificate because Obama got one

Wimbledon tennis to use virtual nets

Weight of Royal medals may have caused structural damage to Buckingham Palace balcony

King Charles “really not that interested in soldiers marching about”