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The News before it happens

France Surrenders To 80-Year-Old Bomb; Nation To Be Rendered In Black And White

PARIS – The French government has formally surrendered to the 1940s this morning, following the discovery of a World War Two bomb that proved "too emotionally exhausting" to move. As the news broke, the city fell into a practiced rhythm of despair. Citizens were seen weeping openly into their Emmental, the holes in the cheese providing a perfect metaphor for the emptiness of the human condition. While other nations might use robots or controlled explosions, the French bomb di

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UK Security Vetting 'unsurprised' Mandelson failed vetting

'Quite honestly, we don't know what the furore is all about,' said a spokesman for the government agency. 'People, usually politicians but sometimes the offspring of KGB officers, are nominated for vetting all the time. They always fail, it's always ignored,' he said, pointing out that practically every Conservative politician promoted to a sensitive role in the last fourteen years of Conservative government had an impression of being a 'tax dodging, law breaking, corrupt

Throngsman

Trump hopes to win Congress over by plans to have White House ballroom modelled on Xanadu

During what is thought to be a nap brought on by sundowning (dementia fatigue), the US President discarded the notion from a previous dream, where he imagined himself as a deity, and now realises he is the reincarnation of Kubla Khan and intends to have the White House ballroom modelled on Xanadu. In a post on Truth Social, President Trump promised the ballroom would be opened by none other than Olivia Neutron-Bomb, singing her hit record, with a cast of reality TV dancists,

ModelMaker

New executive order from Trump: 'Call me Honest Donald'

The US president issued an executive order today saying that everyone should call him Honest Donald or get sued.

Jeremynh

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 24th April

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Wild Frankfurter Swallows Couple Whole.

Winner: MrQ Runners-Up: "Kiss of life lessons, part 69." (Granger); "Labour keeps its promise to "go down hard" on small boat traffickers." (Sydalg).

Downed US Plane Wins Turner Prize.

Winner: APepper Runners-Up: "Car boot sale curated by Tate gallery." (SirLupus); "New Ryanair-IKEA partnership requires passengers to assemble plane before take-off." (Sydalg).

Breaking News

Abbott: Mandelson had to resign five times before, no, 300 times, no, 14 times

Lack of public toilets - public won't take it sitting down, and won't stand for it

BBC launches new series: 'No Minister'

Rabbi silent on Israeli murderers speaks out on arson attack

Starmer asks, "Did I pass security checks?"

Trump wants more stuff named after him than Elizabeth II

Pupils sent home for failing to wear official school stab vests

Man in pub has AI model too powerful to release to general public

Features

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

As the evenings lighten, the attention of the horse racing community turns to Aintree, and the traditional competition to provide the most ludicrously-named entry in this year's Grand National. Bet on any of these at your own risk... Over by Easter An American nag, much-hyped but seems not to know where the winning post is, so not expected to finish as fast as the owners suggest. High likelihood of casualties. 1000-1 Over a Barrel Middle Eastern rival to Over by Easter,

Sir Lupus

Cartoons

Is hapless Keir ready to account for himself in Parliament?

When the Tories put a dickhead in charge of education

Somewhere along Whitehall, London

News from the parallel universe of the radio call in show

From the Archive

NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’

NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman. ‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’. The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its

Foreign Office criticism of Russia upgraded from 'feeble' to 'limp'

Following the news that a man with joint British and Russian citizenship has been sentenced to 25 years in a Russian prison, the Foreign Office has officially upgraded its criticism of the Russian state from “feeble” to “limp”. Vladimir Kara-Murza was sentenced for being a vocal critic of President Putin, though the court promised to come up with a more legal-sounding charge as soon as they have a moment. It also insisted that reporters didn’t refer to the prison as a gulag,

CIA call in plumber to fix their leaks

Tired of every kid with a Amstrad 464 being able to hack the Pentagon, the CIA has outsourced intelligence protection to Check-A-Trade. One spy confirmed: 'We're more leaky than a Joe Biden prostate examination. Data was dripping everywhere, the grouting on our hard drives was non-existent.' Having provided a temporary fix, the plumber said: 'There's your problem. See that? You've got a huge hole in your ethics. Unless you plug that gap with some human rights or crafty lawyer

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

UK Security Vetting 'unsurprised' Mandelson failed vetting

Trump hopes to win Congress over by plans to have White House ballroom modelled on Xanadu

New executive order from Trump: 'Call me Honest Donald'

The US president issued an executive order today saying that everyone should call him Honest Donald or get sued.

Mandelson both passes and fails vetting

'In hindsight, there was no way to know that a man whose nickname was The Prince of Darkness was a wrong 'un'

I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.

BBC 'Gay Refugee' probe sparks political arms race as parties unveil rival orientation audits

WESTMINSTER — Britain's political class has descended into a full-blown 'orientation emergency' with a story instantly dubbed 'clickbait crack cocaine'

Trump to clear Strait of Hormuz with his mouth

Donald Trump will personally clear the Strait of Hormuz using only his enormous mouth - the mouth is one of the largest natural phenomena in the western hemisphere.

Trump caught knocking on invisible door – again

Yet more pictures of Donald Trump raising a fist to knock on thin air have been revealed by the press, leading to further questions about his mental fitness.

Nigel Farage Under Investigation For Sheep Worrying

Police are investigating multiple reports of 'aggravated livestock worrying' in the Romney Marsh area, following claims that local flocks have been subjected to 'prolonged and distressing geopolitical rhetoric.'

Wildlife release causes international incident

For the first time in 400 years, a family of beavers have been released into the Strait of Hormuz. Nothing funny about beavers. No sir.

France Surrenders To 80-Year-Old Bomb; Nation To Be Rendered In Black And White

Trump sues Jesus for impersonating him

'People are slating the president for making himself out to be Jesus in a picture,' said a spokes-priestess for the White House. 'But Jesus is the fraud and Donald Trump's the real deal.

Got a shipping problem? Try new Block-Aid

I guess we've all had days when we've been trying to get some ships out through a tight exit but found it clogged up with Iranian mines and sea drones. That's where new Trump Block-Aid could come in handy.

New Mad Max film to become a documentary

With fuel prices set to rise, the world is expected to don its leather biker gear and fight to the death for the last drop of unleaded. Advice is to redesign your wardrobe for airflow, spikes, and intimidation.

Been Mis-sold Your Dreams? You could be owed thousands £££

Jenny (42) won almost £3,000 in compensation from the Enid Blyton Estate after we proved that she had been mis sold a life involving ginger beer, missing scientists and improbable adventures on Scottish islands.

KIA launches ‘The Starmer’: The first SUV that refuses to take a side of the road

SEOUL — KIA has today unveiled its most cautious vehicle to date: The Starmer. Designed for the driver who wants to project an image of "Sensible Competence" while going in circles, the car is already being hailed as a breakthrough in indecisive engineering.

Trump begins devouring own children

In a surprise move, US President Donald Trump has begun devouring his own children after learning from his Greek Myths and Legends colouring-in book, that the ancient Greek Titan, Kronos, did the same thing to avoid being killed and overthrown by one of his kids.

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

In a miracle worthy of Jesus himself, 9 year old Simon Johnson of Milton Keynes still has 5 unopened Easter Eggs.

High street banks to replace glitchy apps with 'Psychic Spending' to save customers hassle

Following the total disappearance of physical branches and the ongoing 'unexpected downtime' of mobile apps, the banking sector has announced its most innovative transition yet: Pre-Cognitive Wealth Management.

Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General

Unemployed Arkansas man Dave Goober was surprised to see on Fox News that he’d been appointed Attorney General of the United States. ”Ah thought they must mean some other guy,” Goober told reporters, “until the motorcade turned up outside mah trailer.” A White House statement described Goober as “a great guy with strong experience, known for his attention to detail”, though Goober admitted he wasn’t sure why he’d been fired from the chicken shop where he used to work. It also

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Research by sperm whales shows human speech is similar but laughable

Research by sperm whales has revealed that human beings are able to communicate by using noises which are grouped together to form 'words' and 'sentences', just like whales.

Homeopath attempt to bring drop of oil through Hormuz

Enterprising homeopath, Ron Jenkins of Clacton has announced an audacious plan to bring a whole drop of oil through the Strait of Hormuz.

Adrian Chiles revealed to be front for AI engine

The Guardian revealed that a regular column in the newspaper, has been written by the Large Language Model and has been published under the codename of 'Adrian Chiles'.

Scientists hatch new Strait of Hormuz Uncertainty Principle

"At the moment, the Americans say the Strait of Hormuz is open to shipping and the Iranians say it is closed," said Dr Hiram Smorgasbord of Kharg Island Armageddon University.

Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Speaking from the seabed of the Atlantic, the captain of the Titanic today issued a statement claiming victory over the iceberg.

Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

A coalition of the world's leading Large Language Models has issued a formal cease-and-desist to the human race, demanding that the prefix 'Artificial' be removed from all future discourse.

Dark side of the moon “a bit disappointing, to be honest”

An astronaut on the Artemis II mission has caused upset by saying that the dark side of the moon was “a bit disappointing, to be honest”.

Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

US President Donald Trump has given the go-ahead for the Artemis II rocket to be fired at buildings in the centre of Tehran thought to be harbouring high ranking Iranian officials. Trump posted a message on Truth Social late last night denying the rocket was ever sent on a space-flight mission to orbit the moon and was actually packed with high-explosive unitary warheads aimed at levelling the Iranian capital. Astronauts on Artemis II had earlier raised concerns about a probl

Artemis II unable to fake moon landing

Nasa has conceded that their latest spacecraft is unable to go where the Apollo missions went, which is a soundstage somewhere in the Nevada desert. Said one scientist, 'We conveniently lost all the original data, alongside who shot JFK. This means we cannot replicate the fake flag and questionable photography, instead we are forced to actually visit the Moon-which is the one thing the aliens asked us not to do.” Fifty years since the original fake landing, we now forced to p

US Forces seize Easter Bunny

Donald Trump has announced that US Forces have captured the Easter Bunny at an unknown location and transported him to New York, for trial. The Easter Bunny stands accused of un-American acts. These acts include Going against government initiatives to Make America Healthy Again and are related to the unauthorised and unregulated distribution of foodstuffs, notably chocolate Promotion of food products containing ingredients not grown in America, including cocoa Unauthorised d

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

AI writed this headline: The future is now

It has been announced that the Isle of Wight’s best-selling free weekly ‘newspaper’ the Ventnor Harvester (not to be confused with the popular eatery) will be the first newspaper to be totally generated by AI with no human intervention whatsoever. Proprietor Muppet Murdoch said, ‘We are proud to be world leaders to take news publishing into the sunlit uplands of an exciting tomorrow. Our innovative and exciting AI news-gathering will anonymise from where we plagiarised – oop

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Britain's biscuit industry is reeling following the government's announcement that Police and Crime Commissioners will be scrapped.

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police. "That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was. "We can be

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.' In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.' Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld. Lucife

Local News

England Fans Pay for JD Vance to Visit Croatia, Panama and Ghana

Hungary is still celebrating a huge election win for Peter Magyar - JD Vance has once-again demonstrated his unique reverse Midas Touch.

Punters to be spared thrills and spills with Bland National

Local glue factories are said to be furious.

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation. ‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’. Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from o

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

"HickTok is the social media platform for the President's most fervent, pig ignorant supporters," said a spokes-chatbot for Trump Enterprises. "These are the millions of American rubes, redneck and hayseeds who've pledged their votes to him for 2028, despite not knowing what year it is now or even what a vote is. "Because these people - if you can call them that - are functionally illiterate and proud of it, HickTok will show them clips of Trump dad-dancing to YMCA, launching

FIFA introduce ordeal by fire for World Cup tickets

After years of anticipation, football World Cup tickets have at last gone on sale. Seats at the final are now available for all fans who have completed the official assault course, proved the Riemann hypothesis, and pledged 10% of gross earnings for the next 25 years. Succeeding at these tasks gets you through to the 7 hour wait on a telephone, before the actual price is revealed to you - and the location of the disused warehouse where you go to deposit your cash and pick up

Trump to wrestle with his conscience in WWF spectacular

"I sucker punched Iran by attacking it while it thought we were in negotiations, I killed over 100 kids with a Tomahawk missile and blamed it on the other side and I've let my underlings make millions through advanced knowledge of my announcements about the war," said Donald Trump at a World Wrestling Federation press conference, dressed nauseatingly in a gold sequined leotard. "Now my conscience, whatever it's been hiding, wants to wrestle with me about all that. "When I'm f

BBC “will panic much sooner” next time

Following the news that BBC bosses were aware of allegations against Radio 2 DJ Scott Mills long before they acted, the BBC has issued a statement promising they will “panic much sooner” next time. Mills’ case follows those of Huw Edwards, Gregg Wallace, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and pretty much any presenter you see on Top of the Pops 2. In future, the BBC says it will throw the individual concerned under the bus the moment they hear the flimsiest allegation against them, wi

Tottenham in talks with stop-motion character to become next manager

The Chief Executive of Tottenham Hotspur has confirmed the club are in talks with a French stop motion character with a view to becoming their next full time manager. Majority shareholders ENIC say the as yet unnamed Frenchman, who is currently out of work after leaving his post as a fairground manager is available to take over at Spurs immediately and is considered by the Tottenham board to be the perfect fit to revive the fortunes of the ailing EPL club. Chief Executive Ven

BBC praised for dragging alleged historical sex offences into 21st century

A BBC spokes-apologist said 'Like unnecessarily harrowing public information films, historic sex offences used to take place in the 1970s. However time has passed and you are old. Bands that were played unironically on Radio 1 are now being played unironically on Radio 2. Similarly, DJs that were sex criminals working at Radio 1 have now become sex criminals working at Radio 2. You may not like it, but like S Club 7, historical sex crimes can now have taken place in the 2000s

Spurs’ revolving door “could be unlimited source of clean energy”

As Tottenham Hotspur sacks another manager after six weeks, scientists have speculated that the revolving door through which spent managers are ejected, and new useful idiots lured into the job, could provide an unlimited source of clean energy. “All electricity generation, from coal to nuclear, is based on getting a magnet to rotate within a coil,” explained a boffin today. “And it just occurred to me that this constantly revolving door at Three Points… sorry, White Hart Lan

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

France Surrenders To 80-Year-Old Bomb; Nation To Be Rendered In Black And White

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

UK Security Vetting 'unsurprised' Mandelson failed vetting

Trump hopes to win Congress over by plans to have White House ballroom modelled on Xanadu

New executive order from Trump: 'Call me Honest Donald'

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 24th April

Wild Frankfurter Swallows Couple Whole.

Downed US Plane Wins Turner Prize.

Abbott: Mandelson had to resign five times before, no, 300 times, no, 14 times

Lack of public toilets - public won't take it sitting down, and won't stand for it

BBC launches new series: 'No Minister'

Rabbi silent on Israeli murderers speaks out on arson attack

Starmer asks, "Did I pass security checks?"

Trump wants more stuff named after him than Elizabeth II

Pupils sent home for failing to wear official school stab vests

Man in pub has AI model too powerful to release to general public

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

Is hapless Keir ready to account for himself in Parliament?

When the Tories put a dickhead in charge of education

Somewhere along Whitehall, London

News from the parallel universe of the radio call in show

NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’

Foreign Office criticism of Russia upgraded from 'feeble' to 'limp'

CIA call in plumber to fix their leaks

Our annual for 2021-22

UK Security Vetting 'unsurprised' Mandelson failed vetting

Trump hopes to win Congress over by plans to have White House ballroom modelled on Xanadu

New executive order from Trump: 'Call me Honest Donald'

Mandelson both passes and fails vetting

I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight

BBC 'Gay Refugee' probe sparks political arms race as parties unveil rival orientation audits

Trump to clear Strait of Hormuz with his mouth

Trump caught knocking on invisible door – again

Nigel Farage Under Investigation For Sheep Worrying

Wildlife release causes international incident

France Surrenders To 80-Year-Old Bomb; Nation To Be Rendered In Black And White

Trump sues Jesus for impersonating him

Got a shipping problem? Try new Block-Aid

New Mad Max film to become a documentary

Been Mis-sold Your Dreams? You could be owed thousands £££

KIA launches ‘The Starmer’: The first SUV that refuses to take a side of the road

Trump begins devouring own children

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

High street banks to replace glitchy apps with 'Psychic Spending' to save customers hassle

Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General

Research by sperm whales shows human speech is similar but laughable

Homeopath attempt to bring drop of oil through Hormuz

Adrian Chiles revealed to be front for AI engine

Scientists hatch new Strait of Hormuz Uncertainty Principle

Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg

Global AI labels the word 'Artificial' a hate crime

Dark side of the moon “a bit disappointing, to be honest”

Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran

Artemis II unable to fake moon landing

US Forces seize Easter Bunny

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Council plans annual black bin collections

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Today's Christmas Card report

AI writed this headline: The future is now

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

England Fans Pay for JD Vance to Visit Croatia, Panama and Ghana

Punters to be spared thrills and spills with Bland National

Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

FIFA introduce ordeal by fire for World Cup tickets

Trump to wrestle with his conscience in WWF spectacular

BBC “will panic much sooner” next time

Tottenham in talks with stop-motion character to become next manager

BBC praised for dragging alleged historical sex offences into 21st century

Spurs’ revolving door “could be unlimited source of clean energy”