Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Lord Lucan grassed up by his air fryer

Lord Lucan has been found, alive and well in Peru, fifty years after disappearing from London in suspicious circumstances. Sensationally,...

deskpilot

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

It's the quiet life for Grylls and Mears in new Saturday night primetime show

Following on from the seemingly endless procession of facile drivel masquerading as Saturday evening primetime entertainment ITV inflicts...

Chipchase

Fly from Cardiff – get £23 off

The Welsh Government is keen to support Cardiff Airport, as it’s very important to have a proper Welsh airport to use. God forbid that...

deskpilot

Royal Mail to stop delivering mail

Pension fund and part-time mail delivery service The Royal Mail will announce its intention to cease mail deliveries completely. It will...

Sully

Caption Competition: Friday 11th July

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Twitter: https://x.com/NewsBiscuit or Facebook:...

The 'Sorting Out Danny' Project Just Needed One Final Push

Winner: Deskpilot Runners-Up: "Serious question, Maria. When is your grandmother going to stop following us around with her camera?"...

Seychelles Invests in Crabto Currency.

Winner: Dick Everyman Runners-Up: "Scientists discover arm-paralysing starfish also causes facial rictus." (Rob Falconer); "Killer...

People smuggling gangs now offering return tickets

Gregg Wallace issued with hosepipe ban

Drunk lawyer asked to leave the bar

Despondent Nigel Farage reveals his lifelong dream: to one day captain a 5-a-side team

AI helps Keir Starmer plan his next U turns

Hollywood commissions script for "The Madness of King Donald"

Jeffrey Epstein rebrands as Epsy Max

The Clacton Tapestry depicting an England win in 1066 refused by French museum

Reasons why I didn't go to Jeff Bezos' wedding in Venice

What do you do when you get a wedding invite to a billionaire tech bro's wedding in Venice? Now you have to rearrange your diary, get...

Sinnick

Hiding from the Unite tallyman

Texas: Trump deflects the blame again

History painting: The Massacre of the Innocents, by Benjamin Netenyahu

Try to stay cool this weekend

70s patio listed as UNESCO World Heritage Site

An excited historian confirmed: ‘It’s been untouched by weedkiller or human hand for generations. It’s the most preserved example of...

How to run a successful Tory leadership campaign

Are you a prospective Tory leadership candidate? Here at Newsbiscuit, we've compiled the best pieces of advice. Why not save yourself...

BBC acted swiftly and decisively to suspend presenter within months

BBC Director General and independent unbiased bastion of Conservative moral fibre, Tim Davie, sprang into action the moment a couple of...

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

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Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

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Politics

Wicked Witch of the West faces backlash over disability defence

The former Flying Monkey Wrangler, Elphaba Thropp, is facing criticism from the Lollipop Guild and the Lullaby League after she appeared...

Is the Chancellors Growth Plan just a blank sheet of paper?

The Chancellor's Growth Plan has been dramatically leaked from No. 11 Downing Street. The police have been brought in and are...

Starmer Snap Election

Keir Starmer has denied confiding to NewsBiscuit's non-existent parliamentary correspondent that, in light of the way he and his...

Farage to sue satnav company after failing to locate Clacton

Nigel Farage, Prime Minister-in-Waiting, has announced a lawsuit against Trotters Independent Traders over ‘dodgy’ navigation advice....

Trump Peace Prize "in the bag" after Netanyahu nomination

"President Trump's case for the 2025 Peace Prize is overwhelming," said a spokes-dove for the Nobel awards committee. "He says he wants a...

US seizes control of entire back garden paddling pool

In a coordinated attack, the US military has taken full and complete control of a small inflatable unicorn. White House officials in...

Maxwell imprisoned for sex trafficking to no one

It has been revealed that the Epstein client list never existed. Jimmy Saville was a harmless DJ. And Prince Andrew just likes paying...

‘Epstein had no clients’ and ‘Kennedy committed suicide’, say FBI

The FBI has published its long-awaited report into paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, concluding that he didn’t have a client list and that...

Palestine Action Man to be removed from shelves

This summer's hit new toy, Palestine Action Man, is being removed from sale across the UK following a Home Office ban. The plastic figure...

Why those MAGA baseball caps are so popular

We’re all heartily fed up with seeing Donald Trump in his baseball caps with assorted children slogans on, right? In England, we got fed...

New Window based deaths to mix things up a little

The signature death by window move of the Russian Secret Service has had a recent upgrade. To add a bit of variety, all...

Terrifying alien complains of “harsh language”

Following an incident in 1986, when soldiers closing in on a terrifying alien were told they couldn’t fire their rifles and sarcastically...

LA cop sues Australian reporter for shooting her in the leg

A Los Angeles police officer who has exercised his right to remain anonymous so that he may continue his duty of shooting innocent people...

Horoscopes for July, 2025

Aries Time to pull yourself together. Your emotional support animal now needs its own emotional support animal. Taurus Don’t put off a...

Man bases entire personality on coffee habits

A Suffolk man has based his entire work-persona and all office social interactions on his coffee preferences, it can be revealed. Philip...

New Prince Philip Statue Offends From Every Angle

Unveiling his remodelling of St James's Park and tributes to Queen Elizabeth II's reign, Lord Foster also showed initial designs for a...

A very popular store near YOU is closing SOON

A much-loved and popular store near you is closing soon. Loyal shoppers are devastated and say that the closure will have life changing...

‘Why can’t you be more flirty?’ demands customer

Consumers report a 38% decrease in lingering eye contact and coquettish banter among the serving classes. A recent study suggests that an...

Man who fails to knock out pub hardnut says “Now is the time for diplomacy”

A man who crept up behind the hardest bloke in his local pub and hit him with a barstool but failed to knock him out has said he feels...

Old guy who says 'it's a funny old world' not laughing

Edgar Chronic, 78, is known locally for his life mantra that 'it's a funny old world'. For some reason he stopped using the phrase when...

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Fly from Cardiff – get £23 off

The Welsh Government is keen to support Cardiff Airport, as it’s very important to have a proper Welsh airport to use. God forbid that...

Royal Mail to stop delivering mail

Pension fund and part-time mail delivery service The Royal Mail will announce its intention to cease mail deliveries completely. It will...

Farage to sue satnav company after failing to locate Clacton

Nigel Farage, Prime Minister-in-Waiting, has announced a lawsuit against Trotters Independent Traders over ‘dodgy’ navigation advice....

US Weather Service advises looking out the window

The US Weather Service has taken some stick for failing to warn Texas residents about the risk of flash floods. However, despite some...

Elon Musk sends old flame Donald Trump a scare package

The White House has received a package ticking more suspiciously than a Tesla. Personally addressed to 'Nice wig. It would be a shame if...

We were warned about Clippy!

As Artificial Intelligence is embedded in every aspect of your life, from your allegedly smart watch, your Sky Glass TV, the algorithm...

Coca-Cola to launch Coke Water

Following the success of Diet Coke and Coke Zero, the company is set to launch it's most "radical" product yet: Coke Water. "Zero has no...

UK to buy nuclear-capable TREB-35A trebuchets

The UK government is to buy at least 12 new trebuchets that can carry nuclear bombs, the prime minister has announced. Sir Keir Starmer...

RyanAir to Carry British Nuclear Bombs

At this week's NATO Summit, Sir Keir Starmer announced that RyanAir had been chosen to carry and potentially deliver the UK's airborne...

Shroud of Turin confirmed to be British man’s bath towel

Scientists have authenticated the religious relic proposed to be the burial shroud of Christ to be a British man’s threadbare bath towel....

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month. Residents in an exclusive residential area in...

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey. “We’ve been aware for some...

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home. “50% of domestic fires start in...

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that...

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats. Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”,...

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

A well-known London Council, celebrated for persistently ignoring residents’ opinions on matters that deeply affect them has launched an...

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

He had only been out of the country for two-days, but King Charles III discovered the UK had changed all the locks when he tried to get...

Who's started a new family tradition

The Cooke family from Redcar have boldly established a new tradition for Saturday night. Every Saturday, at around 6.30pm, the family...

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do. His family were initially sceptical given...

Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod

Border security officers have been duped by illegal migrants on the Kent coast hiding inside a giant wooden fish. Britain’s treasured...

Local News

It's the quiet life for Grylls and Mears in new Saturday night primetime show

Following on from the seemingly endless procession of facile drivel masquerading as Saturday evening primetime entertainment ITV inflicts...

Wicked Witch of the West faces backlash over disability defence

The former Flying Monkey Wrangler, Elphaba Thropp, is facing criticism from the Lollipop Guild and the Lullaby League after she appeared...

Draper's demise - just who does he think he is?

After his disappointing exit from Wimbledon, sports journalists across the country are feverishly checking Jack Draper's genealogical...

Draper's demise - just who does he think he is?

After his disappointing exit from Wimbledon, sports journalists across the country are feverishly checking Jack Draper's genealogical...

Rod Stewart releases new Reform, sorry, Record

Following his performance at Glastonbury, eighty-year-old rocker Rod Stewart is to release a new overlong playing record in support of...

Occasional tennis player surprised to learn he’s the British no 7

Occasional tennis player Colin Sawdust of Oswestry was surprised to turn on the BBC’s coverage of Wimbledon and see himself described as...

Man outraged that punk band does punk thing

Controversy swirls in the aftermath of Glastonbury, after several music acts had the temerity to do something musical. Worse still,...

Samaritans calls for an end to EastEnders

Samaritans crisis counselling service has made an urgent plea to EastEnders producers begging them to stop making the long-running soap....

British Tennis Academy to focus on “choking”

The newly set-up British Tennis Academy published its syllabus today, revealing that in addition to the usual tennis skills and fitness...

All England Club to use virtual nets

Wimbledon will be the first grand slam competition to use virtual tennis nets, although line calls have been computerised for some time....

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Lord Lucan grassed up by his air fryer

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

It's the quiet life for Grylls and Mears in new Saturday night primetime show

Fly from Cardiff – get £23 off

Royal Mail to stop delivering mail

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 11th July

The 'Sorting Out Danny' Project Just Needed One Final Push

Seychelles Invests in Crabto Currency.

People smuggling gangs now offering return tickets

Gregg Wallace issued with hosepipe ban

Drunk lawyer asked to leave the bar

Despondent Nigel Farage reveals his lifelong dream: to one day captain a 5-a-side team

AI helps Keir Starmer plan his next U turns

Hollywood commissions script for "The Madness of King Donald"

Jeffrey Epstein rebrands as Epsy Max

The Clacton Tapestry depicting an England win in 1066 refused by French museum

Reasons why I didn't go to Jeff Bezos' wedding in Venice

Hiding from the Unite tallyman

Texas: Trump deflects the blame again

History painting: The Massacre of the Innocents, by Benjamin Netenyahu

Try to stay cool this weekend

70s patio listed as UNESCO World Heritage Site

How to run a successful Tory leadership campaign

BBC acted swiftly and decisively to suspend presenter within months

Our annual for 2021-22

Wicked Witch of the West faces backlash over disability defence

Is the Chancellors Growth Plan just a blank sheet of paper?

Starmer Snap Election

Farage to sue satnav company after failing to locate Clacton

Trump Peace Prize "in the bag" after Netanyahu nomination

US seizes control of entire back garden paddling pool

Maxwell imprisoned for sex trafficking to no one

‘Epstein had no clients’ and ‘Kennedy committed suicide’, say FBI

Palestine Action Man to be removed from shelves

Why those MAGA baseball caps are so popular

New Window based deaths to mix things up a little

Terrifying alien complains of “harsh language”

LA cop sues Australian reporter for shooting her in the leg

Horoscopes for July, 2025

Man bases entire personality on coffee habits

New Prince Philip Statue Offends From Every Angle

A very popular store near YOU is closing SOON

‘Why can’t you be more flirty?’ demands customer

Man who fails to knock out pub hardnut says “Now is the time for diplomacy”

Old guy who says 'it's a funny old world' not laughing

Fly from Cardiff – get £23 off

Royal Mail to stop delivering mail

Farage to sue satnav company after failing to locate Clacton

US Weather Service advises looking out the window

Elon Musk sends old flame Donald Trump a scare package

We were warned about Clippy!

Coca-Cola to launch Coke Water

UK to buy nuclear-capable TREB-35A trebuchets

RyanAir to Carry British Nuclear Bombs

Shroud of Turin confirmed to be British man’s bath towel

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

Who's started a new family tradition

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod

It's the quiet life for Grylls and Mears in new Saturday night primetime show

Wicked Witch of the West faces backlash over disability defence

Draper's demise - just who does he think he is?

Draper's demise - just who does he think he is?

Rod Stewart releases new Reform, sorry, Record

Occasional tennis player surprised to learn he’s the British no 7

Man outraged that punk band does punk thing

Samaritans calls for an end to EastEnders

British Tennis Academy to focus on “choking”

All England Club to use virtual nets