Michael Gove, the minister for honesty and trustworthiness, has dismissed suggestions of compulsory face mask wearing.
"I think if we've learned anything from Boaty McBoatface and Brexit, it's that the British people can be relied on to make wise decisions and I'm sure the inspiring examples shown by senior government officials will lead them the right way."
"And as the gentleman I met in the bus shelter pointed out. How are you supposed to throw-up if you're wearing a mask?"
"Yes, I am high on drugs."
