"We've done all we can, but we have to accept that the damage may now be irreversible" said his long faced NHS consultant, reading from a short pre-pepared statement, on the steps of St. Giles Hospital for the acutely over priviledged in Windsor.
"Despite his state schooling, general Scottishness, and otherwise good health, factors which would normally give an excellent prognosis against the face wasting condition Publicspendicus shlashicus, or CSR as it is commonly known, which mr. Alexander contracted from his colleague Nick Clegg - known to be a latent carrier of this debilitating chin shrinking condition - it seems that Mr alexander subsequently picked a secondary infection of 'Bullingdon Toffishness' from an alien encounter, which has further compromised his immunity and facial integrity."
"We have no alternative but to offer our sincere apologies to his family, his constituents and all the people of RAF Kinloss, and the united kingdom, and to turn him and what remains of his lower jaw over to whatever limited pallitaive care the private health sector can screw out of, I mean is able to afford him!"
