A bicycle pump, used to keep the head of a prominent MP fully inflated during the day has been stolen from a House of Commons locker revealed DCI Adam Carling of the Met
The MP, who uses the pump 3-4 times throughout the day to keep his head totally expanded with oxygen, has warned that without it, his head will gradually start haemorrhaging air, leading to serious decompression and within a few hours there is a danger he could end up looking relatively normal once again.
Colleagues of the MP say he manages to keep his head constantly inflated throughout the day by the use of a series of cleverly concealed valves located in the back of his neck and the loss of his bicycle pump could seriously affect his expanded cranial appearance
The MP, believed to be a high ranking Tory official says he started using the pump to inflate his head during his teens to stop bullies from the local Comprehensive school shoving his head through the railings of the park gates and has been ‘pumping’ ever since.
This is not the first time the MPs inflated head has caused concern in the Commons with many MPs on both sides of the House fearing it could explode at any given moment.
But the MP has always defended the size of his head, explaining that male members of his family have been inflating their heads for generations. He argued that although some have looked rather liverish in the past and others a little ruddy at times - apart from the unfortunate cannonball incident during the Charge of the Light Brigade - there has never been a single recorded incident of an inflated head ever exploding of its own volition.
The MP, who has so far resisted calls for him to have a large wicker basket tied to his legs, has assured MPs that there is no cause for concern as the special lead weights sewn into his turn-ups will stop him spiralling out of control and getting snagged in the Commons vaulted ceiling.
Experts have explained that although the MPs head looks as though it could explode into a million pieces at any time, the taught looking skin is surprisingly saggy and soft to the touch. They think this is due to the MP being able to shed his skin and regenerate every 4 years– just like the other 650 members of his species.
Members of the public can touch, lick or stroke the skin of the MP and can take away some of his old skin as a memento of their visit to the Commons on the last Wednesday of the month.
Visitors who have licked the MPs skin say he gives off a sharp but not unpleasant acidic taste and felt an uncontrollable urge to kiss his full, luscious lips.
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Search for MP bicycle pump enters 3rd day
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Gerontius
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