Britain needs more Keir Starmer, not less
Addressing the nation the beleaguered PM insisted that he was popular, we just haven't got to know him yet. His failures help to challenge us in a healthy and necessary way. Friendship, after all, cannot flourish unless one party bravely endures the other without encouragement. One day we will thank him for staying. The seismic collapse of the Labour vote is proof positive that his vision is working. His spokeswoman explained, 'Voters have a wonderfully strong reaction to
Those Reform policies in full
With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric informatio
Surprise move by Iran
In an unexpected development in the US- Iran stand off, Iran has drained the Strait of Hormuz. Shortly before dawn millions of Iranians ran into the water, filled buckets and bottles and ran back to shore. Many large ships are now touching the bottom of the Strait, risking their hulls and cargoes, and frustrating America's largely imaginary Operation Freedom. Iran says that it has put the water in a safe place, where the pig-dog capitalist idiots will never find it, adding th
Polanski once said “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer
Reports are emerging that crazy extremist Zack Polanski, who has the gall to lead a political party that might do well in yesterday’s elections, once told someone “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer. A piece in today’s Timesegraph quotes an unnamed source saying “We were going for a drink after work, and he quite clearly said ‘I’ll just be a minute’. So I waited, but in the event he took more than two minutes - almost three, in fact. ”I’m not in any way a bitter,
Great Election results, say all party leaders
Yes, the May 2026 local and regional elections are done and dusted. And all the party leaders agree that they got great results. Zak Polanski is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry East constituency in North-North Norfolk for the Green Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This is a council seat that illustrates the importance of delivering green energy without solar farms, turbines, dangerous wave power or nuclear energy. And also of removing the unaffordable
Dogs not allowed to say which way they'd vote
With the Welsh Sennedd, Scottish Parliament and a myriad number of local elections taking place on May 7th, the question is - which way would dogs vote? The local and national press search out dogs tied to polling station railings up and down the country on election days, mainly as a ruse to get around the ban on photographing individuals who may or may not be voting. Couple that with the blanket ban on reporting on political parties who may, or may not, be standing in the e
Starmer's message to removal companies
Number Ten has issued a warning message to all removal companies. Firms are warned that many Labour MPs are trying to wind up the PM by placing bogus bookings with removal companies to move him out of Downing Street. An official sighed, 'We are getting two or three calls a week. The political mood is febrile and some MPs think it's really hilarious to book removal firms for Keir. So we are warning all removal firms about this childish stuff. 'For clarity, there is a short lis
Zack Polanski revealed as 4KG savoy cabbage in a tailored blazer
An investigation has confirmed that Green Party leader Zack Polanski is not, in fact, a human being but a sentient, highly ambitious Savoy cabbage masquerading as a politician. The probe, which involved a reporter disguised as a bottle of organic seaweed fertiliser, found that "Polanski" is the figurehead for a secret cabal of root vegetables aiming to overthrow the UK government and establish a Vegetarian Socialist State. The Cult of the Cabbage The investigation found that
Sheriff J.W. Pepper named as next Met Police Chief
The world of policing has been turned upside down and the people of London will sleep much safer in their beds after the announcement of Sir Mark Rowley's replacement as Head of the Metropolitan Police. "Sheriff J.W. Pepper is not everyone's first choice," said a spokesperson for the Mayor of London, Sir Sadiq Kahn. "But we feel that he has the skills, experience and know-how to make London safe once more." Coming from small town Louisiana, Sheriff Pepper doesn't have a prove
Operation Got My Ass Whipped
US troops are to escort ships trapped in the Strait of Hormuz to freedom, according to another of those Presidential social media posts. The US President hilariously refers to his bombing campaign against Iran as the 'Middle East dispute', inviting comparison with Putin's Special Military Operation in Ukraine. Seven US troops have already been disciplined for referring to the exercise as Operation Got My Ass Whipped, instead of its official title of Project Freedom. The Presi
