Reform seeks candidates who are “a bit less Reformy”
Following scandals over candidates doing Nazi salutes or saying the victims of the Grenfell fire “would have died anyway”, Reform have decided they need to find candidates who “are a bit less Reformy”. The strategy was outlined by party chairman Lee Anderthal, who before he went into politics specialised in making stone tools and flint arrowheads. “The trouble is, we seem to only attract people who are a bit dim and hopeless. Who just have a vague, self-pitying dislike of the
US Forces seize Easter Bunny
Donald Trump has announced that US Forces have captured the Easter Bunny at an unknown location and transported him to New York, for trial. The Easter Bunny stands accused of un-American acts. These acts include Going against government initiatives to Make America Healthy Again and are related to the unauthorised and unregulated distribution of foodstuffs, notably chocolate Promotion of food products containing ingredients not grown in America, including cocoa Unauthorised d
Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters
"HickTok is the social media platform for the President's most fervent, pig ignorant supporters," said a spokes-chatbot for Trump Enterprises. "These are the millions of American rubes, redneck and hayseeds who've pledged their votes to him for 2028, despite not knowing what year it is now or even what a vote is. "Because these people - if you can call them that - are functionally illiterate and proud of it, HickTok will show them clips of Trump dad-dancing to YMCA, launching
Mars launches mission to Earth
Mars is expected to launch its Earth II space probe in the next few days sending four life-forms to the Moon where it hopes to establish a permanent lunar base once planning permission is sorted. The ultimate aim is to use a Martian presence on the Moon to launch an ambitious mission to Earth where Mars believes there may be life, apart from the region known as Crawley. A trip to Earth presents many obstacles for the Martian life forms. Chief among them is the weather. On Mar
BBC “will panic much sooner” next time
Following the news that BBC bosses were aware of allegations against Radio 2 DJ Scott Mills long before they acted, the BBC has issued a statement promising they will “panic much sooner” next time. Mills’ case follows those of Huw Edwards, Gregg Wallace, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and pretty much any presenter you see on Top of the Pops 2. In future, the BBC says it will throw the individual concerned under the bus the moment they hear the flimsiest allegation against them, wi
BBC praised for dragging alleged historical sex offences into 21st century
A BBC spokes-apologist said 'Like unnecessarily harrowing public information films, historic sex offences used to take place in the 1970s. However time has passed and you are old. Bands that were played unironically on Radio 1 are now being played unironically on Radio 2. Similarly, DJs that were sex criminals working at Radio 1 have now become sex criminals working at Radio 2. You may not like it, but like S Club 7, historical sex crimes can now have taken place in the 2000s
New bin rules to include crude oil
Food waste collections are set to require all households to produce 2000 gallons of oil, per fortnight. The ongoing war in the Middle East has cut the global supply by 5%, meaning British households will need to make up the shortfall by recycling salad dressing and ghee. The basic ratio each home must generate is 100,000 bacon butties a week, just to keep up. The bin itself will be the size of three moderately sized tankers and will be part of your normal collection cycle-pro
Harry whines about William like anyone cares any more
"William might take away our titles when he's king," Harry grizzled to the media last week. "I realise that the world is facing an escalating war in the Middle East which could tip it into recession, hitting struggling families in the UK very hard indeed," continued the ex-royal prince - or duke, or whatever he's become - from his mansion in California. "So I appreciate the personal issues of a self-obsessed aristocrat and his vain actress wife might not matter quite so much
‘Remove gas and electricity supplies from energy bills’ say Tories
Tory leader Kemi Badenoch says the best way to bring down rising energy prices for struggling households and businesses will be to stop providing them with gas and electricity. Party insiders said scrapping the supply of energy to homes would soon bring down household bills and help customers struggling with the cost of living. Ms Badenoch said standing charges would remain the same and shareholders would need to be compensated for loss of income but the savings on energy con
Tiger Woods to be Trump's Middle East envoy
"He plays golf, he is behaving in an increasingly erratic way and he has convictions to his name," a spokes-putter for President Trump told reporters at Mar-a-Lago. "Tiger Woods therefore seems the perfect representative for the President in peace talks with Iran. "The only problem may be that Mr Woods attended the prestigious Stanford University. "He might therefore bring intelligence and reasoning to the negotiations, rather than the blundering, pig-ignorant clown show that
