Following reports that senior Government meddler Dominic Cummings disregarded his own lockdown rules enforced on a nation effectively pent up under strict house arrest, Brits everywhere have said, 'We need to get Cummings out of our system.'
One sickened and pale Durham resident complained, 'On the 31st March, Cummings was everywhere. It was completely disgusting. What we all want to see is Cummings pasted to the wall.'
Durham Constabulary issued a statement saying, 'There were reports that Cummings had been seen at the bottom of a well, and Police Officers have been looking into it ever since.'
When pressed on whether his Chief Adviser had acted disgracefully and should go, Prime Minister Boris Johnson dismissed the accusations with a vigorous hand gesture, and responded, 'Cummings was always in my face.'
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In a late-breaking twist to the story, Cabinet members Grant Shapps, Michael Gove, Dominic Raab, Rishi Sunak and Matt Hancock have all rushed to defend their puppet-master, all of them denying that Cummings was right up the walls of Barnard Castle, almost 30 miles from Durham.
Ed Davey, acting leader of the Liberal Democrats said, 'It would take one enormous blanket to cover up the Cummings mess in Downing Street. Number 10 is awash with Cummings - it's wall-to-wall Cummings in there at the moment, and the reputation of our seat of power has been Cummings-stained. And now Cummings is all over the Press as well. Cummings is going to stick in the back of the throat for quite a while.'