The government confirmed today that it has reached a ‘comprehensive and wide-ranging’ free infection agreement with the Coronavirus, allowing the pathogen to infect anyone it sees fit, and the UK to do everything it can to stop it – provided that being ‘guided by the science’ does not involve listening to scientists.
‘We may have left the Pandemic but we can still enjoy the benefits of the Pandemic,’ said a spokesperson. ‘Thanks to our skilled negotiators the UK can look forward to years of social frustration amongst the young, random deaths of the elderly, and a weekly guest leader of the Conservative party, just like on “Have I Got News for You”.
Talks stalled last week as the Coronavirus demanded free movement amongst peoples as part of the agreement, and felt using actual science against it was ‘not playing fair’. The breakthrough came when the government agreed to be guided by the science - but filter that guidance through Dominic Cummings - and grant any viral outbreaks already in the UK indefinite leave to remain in lieu of full citizenship. The UK has also agreed not to grant any preferential treatment to Spanish Flu, German Measles or the French Pox.
‘I know you’re worried about us coming over here, destroying the English way of home-grown health scares like mad cow, but I’m really just a tourist,’ said the Coronavirus. ‘If you’d spend the last twenty thousand years in a Chinese bat you’d want to get out a bit, see the world. I’m only grateful that Messrs Johnson and Trump have given me the opportunity.’