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Thanks to Throngs for the maths.
The old guard will never be has beens and the new beens appreciate their generous comments. Bit pissed to find SteveB above me if i'm honest. Need to nobble him with some bogus 'Stay Safe Don't Touch Your Fucking Keyboard until October", style advice.
Big O - not sure if you've been introduced to the 'Wren Rule', that says the same contributor can't win two months running. In an earlier iteration of the WOTM Wren looked like winning every month just because he was the only person submitting, or something like that. Anyway it violated EU law so Wren himself suggested what has now been enshrined in NB legislation as the Wren Rule.
It doesn't stop last month's winner from going for it again, but in those situations TechGuy slips the virtual mug onto the second placed person's avatar.
Thanks to the Wren rule we're handing the virtual mug over to SteveB for his brilliant run this month, with commiserations to the Big O who has also had a bonzer month. Full details on the blog, and tickers for the month listed below.
Adrian Bamforth
Boris refuses to rule out second wave of pregnancies. More soon.
Government eases restrictions on croquet
Sunbathers turn back from beach after finding it full of journalists. More soon
AdrianJ
Uninterested matador bored to death. More soon.
Al Opecia
Cliff Richards hopes of a re-issued summer number 1 dashed.
Garden centres open to build herb immunity more soon
Government releases simple guide “how to be alert” in 60 page handbook.
Primary schools’ response to june 1st opening plan – ‘shan’t!’. More soon
Rees-Mogg confirms all his staff are serf-isolating
Serious outbreak of Cronyvirus reported at 10 Downing street – more soon
antharrison
ITV launches new sitcom ‘Shop Thy Neighbour’. More soon
apepper
Decision on what to do with drunken sailor due “soon”
Express: ‘covid trial announced – what would Princess Di do?’ more later.
Government’s undeniable proof of 100,000 tests; “the bus is being painted now”
Man during Blitz insisted on right to shine light at night. More soon.
Trump declares war on Vietnam to ‘keep the statistics favourable’. More later.
Trump warned hydroxychloroquine may cure bone spurs. More soon
Bookiesfriend
Holocaust Denier moves to distance himself from Michael Gove. More soon.
Brainstorm
Stay alert and make sure you put a cross in the right box next time
Camz
‘Seven brides for seven brothers’ play suffers regulatory cuts
Local lockdowns will be used to stop flares and turn-ups. 90s fashions not to return.
Chipchase
Chris Rea to release NHS charity single – driving home for lockdown
Dyson ventilators re-purposed as top-of-the-range hairdryers @ only £25,000 each. More later.
Trump slams everything on Twitter as ‘fake news’
Trump: ‘i watched cummings press conference and i like him. He’s my kinda guy.’
Deceangli
‘Do not provide PPE’ is the new ‘do not resuscitate’
Britain vows to ‘seize the day’ when it remembers which day it is. More soon
Dick Everyman
‘Stay alert’ if you see purple microscopic spores in the air run like hell!
More Tory slogans needed to combat Covid-19
Specsavers to open roadside pop up shops
Dominic_mcg
Association of Terrible Ventriloquists supports the wearing of masks at work.
BMW drivers furious after being told to stay 6 feet from the car in front. More later.
Easyjet plans to save money by asking passengers,”can any of you fly a plane?”
Gove caught bashing the bishop on live tv news. More soon.
Government advise covid sufferers to rub bunting on the affected area. More soon.
North Korea confirms Kim Jong-Un had a puncture. More soon.
Trump taking hydroxychloroquine for Covid-19 and cough drops for athlete’s foot. More soon
Gerontius
Eastenders to resume filming…’leave it out…it ain’t worth it’
Everyone over £5k now eligible for testing. More soon
Rees-Mogg accused of traveling back 200 years
Jimmy Dodger
Car showroom staff told to keep two motors apart
Katwritesstuff
Car showrooms to reopen next week as eye tests substituted with 30 mile drive
MADJEZ
Carrie Symonds criticised for practising violin during Cummings speech.
PM deliberately chose 6 people meeting so S Club 7 couldn’t reform.
Trump ends us relationship with WHO, Roger Daltrey gutted
Max Stars
100,000 birthday cards incorrect as Capt. Moore becomes Col. Moore later.
Micca
No link between drop in shoplifting and PM being in hospital, claims Patel. More later.
Mick Turate
Boris road map to be made available on satnav
‘I may have stopped off at Pizza Express in Woking’ says Cummings
CSI investigate fresh alpine fragrance coming from patio. More later
Ding dong as diplomatic ping pong from Kim Jong in Pyongyang goes wrong. More later.
Injecting bleach is secret of looking young, says Keith Richards. More later.
Meatpacking resumes at White House following delivery of corsets. More later.
Middle class students urged to cherry pick plum jobs. More later.
New footage shows Kim Jong Un with bigger breasts. More later.
SAGE to be renamed ‘Scientific Health Advisory Group.’
Newsdesk
Next Thursday: clap for Cummings
oshaughnessy
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman still can’t go into a bar
BAME people gather in Downing St to celebrate the Big White Chief’s return. More later.
Boris to wear a novelty spinning bow tie at PMQ’s to distract Starmer
Business latest: WH Smith announces that sales are now stationary
Govt. Advice latest: stay stupid, drive to beaches, catch the virus, re-start lockdown
Nature reclaims towns; Torquay hotelier reports seeing herds of wildebeest.
Pirates banned from carrying out virus testing after using dirty swabs. More later.
Paul L
Home schooled a-level student gets unconditional offer from university of life. More soon.
RogerG
UK NHS staff to get pay rise index linked to GDP
ron cawleyoni
Little Richard rip… it up.
Social distancing in pubs to be kept at minimum of at least two yards of ale
Stonehenge summer solstice cancelled as lockdown prevents site completion work
Rowly
Garden centres tell customers, “keep one beanpole apart”
Sinnick
Beegees to release song “Stayin’ Alert”
Boris refuses to wash his hands of Cummings
Captain Tom demoted & charged with fraud after recount shows only 99 laps. More later.
Thyme traveller visits garden centre to buy herbs
Skylarking
Bishops instructed to stand two mitres apart
Smart Alex
Cummings to begin all future statements with ‘once upon a time’
Man fails to see the irony of censoring Twitter in the name of free speech
Stagehand going on holiday admits he’s looking forward to a change of scenery
SteveB
‘Cummings contradicted himself so much, he’d make a great PM,’ says Johnson
Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov still laughing at Cummings’ explanations
Ancient concentrated herbs discovered buried in a thyme capsule
Bank of England governor praised for sterling work
Carry On Nurse PPE update: masks down, aprons up. More soon
Covid top level policy-writing stalls as government asks Miss for more crayons
Government hits target of 100,000 side-stepped questions. More soon.
Horoscope predicts all star signs will align with a happening at home. More soon.
It’s not casual racism. It’s carefully orchestrated, insists Cummings. More later.
PM finished 40 books while in isolation: ‘it was a lot of colouring in’
Returning teachers fear exposure to Gove-id 19. More soon
Rocking-horse shit more abundant than good government decision-making
Self-assembly cabinet has a screw loose
Smell of barbecues in your neighbourhood ‘actually all insurance jobs’. More soon
Starbucks serves 2 million coughees on first day
Virus still thinks Boris Johnson is doing a good job
We are past peak lies now, lies Johnson. More later.
Sydalg
British man took German surname “just for the Von of it”
Man acquitted on cannibalism charge toasts defence lawyer. More soon
Penguin released on bail ‘not a flight risk’. More soon
SyPlan to make builders dress properly ‘just papering over the cracks’
Statistician caught flashing claims it’s “just a standard deviation”.
Throngsman
‘I would do the same for my children, at least the ones i admit to,’ says Boris
Matt Hancock admits to being tested 20000 times on 30 April. More soon.
Police charge couple for ‘acting anti-socially by acting socially’. More later.
Proper PPE procurement vs £60k per dead healthcare worker? Tough choice. More later.
Schools to resume teaching the four Rs in June
Titus
‘The Archers now to be broadcast telepathically, beamed directly into listeners’ brains’
Farmers urge people to enjoy Wimbledon at home by ordering strawberries on-line
God agrees to accept prayers over the internet but only while churches are shut. More later.
Government accused of talking out of its Rs
Hairdressers re-open salons after supplying haircuts over the internet fails
NHS now gives elderly permission to resume dying of other things. More later.
No change for rock festival as entire audience is ‘completely spaced out’
Pubic seek clear advice on wearing face masks; are told: ‘umfl mumfl flmf umfll’. More later.
Vertically Challenged Giant
Man who murdered daughter’s boyfriend “followed instincts of every father”
Well done Steve. Good work everybody.
Cheers Throngsman - that's a fair bit of effort putting all that together. Congratulations to Oshaughnessy who I'll be regarding as writer of the month myself - two in a row is not to be understated. The Wren rule's an understandable gesture and all, but I can't be faking it when I know Oshaughnessy's stormed another belting month.
Respect to my favourite piece this moon cycle which was Wren's "UK embarks on nationwide Milgram Experiment" and the longest loudest gruntysnort for "SAGE to be renamed ‘Scientific Health Advisory Group.’" In an unrelated note, Myke's name is missing from the ticker list. Ta to all of yers for enough laughs to get to Durham and back.
Mug taken from mr o and put on Steve
Congrats to you both and well done everyone ... and thanks tm as always
Mighty congrats SteveB. I'm missing the mug to be honest. It's been at my side all the way through the Cummings episode and has been a true inspiration. I'm not even remotely bitter about losing it, obvs. However, my solicitors have been asked to look at the Wren rule to see if it can be usurped by some Newsbiscuit Security law.
Hearty congratulations SteveB.
And Mr O, yeah, that Wren Rule is well out of order. That's all I'm saying.
Good work by both of you. Some great subs all round this month. The old place has livened up with new contributors and some very welcome oldies popping back.
Thanks TM for the usual number-crunching. Top job.
Not many winners during this lockdown..... but Newsbiscuit has definitely been one of them
Thanks to all who took part
Especially Throngsman....going beyond the call of duty
We are all WOTM
Maybe we should be awarding a WOTM face mask instead of a mug.....just until the pandemic is over
I know for a fact some of the previous winners didn't even bother cleaning the mug after they used it.
Agree that newsbiscuit has been a winner Gero. Good to see so many active writers, new and old, producing so much good material. The editors, for once, are spoilt for choice.
And great to see me back too.
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