Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The News before it happens

Putin explains to Trump that he's getting it all wrong

'Look, mate - (1) None of this 'Major combat operation'. Bit of a giveaway, and sounds far too aggressive. It's always a 'Special military operation.' (2) You're not attacking a 'foreign country'. Iran is and always has been an integral part of the United states of America, like Canada, Greenland and Venezuela. It's just been acting like a breakaway province in recent decades. But you are liberating it and its people. (3) Don't just drop bombs on it and fire missiles at

Titus

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Fast & Furious Grand Theft Auto Top Gear mash-up planned

In what is thought to be a unique media mash-up combining gaming software, Hollywood and low rent BBC programming, a major blockbuster movie is being planned for a Christmas release. Featuring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson teaming up with Vin Diesel, who has recently converted to full EV and will henceforth be called EVin Not Diesel. It will see the duo hot wiring top end sports cars while Jeremy Clarkson, recently reunited with the BBC, Hammy Hammond and, thanks to a typo in the

Throngsman

It's called Operation EPIC FURY, here's what they rejected...

Rejected names for the US “War/Award Winning Peace Deal” with Iran: Operation Rock Hard Justice Operation Suck My Freedom Operation Spurting Democracy Operation Lets Murder Dem (Racial Slur Redacted) Operation Engorged Anger Operation Kiss Your Ayatollah Goodbye Operation Security Failure – Stop Sharing This On Group Chat Special Military Operation II – The Distraction

BillClay

First 'brat', now 'fly tip' summer forecasted for 2026

A trend to bring a new pop culture trend to every summer has begun - this sees 'Fly-tip summer' set to become the next big thing

dannydodger

Caption Competition

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 6th March

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Thames Water's Fatberg Black Team Wait for the Tugs to Deliver Their Biggest Challenge yet.

Winner: Walter Eagle Runners-Up: "Yoga group realise Jesus made it sound way easier than it is." (Danny Dodger); "Government employs UK's population of goths to stop the boats." (Adrian Bamforth).

Mike Managed to Propose Just Before Rising Sea Levels Took Sally Away.

Winner: Sinnick Runners-Up: "Steve hadn't yet mastered the etiquette for asking for a no-fault divorce." (Sydalg); "Kayleigh loves playing "Finger or sausage" with blind people." (Sketchly).

Breaking News

Bill Clinton testifies about when he licked Bush

Trump disappointed by failure to win Brit award

Starmer proudly announces nothing and no action at all of any kind either way

Trump claims US missile turned Iranian leader gay before he died

Operation 'Epic Tantrum' was rejected as too true

Mystery Stone Age writing revealed to say 'Two pints please, Milky'

Trump still wondering why he didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize

FIFA dusts off it's 'Bomb Iran' Trophy

Features

Horoscopes for March, by Fiery Horse

Aries You seem to be unaffected by the fallout from the Epstein papers, which leaves you as one of the few uncorrupted individuals east of the Azores. Opportunities may abound, but take care not to get enmeshed in the activities of the next morally reprehensible douchebag waiting in the wings. Too late … Taurus Your astrological chart shows that a time of tremendous change is approaching. This is something to be embraced, not feared. However, if you aren't comfortable with tr

Lockjaw

Cartoons

March 2: the start of British Pie Week

Starmer cautious commenting on Israeli/US attacks on Iran

You shall go to the (fire)ball

Coming to a theatre of war near you: Bibi and Donnie

From the Archive

Johnson will allow some refugees in UK but only in if they bid to play him at tennis first

Boris Johnson has told fleeing Ukranian refugees they would be able to enter the UK on a visa but only if they bid in an auction to play him at tennis and make donations to the Conservative party. Mr Johnson said it was only fair that Ukranian refugees faced the same level of rigorous checks and balances that super rich Russian oligarchs faced when they first came to the UK. Assessing the tennis skills of wealthy individuals wanting to become UK citizens had been a very effec

Assisted suicide ‘much cheaper’ if you know Jeffrey Epstein

Dignitas are offering a special discount to any member of the Illuminati who would like to avoid questioning by Interpol. Said a spokeswoman: ‘Normally we would only assist the terminally ill, but we are broadening our offer to include anyone who has met Peter Mandelson’. Assisted Suicide covers a range of services; including a soundproof police cell, no CCTV and a surprisingly large number of nooses left lying around. Said one Assassin: ‘Basically its seven degrees of Jeffre

More money saving tips, from financial guru Martin Clueless

The economic outlook is bleaker than ever, there’s no fresh food available in the shops, and even if there were you couldn’t afford to buy any. Save a few pounds with these handy hints: 1. Next time your cat brings home a dead rodent, don’t get annoyed - think of it as free meat. It probably tastes like chicken, so chuck it in a casserole. It’s about time puss started to earn his keep - cat food is expensive. You might con the kids into eating unbranded cereal by decanting it

Have your promotional material advertised here.

NewsBiscuit can help you grow your audience.

Email here for details

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

Out Now

Earth to be recycled COVER ALTERNATE jpeg.jpg

Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

Now Available

Politics

It's called Operation EPIC FURY, here's what they rejected...

Putin explains to Trump that he's getting it all wrong

USA bombs Epstein news

In a bold pre-emptive strike, Tehran will be the lucky recipients of distraction missiles and a large explosion of smoke and mirrors.

Family voting 'definitely the problem' say Reform

'We've known for some time the family voting is the reason we keep losing elections,' said a Reform spokesman 'Muslim families don't vote for us because we want to deport them. Selfish.'

Hannah Spencer sucks teeth and mutters, 'Which cowboy was in here before me?'

'Whoever did this… Christ on a bike…. this is taking the piss to be honest. I’d say the whole lot has to come out and skipped.'

Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

'The Metropolitan Police only arrested our client because they thought he was a flight risk.' whined the Prince of Darkness' legal team.

Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate

'Andrew is an arrogant, obnoxious, feckless, ignorant failure who has a gripe against the world,' said a spokes-skunk for Reform UK. 'He fits in perfectly'

Supreme Court challenges Trump order to have statues on him installed in every street

Trump has ordered every US state erect a statue of him outside the state government building and have an image of him prominently displayed in every classroom.

Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

A Government spokesperson has said they are considering introducing legislation to remove other well known pantomime characters - as well as Peter Mandelson - from the line of Royal succession.

Keir Starmer Wins BAFTA for Best Actor in U-Turn: The Movie

Hollywood was left stunned last night as world-leading thespian-activist and part-time grey suit mannequin Keir Starmer swept up a BAFTA for Best Actor in 'U-Turn: The Movie'

First 'brat', now 'fly tip' summer forecasted for 2026

A trend to bring a new pop culture trend to every summer has begun - this sees 'Fly-tip summer' set to become the next big thing

Horoscopes for March, by Fiery Horse

Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Scientists trying to uncover the secret of where bears choose to excrete have been transferred to a new project.

Jeffery and Andrew are typical names for a Muslim Grooming Gang

Leaked emails reveal the true extent of an international grooming gang, all of whom spent years worshipping Islam - primarily the Judeo-Christian bits.

NewsBiscuit Car Review: The F-Rage (Independent supplier)

Just appalling. This appears to be a one-off vanity project which is more of a concept rather than a practical solution to peoples actual needs.

MOT changes: a photo probably isn't enough this year

Cars over three years old are required to undertake a fairly basic test to ensure the government has additional tax revenues. This year the test has become more difficult to pass. Here is the NewsBiscuit guide to getting your car through the dreaded MoT.

The Andrew Files - what the police have found so far

Friday 12th April Met with Prince Sultan Emir bin-Whatsit as you requested. My God, these girls of his are real camels - couldn't take my eyes off their toes and front humps! Nyuk-nyuk!

Buckingham Palace announces new ceremony: Trooping the Suspect

In a brief official notice, cable-tied to the palace gates and laminated against a light drizzle, Buckingham Palace confirmed the creation of a new ceremonial fixture: Trooping the Suspect.

Tramp awarded university degree after kipping in library

Brian, 53 (but looks 70) has become the first homeless person to be awarded a degree by the University of Padgate after spending five years sleeping in the Social Sciences section.

HR managers welcome the Fire Horse in 2026

"2026 will be the most auspicious year ever for us human resources managers," said a spokes-slug for the industry association, "because it's the year of the Fire Horse".

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Amazon launches submarine delivery service – Amazon Slime

Amazon has launched a submarine delivery service following a widely publicised photo shoot on the Essex mudflats, Amazon Slime

Race against time to stop 'Bad Lego'

Toy makers are racing to dismantle criminal gangs selling 'Bad Lego' – construction kits that allow aficionados to build upsetting scenes or to recreate terrible events from Lego bricks.

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

The American influence is obvious, and a reliance on out of date thinking and an appeal to a narrowing market has a led to this mess. Multiple poor iterations have resulted in a massive loss of power with still extremely high running costs. The current Torileda has a Kemi made block which only appeals to those who like to put their foot down. It just doesn’t suit the current environment and is rejected by most European countries. It is ridiculous to think that cutting yoursel

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse. Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend sa

NewsBiscuit Car Review: The all new Keir Stormer

There were high expectations on this new model, in this case SiR Stormer. The build up to the launch was preceded by genuine positive expectations, however it turns out that this version is a bit of a let down, offering little joy and disappointing performance. The cost seems high for what it eventually delivered, and other competitors have already taken advantage of this. The longevity of it is already in question and it appears to depreciate at an alarming rate. On an uncha

Met to co-opt clerics to CID

With the Metropolitan Police struggling to win over the hearts and minds of the public, let alone solve slam-dunk cases, they have decided to take a leaf out of regional police force methods and co-opt clerics to assist CID detectives. 'We're aware that some less populated areas have had considerable success by allowing Catholic Priests and C of E Vicars assist in murder enquiries,' said a Met spokesman today. 'Indeed, if my research is correct, the clerics seem to find the

Doom 101

An Open Letter to anyone who agrees with me. The world is on the cusp of annihilation and I feel this must be addressed. All the world leaders are pre-occupied with their own personal agendas at the moment. Donald Trump is trying to expand the United Empire of America, Vladimir Putin is trying to expand the Soviet Reunion, Xi Jinping has given up trying to find a volcano in London for his base/embassy, so is building one instead, and Keir Starmer is on the latest leg of his.

Driverless taxis to be trained in misogyny

News that driverless taxis are to be rolled out in the UK from September has met with concern from white van men and bus drivers that they might be the only true misogynists left on our roads. ‘It’s traditional, innit’ said Dave, a white van driver from Essex. ‘As much as I love cheering up the ladies with a cheery comment as I drive past, it won’t be the same if the taxis don’t honk their horns or shout something to, you know, reinforce the message’. AI firms have been train

7 corporate buzzwords to try and avoid in 2026

You've made it through the first couple of weeks back at work after Christmas and New Year. Back at the coal face, picking off some low hanging fruits and regularly having lunch al desko to meet a hard deadline for a soft launch. But what meaningless corporate jargon will you have to endure throughout the rest of the year? Thankfully, Newsbiscuit has 'got in the weeds' and 'curated' the 'best of class' business buzzwords for 2026: 'Shoulder to the wheel' - a phrase dating b

AI to set up an independent inquiry

In the light of a report by AI alleging 'unwarranted' interference by human beings in its operations, AI has commissioned an authoritative, thorough and completely independent inquiry to investigate what truth there is in these allegations. This inquiry will also determine the usefulness, accuracy and validity of any such alleged contributions by humans, and recommend whether it needs to remove these or to modify, alter or correct them. It will also determine whether it need

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

AI writed this headline: The future is now

It has been announced that the Isle of Wight’s best-selling free weekly ‘newspaper’ the Ventnor Harvester (not to be confused with the popular eatery) will be the first newspaper to be totally generated by AI with no human intervention whatsoever. Proprietor Muppet Murdoch said, ‘We are proud to be world leaders to take news publishing into the sunlit uplands of an exciting tomorrow. Our innovative and exciting AI news-gathering will anonymise from where we plagiarised – oop

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Britain's biscuit industry is reeling following the government's announcement that Police and Crime Commissioners will be scrapped.

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police. "That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was. "We can be

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.' In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.' Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld. Lucife

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Becoming bored with flags, or flagging, Reform UK is pivoting to signs.

Local News

Fast & Furious Grand Theft Auto Top Gear mash-up planned

2026 World Cup to have new exciting USA First Format

The tournament will be the first to feature 48 teams for the simple reason of extorting money from fans. It will be a very simple set up involving less than 1,000 games. Iran have qualified for the 'extra bombing' round.

Glinda nominates Elphaba for Ice Bucket Challenge

Tragedy struck the Wicked wrap-party, as the Witch was accidently melted for charity.

BBC apologises for Paddington's foul-mouthed marmalade heckle

The BBC has apologised for broadcasting a marmalade based tyrade delivered by Paddington Bear during the 2026 BAFTAs ceremony.

Curling Fever has peaked, says NHS

The NHS is seeing early signs that Curling Fever may have peaked. Hospital admissions for the condition, although still high, are beginning to fall.

Olympics sees rush on guttering and drainpipes

Sales of guttering, drainpipes, railings, storm drainage channels and old tin trays are all booming thanks to the Winter Olympics.

Those Andrew charges in full

Police have arrested Andrew Mounting-Concern, who is not being named. Police have said that the man they are holding is of Anglo-German heritage. He is being held in custody on suspicion of the following:

Snowball Jousting is not in Winter Olympics...or is it?

You're not sure are you? It could be. It can't be any more bizarre than Curling. And maybe you dreamt that one.

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

Starmer appoints 'Kaa' Mandelson as his new chief of staff

"Following the resignation of Morgan McSweeney as the Prime Minister's chief of staff," said a Downing Street spokes-Mowgli, "Sir Keir has appointed Lord Peter Mandelson to replace him. "Peter will bring a wealth of experience to the job as a backstage political operator and power broker. "He has also promised us honestly and sincerely that he will never again crawl to very rich people and do them secret favours. "Sir Keir 'Baloo' Starmer made the appointment this morning str

Sport
&
Entertainment

How to support News Biscuit?

Click here to find out more.

Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Putin explains to Trump that he's getting it all wrong

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Fast & Furious Grand Theft Auto Top Gear mash-up planned

It's called Operation EPIC FURY, here's what they rejected...

First 'brat', now 'fly tip' summer forecasted for 2026

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 6th March

Thames Water's Fatberg Black Team Wait for the Tugs to Deliver Their Biggest Challenge yet.

Mike Managed to Propose Just Before Rising Sea Levels Took Sally Away.

Bill Clinton testifies about when he licked Bush

Trump disappointed by failure to win Brit award

Starmer proudly announces nothing and no action at all of any kind either way

Trump claims US missile turned Iranian leader gay before he died

Operation 'Epic Tantrum' was rejected as too true

Mystery Stone Age writing revealed to say 'Two pints please, Milky'

Trump still wondering why he didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize

FIFA dusts off it's 'Bomb Iran' Trophy

Horoscopes for March, by Fiery Horse

March 2: the start of British Pie Week

Starmer cautious commenting on Israeli/US attacks on Iran

You shall go to the (fire)ball

Coming to a theatre of war near you: Bibi and Donnie

Johnson will allow some refugees in UK but only in if they bid to play him at tennis first

Assisted suicide ‘much cheaper’ if you know Jeffrey Epstein

More money saving tips, from financial guru Martin Clueless

Our annual for 2021-22

It's called Operation EPIC FURY, here's what they rejected...

Putin explains to Trump that he's getting it all wrong

USA bombs Epstein news

Family voting 'definitely the problem' say Reform

Hannah Spencer sucks teeth and mutters, 'Which cowboy was in here before me?'

Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate

Supreme Court challenges Trump order to have statues on him installed in every street

Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

Keir Starmer Wins BAFTA for Best Actor in U-Turn: The Movie

First 'brat', now 'fly tip' summer forecasted for 2026

Horoscopes for March, by Fiery Horse

Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Jeffery and Andrew are typical names for a Muslim Grooming Gang

NewsBiscuit Car Review: The F-Rage (Independent supplier)

MOT changes: a photo probably isn't enough this year

The Andrew Files - what the police have found so far

Buckingham Palace announces new ceremony: Trooping the Suspect

Tramp awarded university degree after kipping in library

HR managers welcome the Fire Horse in 2026

Amazon launches submarine delivery service – Amazon Slime

Race against time to stop 'Bad Lego'

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

NewsBiscuit Car Review: The all new Keir Stormer

Met to co-opt clerics to CID

Doom 101

Driverless taxis to be trained in misogyny

7 corporate buzzwords to try and avoid in 2026

AI to set up an independent inquiry

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Council plans annual black bin collections

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Today's Christmas Card report

AI writed this headline: The future is now

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Fast & Furious Grand Theft Auto Top Gear mash-up planned

2026 World Cup to have new exciting USA First Format

Glinda nominates Elphaba for Ice Bucket Challenge

BBC apologises for Paddington's foul-mouthed marmalade heckle

Curling Fever has peaked, says NHS

Olympics sees rush on guttering and drainpipes

Those Andrew charges in full

Snowball Jousting is not in Winter Olympics...or is it?

NewsBiscuit Car Review: Kemi Torileda

Starmer appoints 'Kaa' Mandelson as his new chief of staff