At least she didn't turn out to be located in the MI5 head office.
Back up Your brain but not now!
(174 posts) (50 voices)
5 pages ! I predict we can get to 10 as long as Bonjo stays out of a 'wooden overcoat'.
Aren't we missing a trick here? The reactions to her excruciating drivel that you guys have shared on these pages is comedy gold and surely worthy of a quick trip out to the reviews section of her Amazon .. ehem... 'poetry [sic] book page'. After all, it's not often these days that an opportunity to unrestrainedly flourish the 'poke a mental' stick in full public view is handed out on a silver platter with an apple in it's beak! A well barbed cod book review can be an amusing distraction in times of austerity.
P.S. Is it just me or does anyone else thinks she looks a bit like a Crack Whore version of Debbie McGee?
The Lovely Mrs Paul Daniels
Dr. Karen Stevens PhD. (Pre Addiction)
I suppose a lifetime with Paul Daniels might do that to a girl, and it could explain why the lovely Debbie hasn't been seen on tele much these days!
Another Mr & Mrs Twee classic. You could almost do an annotated version of these, detailing how horribly everything goes wrong from a poetic point of view. The "scansion" alone would have me going for hours.
MR & MRS TWEE STOP BY AT THE TWEE CAFE
Mr & Mrs Twee,
Went for a walk in the country,
They discovered a twee farm shop cafe,
And stopped to partake of the fayre on display.
They sat down to a nice cream tea,
Plastic tablecloth and china crockery,
Lace doilies to boot,
With other Twee's all around, what a hoot!
But their peace and pleasure abruptly ceased,
When in was brought a child, wanting feast,
The child stole Mrs Twee's scone,
He didn't want just any one!
Mrs Twee snatched the scone back off the child,
Boy oh boy was Mrs Twee riled!
But the boy was determined to have her scone,
And so the battle for the scone, had just begun!
Mrs Twee determined to win the battle,
And soon engaged into some tittle tattle,
She told off the boy for stealing her scone,
But goaded his mother to set upon....
Set upon the barbed tongued Mrs Twee,
Until the battle turned into a war,
The boy crying for Mrs Twee's scone you see,
Narked his mother so much she hit out and tore....
Tore Mrs Twee's nice new coat,
As a scrap commenced, go act the goat!
The juvenile scrap began to make a mess,
As hot tea spilled over Mrs Twee's new dress.
The disgruntled boy flicked jam at Mrs Twee's hat,
Soon all sticky and jammie, get that!
Mr Twee tried in vain,
To prize the warring women, apart again!
The boy seized the chance to grab the scone,
As it flew out of Mrs Twee's hand in the fight,
The boy was quite a canny one,
To catch her scone in flight!
Mrs Twee was now fuming mad,
Jammie hatted and riled up bad,
The clotted cream slid off the falling table,
Before Mr Twee was fully able......
Able to prevent the cream landing on Mrs Twee's shoe,
Which subsequently, stuck like glue!
Now Mrs Twee was a walking cream tea,
And visibly angry for all to see.
The owner of the twee cafe,
Ordered the warring women to leave,
But in a bid to throw them out you see,
The door shut on Mrs Twee's coat sleeve....
The door ripped off the arm of Mrs Twee's coat,
Oh dear did the patrons scoff and gloat!
Mr Twee was unable to calm,
A Mrs Twee minus her coat arm!
Mrs Twee demanded the price of a new coat and hat,
But the cafe owner would hear nothing of that!
The mother and boy were determined to continue the war,
And so they pushed Mrs Twee to the floor!
Mrs Twee landed in a pile of horse manure,
Leaving Mrs Twee far from demure!
The battle set to get out of hand,
Saw Mrs Twee rise and raise her hand.
The mother of the boy in his defense,
Pushed Mrs Twee over a paddock fence,
But a raging bull was waiting there,
And by his horns raised up Mrs Twee, by her hair!
Mrs Twee struggling with all her might,
Was shaking and screaming amidst the fright,
The boy threw soil and stones at Mrs Twee,
One hit the bull who dropped her in a puddle of pee!
By now Mrs Twee looked far from prim,
Covered in cream tea, pee and manure so grim,
Mr Twee was at a terrible loss,
To calm Mrs Twee the angry boss!
Boss was she in the norm of things,
But yet again reduced to messy offerings,
With the boy and his mother so keen to battle on,
They're war accelerated and so keen to be won.
Mrs Twee was not to be taken out,
Despite her sustaining a final clout,
Which saw her land in a cow feeding trough,
With onlookers laughing what a scoff!
Mrs Twee never got to enjoy her country cream tea,
Her hat and coat got a taste of more than she,
Cared to sample of the countryside,
Would she now go home and forever stay inside?
My brain hurts.
Back it up.
Vogon constructor-ship Captain quality.
'Mr & Mrs Twee stop by the Twee Cafe' - based on a true story
This poem will be followed up by 'Mrs Twee goes to court for public order offences' and 'Mr Twee files for divorce following Mrs Twee's incarceration'.
I'm now tempted to write the court notes up in a lengthy, pointless, occasionally rhyming rant. Actually, watch this space... :)
MRS TWEE PAYS A VISIT TO COURT
'Twas a Monday lunchtime in June -
for Mr Twee not a day too soon –
as he regains control of his life
by divorcing his lunatic wife.
To court she was headed today
for her countryside exploits in May;
Fought mother and boy for cream tea
amd abused staff for all patrons to see.
“Mrs Twee” said the judge from his chair
“This hearing will try to be fair
but your actions are a true disgrace,
so impartiality may not be the case”.
Her solicitor glanced up from his book
and gave Mrs Twee a long look
“Why the fuck did you wear that torn coat?
And not wash? Shit, you smell like a goat”.
“It’s not goat!” said the cross Mrs Twee,
“It’s horse manure, cream, jam and pee”
And she turned up her nose at the gent,
angry he’d mistook her scent.
The first witness, to the stand, made her way
'Twas the manager of Twee Café.
“So tell us now, in your own time
just what happened (please speak in a poor rhyme)”.
So she stood up and looked at the crowd.
Confidently, she announced out loud,
“Well, this woman here came to my home
And fought with a boy for a scone.
The chav mother got riled-up too,
And then, the next thing I knew
was their food was all thrown on the floor
and she’d fucked up her coat on the door
The boy that she’d fought ‘in defence’
had launched her right over a fence.
To be honest I couldn’t care less.
She’s a bitch – let her look like a mess”
The solicitor knew that Mrs Twee
would never regain dignity.
But don’t worry! When she’s an inmate,
poems about her exploits will be great!
Bring it on Doctor, I can write poetry just as badly as you...
RSVP Kazytc, sorry, I mean RIP.
'kin brilliant Kim! The PhD is in the post.
Aww, thanks b-j. Deep down I know that I should've, used more, commas.
hands ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, to @kimllfixit
You dropped these whilst you were fixing the twees :-)
OK, Jolly Polly, let's have a full 300/400 word sub from you and see how it goes.
Like it or not...at least Kaz is putting the effort in.
I was told in all seriousness by a close family member that they much preferred Kaz's offerings to most of the stuff they read on NB
I think it's fair to say Kaz is an acquired taste.
But how many current Biscuiteers have left their mark in such a memorable way.
At one time the trolls said the same about shark's in formaldahyde and unmade beds and graffitti on walls.
Kaz could well be the new Banksy.
I wish I'd had a fraction of the attention that Kaz gets.
It takes time and effort to produce that amount of stuff - and while I agree Kaz should seriously consider changing her dealer - let's give the gal a break.
Do you know, Geronimo, that the top of the range Tena undergarments, as advertised on Yesterday TV, were not adequate in containing the amount of fluid I expelled during the reading of what you've just written.
Glad I could be of help Sid
It would be far less painful if she'd gone for Haiku as a style. No better perhaps but at least the reading/pain experience would have been briefer.
Summer cafe, cream tea.
Spew twee verse. Done! Lick windows.
All commas now used?
There's something sinister about the way she gets inside your head and makes you want to research her isn't there!
I actually pity Dr Karen Stevens, Senior Lecturer in Creative Writing at University of Chichester (genuine). I'm surprised Dr.Karen 'poke me I'm a mental' Stevens PhD hasn't claimed that job on her CV too! An Amazon search on the name brings up both women with the former listing a book entitled "Writing a First Novel" due for publication next Feb. It's listed immediately above the 'Serious & Satirical' offering of the beloved loony. The shared name cant bode well for sales! My "No Fucking Way!" reaction prompted the research that uncovered the genuine academic Dr Stevens.
Time for this to make it to the front page?
Fuck me! Is it that time of year again already? Before you know it ramblesid will be coming out of hibernation.
Is it two months already? At some point, bumping this will no longer be funny.
But not yet.
Ah... Welcome back to an old friend...
I heard a rumour that Rebecca may somehow be involved in all of this
She has a diploma in Photography too
Nice to see her position of comma abuser has not been lost. Now baaring in mind she has a disability, look at all the stuff she is willing to do! http://ihubbub.com/pin/serious-satirical-dr-karen-j-stevens-phd
Wow! Pretty comprehensive.
Just wonder if the Cardinals considered her? Can't imagine a better candidate for Pope than her.
I believe there is even a suggestion she was trained as a private detective!
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