Britain’s terror networks were facing an expensive upgrade to their IT systems last night after the government warned it had got wise to the potential threat from so-called cyber attacks.
A report from the New National Security Strategy group highlighted cyber crime, alongside a flu pandemic and a catastrophic shortage of Lemsip among the chief dangers facing the UK, yet remains scornful of the online capabilities of your average computer literate headbanger.
Meanwhile, TV footage of recent terror raids has featured officers removing antiquated box-style PCs like the one your uncle uses from a number of addresses instead of sleek snazzy laptops like the ones used in movies starring Will Smith where somebody needs to advertise a product.
And a senior source revealed that a recent attack was thwarted after a terrorist tried to hack into a highly sensitive MoD military system using a PC running Windows 95 and a dial-up modem. The computer in question later developed technical problems after the user failed to wait for the ‘It is now safe to turn off your computer’ alert.
DC Brian Sore, of the Metropolitan Police, said: ‘While the threat from cyber attacks remains an ongoing concern, research shows that the majority of these fruitcakes haven’t even upgraded their PCs to Windows Vista. Or in an effort to be seen as quirky they’ve rushed out to buy an Apple Mac only to find that it won’t allow them to view the construction of a tactical nuclear device using Windows Realplayer.
‘Those plotting mass civilian casualties should recognise that broadband is the way forward with many excellent deals available from companies such as AOL or Talk Talk, including unlimited free international calls likely to be of use to anyone hoping to send large chunks of central London hurtling towards the moon. ’
However, “David Smithie” an ex MI6 operative, last night warned against complacency, suggesting it’s only a matter of time before a cyber-savvy terrorist gets hold of a DVD copy of “I Robot” and comes to the conclusion that it is shit.