An FA spokesman said yesterday: "We've always known there was a groundswell of antipathy against the beautiful game amongst the chattering classes, and we have lived with this - until now. But finally we have come to realise that there is no longer any beauty in this game at all. It's not a great leveller enjoyed by all. It isn't a noble, aspirational sport to be admired the world over.
"It really is only about two teams of often grossly overpaid, narcissistic cretins chasing a ball round a pitch, trying to score goals. They in turn are watched by people with so little self-esteem that they feel the need to belong to a tribe of thugs, intent on meting out physical violence on supporters of opposing teams. It is a totally pointless pursuit, and the world will be a calmer, more peaceful place without it."
Last night Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney commented: "Fuck off."