The directors of some of the UK's most important businesses have all confirmed that they will be 'Very busy' from 8am to 2pm tomorrow, connecting to urgent global teleconferences on such matters as marketing, monthly revenue-target updates, health and safety lapses, sickness absence interviews and employee of the month nominations.
'It's vital that we all use Teams, Skype, Zoom and Slack - perhaps even a little WhatsApp - to connect with colleagues and flesh-out a plan on how we can cut-down on unnecessary expenses such as salaries and benefits, and to sack the workforce, but after that, which should last 15 minutes, we can all get shitfaced again. Alright?'
Some of Britain's most important bosses - such as Tim Martin - from Wetherspoons, don't even wait until the artificially imposed 2pm deadline. 'A 10am conference call in which I drink from a mug of 'Tea', which is in-fact 150 year-old Cognac helps me steady my nerves whilst I sack everyone and tell them to f*ck-off - the scrounging bastards. Fortunately I always look like a drunk, so it's an easy act to master' confirmed the multi-millionaire ' And my pubs are f*cking loaded with spirits for which we won't pay suppliers, and I have all the keys anyway. I'll be OK for a couple of weeks'.
It appears that the only members of the UK workforce that aren't getting shitfaced at 2pm everyday are the mundane emergency workers such as doctors, nurses, policemen, firemen, refuse collectors and parcel delivery workers. 'I have several of the above jobs, said part-time nurse Samantha Gittins.
Central government sources were reported to empathise with the plight of emergency workers such as Gittins, but feel they are powerless to act. 'Emergency workers are notoriously known for submitting late applications for assistance - and today is no different, as one was received at 2.01PM - at a time when we were all shitfaced. Again.