News has just reached us from Westminster that the Coalition Government has broken up after Nick Clegg and David Cameron 'severely fell out' over a game of Monopoly. The argument came about before play had started when the two leaders began to squabble over who should have the car and who should be stuck with the boot or the iron. According to inside sources, it soon turned nasty.
Senior Conservative minister William Hague told reporters today "I was watching the game personally, and I can only describe it as intense- you could feel the tension in the room from the beginning. Then, it all just snapped. They were throwing the pieces at each other, the 'chance' cards were flying all over the place and David tried to stick a little house down Nick's throat. Of course, I intervened in classic Tory style by running away and getting someone important to break it up for me. They can say what they like about us, but we Tories know what to do when the shit hits the fan."
Both leaders involved were eager to give their side of the argument. David Cameron told us that "Of course, it was all Nick's fault. I told him in a nice, civilised manner that I should get the car because if it weren't for me and my Government, he wouldn't be in power. I could see him getting cross, but I told him that he didn't necessarily have to be the boot- he could have always been the Iron, but he said that made hin feel like a housewife. He could have been the Dog, but he said he was scared of them. Then, it all got so childish. It's always self, self, self with Nick. Besides, it was my turn on the rota to get the car, and he knew it."
Nick Clegg informed us "I never got to use the car, ever. He was really nasty about it, too. He said that I deserved to have the boot, because my party smells of sweaty feet. Then he said that I should actually be the Dog, because my party smelt of Dog shit. Then I went mad. But you can't deny he deserved it."
There were further scenes at a press conference today, when the pair had to be seperated after Cameron told Clegg that they only split up because Clegg was such a rubbish leader. They were both placed in the "Time Out" corner until they could both calm down.
Allegations that the pair were close to splitting have been rife for a long time. Rumours that a board games championship wore the relationship thin- were Nick Clegg kept making Buckaroo buck on purpose, and where David Cameron burst out crying after he kept landing on a snake in Snakes 'N' Ladders- have been denied by a Downing Street spokesperson.