In a surprising outbreak of honesty Chancellor Alistair Darling will not deliver the expected pre-election budget but take the opportunity to admit the game’s up for New Labour. It is thought he will announce ‘well it was pointless spending time on a budget as we'll be out in two months anyway so none of it’s any use. I thought I could put the time to better use updating my CV.’
He won’t outline any election winning giveaways as thought ‘we were going to offer everyone in the country £1million cash and tickets to the X-Factor but it’s no use no-one believes anything we say anyway. No tax for the poor, less tax for the rich, nah they’re not buying. We’ll just let the other lot start sorting out the mess we’ve left them.’
The Conservative Shadow cabinet were unavailable as they were busy putting their many directorships of financial institutions into their wives names in time for the election.
Lib Dem ‘Shadow Chancellor’ Vince Cable took the opportunity to set out their economic vision but was cut short by waiting journalists who shouted remarks such as ‘oh f**k off mate, you’ve got no chance and no-one’s listening to your lot anyway’ and ‘join a proper party you might get elected.’