An experiment by the Jehovah’s Witnesses to outsource their Outreach and Evangelism programme to a series of call centres in Manila has "succeeded beyond everyone’s wildest expectations" according to leaders of the sect.
"Our religion decrees that all true followers of Jehovah and his earthly representative Jesus Christ, have a duty to regularly share their faith with others" explained Martin Brown, Senior Elder of the Midlands branch of the Watchtower Society "But it doesn’t say how we have to do it. Basically, for a few thousand quid a month of Watchtower funds, we’ve all just got our lives back." he added, speaking on the phone from La Playa golfing resort in Naples, Florida.
An attempt to encourage the public to phone in for more information was equally successful. A web advertisement asking: ‘Are you one of the chosen 144,000 who will gain entry into paradise?’ drew a huge response. "The phone lines were so hot they nearly melted" enthused Mike Smart the Watchtower Society’s national press officer, speaking from the Azimuth Hotel in Nice. "To be fair, most of the people who called thought it was the Glastonbury Festival ticket line. But after the call centre workers explained that ‘yes, there will be music in paradise’ and ‘no, there won’t be Fearne Cotton or Kate Moss flouncing about in expensive designer wellies.’ they still seemed pretty interested."
Other religious groups are eying the new scheme with great interest: "This is a hugely exciting business model, which we will carefully scrutinise" declared Clint Wonder, ebullient press officer for the Church of Scientology in California. "I must say though, it’s pretty much the opposite of our previous strategy: schmoozing Hollywood ‘A’-listers and suing the buttocks off anyone that kicks off. So this is a 180 degree turn for us. But face it: most of the people we target in places like Beverly Hills have Filipinos cleaning their pools out every day, so why should they object to them converting their family to a contentious religious sect?"