GB News to live stream small boat crossings
So-called news channel GB News is to live stream the arrival of asylum seekers at Dover in small boats. This second news channel, provisionally titled The English Channel, will broadcast live 24/7 and will supply highlights to the news channel. Refugee charities have agreed to allow cameras on their boats, to show the appalling conditions in which asylum seekers cross. 'It was a difficult call,' said the charities' spokesman. 'We know that Reform has a different agenda, but w
New series of Hunted to feature escaped criminals
With 262 prisoners released in error, the government has begged C4 to find them again. The new series will show understaffed prison guards leaving doors unlocked, while elite bounty hunters catch the criminals with large butterfly nets. There has been a 50% increase in accidental releases, which means no need for cakes baked with files in them. In fact, there are more criminals now living in the wild than beavers. Said one hunter: 'In theory these molestors and crooks could b
US concern as Whitehouse found listed on Rightmove
'I knew Trump had ordered some modifications,' said a US government spokesman, 'but I hadn't anticipated him listing the Whitehouse for sale'. The Rightmove listing describes the building as being 'ripe for updating' and 'suitable for a keen DIYer'. The listing asks for offers in the region of '$20 billion' and says 'Bitcoin preferred'. 'It's suffered some structural damage in recent days,' noted an estate agent, 'but it's recently had an updated patio area. The internal d
Manhunt for asylum seeker nets six suspects who aren't him
A manhunt launched to catch an Ethiopian asylum seeker who escaped from prison has successfully rounded up six suspects who are nothing like him. "We were told to put the dangerous sex offender on a plane to Addis Ababa," said prison service director Derek Blunder, "but we somehow got the order muddled up and released him with £1,000 pocket money and directions to an agreeable pizza restaurant and the railway station. "We then put a dragnet over the whole of the UK to catch h
Second House of Commons may be needed
We’ve all had that useless colleague, the one who swans about looking and sounding important but never does any actual fecking work. For more than a century, Britain has had a special warehouse to store the worst examples, safely keeping them away from the workplace. Located in central London, the House of Commons has brought relief to hundreds of businesses over the years. ‘I didn’t realise how much she was pecking at my head,' said Jenny, a sales manager from Wolverhampton
White House down
In the most damage done yet by an enemy of America, Donald Thump has turned the White House into a pile of rouble, sorry.., rubble. A spokes-denier said, 'No, nothing has happened and everything is fine. I SAID NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND EVERYTHING IS FINE. That noise? No, that's nothing, and certainly not collapsing masonry. And definitely not symbolic of what we're doing to the entire country. 'That missing entire front wall of the East Wing was like that when we got here
Jess Phillips should resign, just because
Our in house artist has provided this image of Postman Pat's cat and a crosshead screwdriver. Recent calls for the resignation of Jess Phillips have drowned out past calls for her resignation and a general sense of déjà vu. It's not so much that she needs sacking, it's just that her being a Minister is so damn weird. Said one voter, 'Do we need a reason to get rid of her? Oh, okay. How about - because she is a hypocritical performative narcissist. No? You want more? H
Tories Labour Conference hack goes unnoticed
Tory computer nerds thought they had scored a major PR victory over Labour when they hacked the geolocation service ‘What Three Words’. Unfortunately, no-one noticed. The correct What Three Words location for the Liverpool conference centre is square.jacked.slammed , which is already slightly amusing. The Tory hackers were able to change the descriptors regularly throughout the Labour conference. On the first day, the location was given as last.chance.saloon , which was l
Reform Party to declare racists as an oppressed minority
The Reform Party is to take action to level the playing field for racists, addressing the perception that there is something wrong with them. A spokesman, who clearly had something to get off his chest, gave us the following statement: ‘Racists are an oppressed minority, who should be protected from discrimination, ridicule and sneering. Other minorities are protected by law, and racists should be protected too. ‘We get shouted at in the street and when we go marching. Non-
Israel claims they and Hamas 'were on a break'
With strikes and gunshots again heard in all across Palestine again, an Israeli spokesperson has claimed today that they and Hamas, 'were on a break.' 'It’s all fine, we were on a break,' said Ben Bronten, an IDF official. 'We took some time out to see if we were over it all, and clearly we’re not. We both still have a lot of pent-up emotion, and that is going to come up in unexpected gunfire and missile strikes sometimes.” He went on to point out that sometimes truces were
