Her Majesty the Queen has today announced that all 37 Yeomen Warders, the ceremonial guardians of the Tower of London known as the Beefeaters, will be replaced this spring for environmental reasons.
The Beefeaters, present at the tower since 1485, will be officially retired in time for the new bean season this summer. A spokesman for the 775-roomed Buckingham Palace said the Queen was “Conscious to be doing her bit for the environment in these times of need.”
According to the Environmental Agency, the carbon footprint of Beefeaters is more than three times that of the proposed Beaneaters. In an interview this week, Head of the EA, Gillian Wares, said, “We’ve all felt Storm Ciara battering the country this week like a juicy fillet of cod. Every Beefeater we hire is just another stake through the heart of the Environment. Beaneaters represent a green alternative.”
Gillian was later called out on Twitter by user @Sir_Loin for salivating into the microphone as she said the word ‘stake.’
John Deringer, a Beefeater of forty years, thinks the move is down to public misinformation. “It is true that cattle are the second largest source of methane emissions. What they don’t tell you is that the largest emissions actually come from vegetarians, in particular Beaneaters. But the public just can’t digest these facts. Beefeaters are lean and robust – we can do the work of four stringy Beaneaters.”
When asked what he will do now, John said: “Me and the boys will probably have to resort to free-lance Beefeating. There are good opportunities for Beefeaters in guarding cattle farms from Eco-Warriors – the Beaneaters just won’t touch that stuff. It’s more dangerous, but as we say here: Risk it for a brisket.”
The Palace has announced the move will lead to greater diversity in the Yeomen Warders. “Beefeaters are overwhelmingly overweight, white males. We will do our best to attract a diverse range of different Beaneaters, including black, yellow, and haricot candidates.”
The Queen, meanwhile, has refused to comment on replacing the Black Bear Skin hats of her personal Palace Guard, despite pressure from Greenpeace to switch to recycled Brown Paper Bags.
