A daytime TV host has decided to tell the world he is bland. ‘I probably knew I was bland from when I was a child,’ the man explained to a press conference. ‘I was different from other kids who wanted to seem interesting. I liked being bland and quite liked other bland people. I was always drawn to the beige, the middle to low brow, the barely interesting. But back then you couldn’t admit it. Even today people have always had the wrong idea about blandness.
‘I’m lucky enough to have a guide dog for the bland, who can tug me away from staring at mid-price housing ads in estate agents windows, or car number plates, some of which can nearly spell whole words. Yes, I have a cheery smile, immaculate teeth and an ever so mildly comical character. But a good night in for me is watching paint dry, as long as it’s not too strong a colour. And a good night out is watching exterior paint dry, again within limits.
People undervalue the bland, but I’ve managed to make a living out of it, and now it’s time, I think, to be an out bland man. My wife has known for years that I’m bland and I’ve always had a thing for same sex, as sex between us has been the same since the very start.
