Labour leadership hopefuls have united in their belief that popular board games should no longer exist in a ‘London-centric Westminster bubble’. Instead popular family board games such as monopoly are to be re-zoned to hitherto underused areas of the north of England.
‘For a long time I have worried about the cheap rents in Whitechapel,’ said leadership hopeful Sir Keir Starmer, ‘The Monopoly board views it as one of the cheapest parts of London, but when I ride my single speed fixed gear bicycle there to meet my chums in their multi million pound loft apartment to share my ethically foraged tapenade with them, they do mention, usually with some pride, how much property around their area costs. Monopoly just misrepresents the desirability of the area- did you know you can get a curry and a pint of craft mead and still have change from £100?’
Others have suggested that a more devolved, nationally representative monopoly board would energise the nation and make Labour a more inclusive party once more. Replacing The Old Kent Road with Middlesbrough would be a first choice for Rebecca Long-Bailey, ‘I would immediately ban bearded bicycling and reintroduce the true grittiness of the north eastern chemical plant that is Middlesbrough. Everyone knows that you can probably purchase an entire street for around £50 there, although I’m not so sure about the market for hotels.’
Lisa Nandy took a different approach to the issue, despite rumours that she would campaign for Didsbury to replace Mayfair. She brought her focus to Scrabble and suggested that there should be bonus points for compound words such as ‘Brexitinsanity’, ‘OhshitnonmetropolitanconstituentswantedBrexit’ and ‘ButIlovelivinginthatLondon’.
Emily Thornberry was unavailable for comment but was rumoured to be close to finishing an especially tricky game of Trivial Pursuit.
