The UK government's Sentencing Council, have today, told Judges and magistrates, that in order to save the government 20 million pounds per year, that they must send fewer violent thugs to jail.
In the process of ruling this, the government have kindly, given thugs, a license to beat people up, including police officers, and with no more fear of imprisonment.
Since the announcement was made at 9am this morning, thugs have successfully beaten to death:
One million police officers,
2 million Judges,
3 million magistrates,
4 million Hells Grannies,
3 million old men
3 million school children
6 million tax officers
3 million Benefits agency staff
and 5 million Traffic wardens, who were also mugged, for the traffic meter money, to afford the perpetrators, the best lawyers to help them to get off in court.
The legal aid system, is now likely to collapse, under the strain of many jobless thugs, applying for legal aid, to enlist the services of lawyers, in order to fight for them in court.
The deaths of these Judges, Magistrates and police officers, means that most of the thugs, either won't get a court hearing for many months, if at all, or, and if there are any police officers left alive, to arrest them in the first instance.
10 million UK thugs, are celebrating tonight, having got one up on the legal system, and the government, in the wake of the new ruling.
We spoke to one violent thug, a Mr Butch Bashful, about how the new ruling, would make a difference to his career, as a violent thug....
He replied:
"Oh a lot of difference, I can beat up more people, and I won't have to waste my valuable time, being locked up in prison, or attending court, it's boring in those places, anyway, and I never did like state paid for, holidays, in the government's answer to Butlins".
On balance this is not going down well , with police officers either, we spoke to Superintendent Hank Cuff, and asked him what this new ruling will mean to him.....
He replied: "It will mean that I will have to find ways to stay off the streets, like taking all day doing a small amount of paperwork, just to stay safe inside the station, I shall have to write a whole lot slower, and go off sick more too, this means that I will lose my overtime, in some instances".
We visited a Judge, who was lucky to have survived an attack on him earlier today, and asked him how he felt about the new ruling, Judge Walter Wigg-Lockett told us....
"Well I am most disturbed by this new ruling, because there is no point in my sitting on a bench all day, if I cannot send people to prison, it's more fun when you can do that, it makes you feel more powerful".
Just a few responses to the new ruling.
So what will it mean to you the British Electorate....
Well it will mean having to carry specially made coshes, which look like innocent umbrellas, in your handbags, if you are woman, so this means having to buy a much larger bag with stronger handles, as well as a tonne of perfume, to spray in the faces of any attackers.
Many women are replacing handbags with shopping trolleys, in order to carry more ammunition.
Men are having to invest in sets of knuckle dusters, and other equipment for self defense purposes, so it means buying Fagan style overcoats, so that men can store their secret weapons, in the lining of the coat, and accessible via the false pockets.
Children will have to carry two satchels to school, one with weapons of mass destruction in, for self defense purposes, and the other for school books and pencils.
The CCTV cameras spying on us in the shopping centre streets, will now film nothing but violent crime programmes, that will be more for entertainment purposes as opposed to their being for prosecution purposes as before.
Police are now expecting the government, to issue police style batons, to all thugs, so that they can do their jobs better.
The Nanny State, is all ready to roll, with slaps on the wrists, for naughty thugs, who get caught, and psychologists are poised to make more diagnoses, that the thugs are merely intellectually challenged, and have even more learning difficulties, than ever before.
The government have asked us to warn the UK electorate, that they will only have to cope with endless sleepless nights, and be terrified to go out at all, until someone boots them out of power, that is if there is anyone left out there, to vote in a new government , who hasn't either been beaten to death, or given a dose of brain damage, as a result of thugs being now licensed to kill by the new government ruling.
Please don't panic if you see a thug coming toward you, a policeman will be close by, even if he is dead on the street in front of you.
More news later, watch this space..... if you are lucky enough to survive until my next broadcast.