Senior management at Barclaycard were forced to admit today that they had resorted to banning staff from masturbating whilst on duty in the call centre following a string of complaints from customers and cleaning staff. The problem is thought to be at its worst in the arrears department. Apparently, the work there has become so depressing that staff have to resort to ‘knocking one out’ from time to time to stave off suicidal tendencies.
One of the staff told us: “Working in a call centre is bad enough, but having to deal with all these people defaulting on their credit cards and their crying is putting us all on a real downer. I mean, don’t they know there’s a recession on and stuff? I could lose my job. Selfish wankers.”
Another call centre operator talked of the intense feeling of temptation during long shifts: “Look, this is a call centre so the pay is shit and the hours are long. Who wouldn’t be tempted to crack one off or have a good rummage? Some of these people have got really sexy voices, especially the ones with emphysema – you’d have to be a saint not to.”
A spokesperson for Barclaycard said that management was in discussion with the unions about providing an outsourced sexual relief service using local prostitutes. Negotiations came to a climax when management refused to budge on staff signing out before visiting the sex workers. One director told us, “You can’t have staff ‘on the job’ on the job; that’s a management privilege. Everyone else will have to swipe out before intercourse. It’s a case of ‘no clock off, no cock off’ I’m afraid.”
[I originally had this based in the Samaritans but felt bad about that and swapped to Barclaycard - any thoughts?]