UK Government's, Work and Pensions Secretary, Ian Dementia-Smith, has announced that 500,000 people, are 'fit to work', despite claiming sick pay, he moves to get these people back to work, in a bid to save 4 billion pounds for the government.
Claiming sick pay himself, for senile dementia, thought to have been inspired by his name, Ian Dementia-Smith, will effectively be reducing his own income, but he is determined to get knighted at the end of his term in office, and so he has claimed that he deems this magnanimous move, well and truly worth it.
The concern for the 499,000 people on sick pay though, is that most of these people are claiming sick pay because they are sick, unlike Ian Dementia-Smith, who is intellectually and mentally challenged, or in slang terms, "Radio Ga Ga".
In a bid to enforce this ruling, Ian Dementia-Smith, has devised a new test, which will determine their true fitness for work.
The new test will involve putting claimants through a physical test as well as a questionnaire.
The physical part of the new test will see specialist doctors making claimants do things like:
Jump up and down on the spot even if they are unable to stand.
Wear a blindfold and write 20 lines saying "I shall not bum money off the state".
Wear a blindfold and pick out which of the 10 people in the room kicked you from behind.
Reach up and get something off a shelve that is 4 foot high whilst wearing stilts that raise you to ceiling level
Stand up and sit down whilst wearing special pants with super glue smeared all over them
Slap three people over the head and if they punch you back, knock them flat out.
Putting on a pair of shoes whilst your hands are tied behind your back.
Just some of the rigorous things claimants will be asked to do, and those who fail to do any of the above things, will be forced to take a 50% cut in benefits, and made to go back to work, in whatever job the government give them, even if you can't do it.
The questionnaire will ask questions such as:
Can you walk downstairs on your hands only?
Can you walk on water?
Are you Jesus?
Can you lie on a bed of nails without feeling the pain?
Can you sleep with your eyes open?
Can you reach a plane in the sky standing only in your stocking feet?
Just some of the 1000 questions claimants may be asked, and those who answer No, to more than 5 out of every 10 questions will be deemed as trying to claim, they are disabled, when in fact they are not, and forced to return to work and made to take a 50% cut in benefits in the interim.
Ian Dementia-Smith who devised the test, has been accused of pure insanity by ministers of the opposition, whilst many have considered it all par for the course, of a man suffering from advanced dementia.
The new test will come into effect from next week.
Ian-Dementia-Smith told the House of Commons, that he feels that once the 499,000 other sick pay claimants, have been put through this test, it will see over 350,000 wheelchairs redundant, and thus saving the government a further 20 million pounds, on the previously planned purchase, of new wheelchairs for the UK's hospitals, nationwide.
Ed Elasticband, leader of the opposition, has accused Ian Dementia-Smith, of trying to kill off these 499,000 people, or at the very least, setting them up for serious injury, which will only make them sicker than they already are, but Ian Dementia-Smith hit back and accused Ed Elasticband, of just trying to undermine his flair for logistics, and threatening the financial well being of the state purse.
Ian Dementia-Smith is expected to fail his test next week, putting him on long term sick pay, and leaving his ministerial position up for grabs.
499,000 benefit claimants on sick pay, have already applied for his job.
More news later, watch this space, minus dementia.