Commonwealth Games Headlines
Tortoise come last in 100m final, admits tactics backfired.
Existential crisis for weightlifter. “I lift the weight up, I then put it down. I then lift a slightly heavier weight. What’s the point of it all” Triple jumpers warned to keep away from lifter
Scottish send athlete home in disgrace.” It was denied of course but the signs were all there. No Adams apple, little body hair, high voice. She just wasn’t taking the special supplements that we told her to.”
British Olympic committee say claim that yachting is the most important sport in the world is unrelated to Gold medals. Unlike running, throwing and jumping it’s fair to everyone. Not all of us are fortunate to have the opportunity of running twenty miles barefoot to school every day or ten miles to get clean water. Yachting is open to everyone Kalahari bushman, Mexico City slum dweller, and desert nomad. Pay 500 grand for a boat and you are already one of the best in the world. What’s fairer than that?
Paula Radcliffe admits to a lack of motivation. After urinating and defecating during races what’s left to achieve.
Boxer attributes success due to a liking for psychotic violence. Says it’s not true that boxing is physical chess. Nigel Short still in hospital.
Generation 2012 to be encouraged with new sports. Texting, binge drinking and knife crime.
In an attempt to save money and take advantage of local facilities the organizers of the 2012 games are making some alterations. There will be no dedicated venue for fencing. Instead it will be held outside the pub at closing time with Stanley knives to be used. All shooting events will use sawn off shotguns and instead of medals will win a day’s takings from a nearby off license.
To avoid judging controversy all boxers will be armed with broken bottles.
British Athlete declares that he will go old school “These days it’s all designer this and designer that, Creatine, nutritionists and god knows what. I'm going back to basics. Steak and chips every day & steroids designed for horses. It’s what made the East German women’s team what they are today. Mostly men”
Poll: Is adding an onboard motor to the new Speedo swim suits a step too far?
Gymnast dedicates win to abusive father. Says Every beating was a step closer to a medal. British papers lament lack of parental violence.
Competitors in sports no one watches or wants to participate in, complain of bias in favour of popular sports.
“Why is it only in an Olympic year that our dull boring pointless sports get publicity? Shouldn't people be forced to pretend to care about them at other times?”
Australian team to give up relay medal before the games starts. “Let’s face it we are going to win the 4x400 metre relay anyway and in a couple of year’s half out team are going to fail drug tests. Why not spare ourselves the heartbreak and the crushing sense of disappointment and gain some goodwill by willing giving it up before we actually win it?”
Alcoholic morbidly obese sports journalist writes article asking why athletes put their lives at risk by consuming dangerous substances.