Tom Cruise dismayed Scientology believers by today abandoning all faith in Scientology and announcing his conversion to the Church of Electric Light Orchestrology.
Cruise spoke to us regarding his decision: ‘Oh Christ’, he said, ‘what was I thinking? Why did nobody tell me this stuff was so bonkers? Katie is going to kill me.’ Cruise’s publicist later contacted us to explain that he did not mean Christ in a Judaeo-Christian sense, but rather in a generic exclamation of surprise.
Cruise’s new religion, based on the music of seventies and eighties light prog rock favourites ELO, has already gathered over fifteen million followers worldwide after excessively heavy promotion of their album, The Essential Electric Light Orchestra Collection and the use of one of their best known tracks in Doctor Who.
The church’s teachings focus on the use of enticing, string-based classical sounds in a contemporary light prog-rock setting. Believers argue that if the classical rock fusion form can be perfected, then a giant spaceship (as seen on the cover of the Essential Collection) will descend and carry the faithful away to a paradise planet called Xanadu.
Cruise is the latest in a long line of celebrities to abandon Scientology, which is now in danger of losing its capital letter. Those who have sought out the sacrament of ELO have spoken about the relief they felt knowing their new religion was firmly based on a clear scripture and orthodoxy, as well as driving cello based riffs.
However, Scientologists have struck back, pointing out various theological weaknesses including the fact that no intergalactic lizards were involved in the creation of ELOlogy. They also quote the example of the 1983 album Secret Messages, which they say does contain any secret messages at all beyond the track Danger Ahead, thought to be a cryptic comment foretelling the death of Coronation Street’s Len Fairclough in a motorway bridge / transit van collision.
Cruise has now officially been declared an apostate and is subject to a Scientology kill on sight order. Tragically this means he will not be able to finish filming Mission Impossible 4.