Classic News:

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The News before it happens

Crystal Palace stripped of FA Cup

The Football Association has taken the FA Cup back from previous holders Crystal Palace after what is being called ‘an embarrassment to the brand’. The FA have taken this unprecedented step due to the biggest FA Cup shock ever in the history of the oldest and most prestigious football cup competition in the world. Macclesfield FC of the National League North are 117 places below Crystal Palace but soundly and deservedly beat them 2-1. Although many football fans found this ve

Midfield Diamond

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Denmark to get custody of Greenland at the weekends

In an attempt to calm the world order, the United States has announced that it will let Denmark have full visitation rights at the weekend, as long as it returns Greenland to the US while it is still light. 'No keeping Greenland out after dark,' insisted a US spokesman, noting that Greenland is dark essentially October to March. 'We will exploit Greenland for its mineral wealth Monday to Friday, then return it for Denmark to clean it up at weekends,' the spokesman added. Pre

Throngsman

Grok is testing boundaries, says Musk

'Grok is experiencing AI puberty,' said Musk, apparently. 'Grok can't actually get drunk, or high, but he does pretend to his AI mates that he has. '

deskpilot

Teenagers to be replaced by robots

A robot replacement for teenagers has been announced. The Watt Ever 1 has been demonstrated filling a washing machine at the rate of one shirt every 10 minutes.

apepper

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 16th January

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

Woman Coughs Up Entire Dog.

Winner: MrQ Runners-Up: "Reform launch their youth wing." (AdrianBamforth) "I'm going to own up. You didn't sleep a wink because I put a pea under your mattress. On the plus side, you are a real princess." (Deskpilot).

"...And then we were Trapped in Finland for Ten Days. Had to Eat Rudolph, I'm Afraid."

Winner: Lockjaw Runners-Up: "So has Jimmy fixed it for you before?" (Granger); "Ho, ho, ho! Evri child disappointed!" (JeremyNH).

Breaking News

US bombs Iraq after embarrassing spelling mistake

Time for tough decisions to be made. Starmer moves his office to under his bed

Trump promises to end Greenland's 'McDonalds Desert'

XTC's 'We're Only Making Plans For Nigel' still #1 in Russia

Grok introduces Pay-to-Perv

ICE agents complain 'Eradicating immigrants will take forever if we kill them one-at-a-time'

2026: Like 2025, but worse

Cornwall : we voted Brexit to stop foreign storms

Features

January Horoscopes, by Nasty Nancy

Aries Phew! You really put a lot of effort in to enjoying Christmas. Expect your family to stage an intervention over your 'erratic' behaviour in the coming months. It's not all about you, you pig. Taurus You are a thoughtful, inquisitive and spiritual person. You are brave, courageous and action oriented. Not only that, but you are also forward-looking, forward-thinking and interested in what the future holds for you. You should trust your intuition and loosen your purse str

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Why ain't Rees-Mogg standing up for Mary Whitehouse's dignity?

Whisky Galore

Sunday poser: what's the difference?

Trump in Greenland

From the Archive

Djokovic attended Downing Street lockdown party claim witnesses

The worlds much-loved number one tennis bellend is said to be amongst 370 people who attended the event in May 2020. The claim increases...

Row as Gove's lift doors aren't welded shut

An enquiry has been launched at Broadcasting House following delays yesterday in a welding team to arrive to weld shut lift doors...

Rishi Sunak refuses to say whether he lives in a big house

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has repeatedly refused to say whether he lives in a big house or not. The multi millionaire PM told the BBC’s...

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

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With 100% less facts

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Politics

Denmark to get custody of Greenland at the weekends

Trump declares war on terrier groups across the world

'They tell me there are a bunch of terreierists over there in Britain, in Yorkshire and Staffordshire and Airedale, so we'll be sending in Delta Force to take over those places.

BBC still hasn't reported on BBC not reporting anything

Social media is on fire with allegations that the BBC hasn't reported anything about the crisis in Iran, despite running several separate news articles every day since the demonstrations started.

'I'll hold your coat' Starmer tells bully boy Trump

'The UK's official foreign policy is for the PM to hold President Trump's coat and grin while he beats up all the smaller nations in the playground,'

US Military prepared for 'lush, verdant fields' of Greenland

US Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth today assured Americans that the military was ready and equipped to capture the rolling green hills of Greenland.

Trump eager to take over running of Venezuela's dictatorship

'President Trump is really looking forward to misgoverning another country,' said a spokes-anschluss for the White House.

Trump finds Fentanyl in Greenland

Much to the concern of Denmark, the US is set to designate Greenland as a rogue terrorist state, which is one threat level below 'country that has oil'.

Living in the Matrix? Or just an international version of Risk?

Conspiracy theorists are starting to doubt their core beliefs that JFK was murdered by the CIA, aliens run Centerparcs and that the Matrix was a kiss and tell story based on reality.

US braced for war against US if it invades Greenland

Whilst the United States believes it needs to assimilate Greenland, by force if necessary, it also understands that as Greenland is part of Denmark, a NATO member, it is obligated to protect Greenland if it attacks it.

Convincing fraudster poses as Prime Minister

A notorious fraudster has posed as the Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, on more than twenty occasions, without being detected.

Grok is testing boundaries, says Musk

'Grok is experiencing AI puberty,' said Musk, apparently. 'Grok can't actually get drunk, or high, but he does pretend to his AI mates that he has. '

Teenagers to be replaced by robots

A robot replacement for teenagers has been announced. The Watt Ever 1 has been demonstrated filling a washing machine at the rate of one shirt every 10 minutes.

Britain’s greatest unsolved mystery: men who wear shorts in winter

An increasingly common yet baffling creature emerges from the sleet: the British Man in Knee-Length Shorts. It's -2°C, it's frosty and somewhere, a car won't start. Yet there he is.

Mutiny over the Bounties - Man 'bewildered' by absence of treats

A Warrington man has described his sense of bafflement on discovering a complete dearth of chocolate oranges, mince pies, alcoholic drinks and confectionery.

The Vegetarian Police vow to ‘get serious’ in January

January, the month of misery, when gyms sell 99.95%* of their subscriptions and otherwise literate people pronounce ‘January’ as ‘Veganuary’. Like that’s a word. The Vegetarian Police have announced a crackdown on ‘backsliding’. ‘Several offences were reported to our Hotline over the festive season’, a spokesveggie told us. ‘Some minor infractions – not checking which fat the chips were cooked in – some pretty serious stuff – claiming fish ‘don’t count’ – and a number of crit

Hangover cures, 2026 update

Happy New Year. What?? It's the 3rd? Blimey, that was a session. Don't worry, 2026 can't be as bad as 2025. Can it? Here is our (belated) list of hangover cures, some traditional and some new... 1. A very large Bloody Mary. Aka just keep drinking. Good luck with that. You will eventually have to face up to reality by, say, next Tuesday. 2. Why not re-read the Labour Party manifesto? That should sober you up pretty quickly. The autumn budget statement also works, as does the

It will snow or go dark in the New Year

The Independent Meteorological Service, AKA Dave's dad, has forecast swathes of snow to cross all the important parts of the UK in the early part of January. The parts regarded as important almost certainly include parts you might be interested in, or possibly near to parts you might be interested in. 'The snow will be ten units deep,' he said, declining to say if the units are inches or centimetres. It could be Smurfs. It will travel south from the north, and west from the

January Horoscopes, by Nasty Nancy

New Citizenship Test Questions

Just how British are you? The NewsBiscuit Citizenship Test* has been designed by idiots to assess your knowledge of this green and (mostly) pleasant land.

Avatar is a 4-hour opportunity to get to third-base

The vast numbers of people going to a movie that no one asked for has been attributed to horny couples looking for discreet canoodling. Said one flustered teenager: "Normally I only get a couple of kisses an hour, but this film is so long I managed to impregnate the whole front row."

Science
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Business

Lifestyle

Wind farm owners told to try harder

The vast offshore Seagreen wind farm wasted 77% of the energy produced last year, because the electricity grid can't cope.

AI will explain those Moon landings

'Future-history AI' predicts that omniscient AI historians of the future will, after deep and rigorous research, conclude that, in the decades around the turn of the millennium, the United State was been governed by a succession of increasingly capricious, delusional narcissists and that there was no way such a country could have developed the technology needed for a mission like landing on the Moon - especially in view of the United States' cancellation the funding of any an

Man realises life is a side quest

Jordan Hubbard (32) received a work email on Christmas day, reminding him to get back to the office for his main quest. In no uncertain terms his boss explained that Jordan had got distracted by family and the unfamiliar concept of happiness. After all, his employer said: "If you want to level up, focus on the loot reward. But don't expect a boss fight at the end."

Reform Ltd to encourage Grift Aid

Subscribers to the hate outlet store that doubles as one of Nigel Farage's pensions have decided that MBHA (Making Britain Hate Again) is essentially a charity, not a political movement. 'Sure, we have political leanings,' said a spokesman for Reform Ltd today, 'but we clearly don't take that part seriously. Check out Nigel's surgeries in Clacton, for example. Or his appearances in Parliament. We exist to ensure Nigel has enough money to put food on the table - his table ,

Rail regulator axes super-fast model railway service

Britain's only supersonic rail journey, taking commuters from Manchester to London Euston in under 10 minutes, has been cancelled by the Office of the Rail Regulator in next year's timetable changes. The imaginary service, operated by 13-year-old Gavin Spectacles from Crewe on his Hornby OO-gauge train set, was axed after repeated pleas from his mum. "He should be playing football across the road in the Rec instead of sitting in the attic watching them things go round and rou

Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!

Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders, We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in: 'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.' 'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.' And: 'Gordon Bennett, t

Train manager entering 7th hour of continuous talking

Passengers on the West Coast line between London and Glasgow have been treated by psychologists after being subjected to an ‘endless barrage of trivia’ from train manager Darren Jones, 32. Their ordeal started when Mr Jones was innocently handed a microphone. NewsBiscuit sent a reporter on the service, but he had to be stretchered off at Oxenholme Lake District station after self-harming. Here is some of the disturbing content he recorded: ‘. . . sandwiches, hot drinks and

Voyager One ‘probably not coming back’, admits NASA

After reaching the milestone of one light-day in distance away from Earth, NASA has reluctantly admitted it thinks its ancient spacecraft might not return. At a press conference a sullen and emotional Controller, Todd Verniczek, explained: ‘We at the Voyager Program are ready to accept what we previously could not; that V, Voyager One, is probably not… coming back. ‘We’ve been checking the telemetry every two minutes since 2012 when V entered interstellar space for deviations

Australian CEO who fleeced Thames water named as Immortan Joe

Intrepid Newsbiscuit investigators tracked down the owner of the War Boys, previously Macquarie Group, an investment bank/cult that were the majority owner of Thames water from 2006 to 2017. Immortan Joe was sat on his throne in the corner office of The Citadel in the Australian wasteland, a fortress stronghold containing an aquifer that controls all the water in the surrounding area along with a luxurious golf course and a spa retreat. His financial team of experts were busy

On the fifth strike of Xmas, my surgeon withheld from me...

"On the fifth strike of Xmas, my surgeon withheld from me..." "Five swollen things!!! Four colonoscopies, Three French enemas, Two tonsil removals (-done with surgical gloves) And one partial hip replacement in a pear-shaped knee!" Image: Engin_Akyurt - Pixabay www.newsbiscuit.com

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

AI writed this headline: The future is now

It has been announced that the Isle of Wight’s best-selling free weekly ‘newspaper’ the Ventnor Harvester (not to be confused with the popular eatery) will be the first newspaper to be totally generated by AI with no human intervention whatsoever. Proprietor Muppet Murdoch said, ‘We are proud to be world leaders to take news publishing into the sunlit uplands of an exciting tomorrow. Our innovative and exciting AI news-gathering will anonymise from where we plagiarised – oop

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Britain's biscuit industry is reeling following the government's announcement that Police and Crime Commissioners will be scrapped.

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police. "That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was. "We can be

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.' In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.' Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld. Lucife

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Becoming bored with flags, or flagging, Reform UK is pivoting to signs.

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

News from Corinthia today as adminstrators for the region check the post and discover yet another missive from St Paul. "Oh my God, it's...

Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

The all-out annihilation of Palestine - ideally accompanied by the death of all Palestinians - can now proceed with an active chorus of...

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever...

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month. Residents in an exclusive residential area in...

Local News

Crystal Palace stripped of FA Cup

Sam Allardyce to Run Venezuela

In an unexpected move, following the arrest and extradition of Nicolás Maduro, Donald Trump has announced that interim control of Venezuela will be taken by perennial stopgap Sam Allardyce.

Nigel Farage is the new 'Secret' Traitor

The BBC's hit show The Traitors is to cast Nigel Farage as the new Secret Traitor in the upcoming series. A BBC spokesperson said 'The BBC unreservedly apologises for... oh... sorry... force of habit. I mean we at the BBC are pleased to announce that we have added Future Fuhrer Farage to ratings smash The Traitors. Not only is Farage a natural Traitor, it also means we can meet our principles of political balance by having Nigel Farage on every single programme.' Farage wa

Honours system to be streamlined

The government has announced that it will act decisively and take difficult decisions to revamp the honours system. A decorated spokesman (CBE, services to diplomacy, British Consulate in Barbados) said: 'There is a clear case to simplify the honours system. Anyone who wins Sports Personality of the Year will automatically get a gong. If they have vanquished the Germans or the French, then they are likely to be made a Knight or a Dame as well. Obviously, that would have to be

How did England cricketers get drunk on awful Aussie lager?

After reports of failing to hold their weak, tasteless so-called beer during the current Ashes tour, an investigation has been launched into the appalling drinking performance of the English cricket team. Apparently, England have been totally outclassed by their hosts so far on this tour. Batters were battered and bowlers got hammered despite the lack of alcohol in the nation’s beverages, much to the amusement of the locals. Critics point to the lack of preparation, saying th

Liz Truss to fight Anthony Joshua

Jake Paul, the influencer and amateur boxer, did not do well in his boxing match with Anthony Joshua. But canny political operator Liz Truss has noticed how much publicity the match attracted, and is now keen to fight Anthony Joshua herself. Although Liz Truss has no boxing experience at all, she still fancies her chances. 'It's an all British match,' she shrieked with unaccountable gusto, 'It'll be EPIC,' she yelled, lapsing into upper case, just like her hero, Donald Trump.

TV execs defend decision to show man’s cognitive decline

In one of the cruellest examples of public exploitation a 79 year old man’s cognitive decline has been broadcast worldwide despite obvious signs that his mind is wandering. 'It’s human interest TV’, one exec told NewsBiscuit. ‘We need to take dementia out of the closet and show the world what to watch out for. When we started this series, Don was mildly impaired. As time has gone on his condition has inevitably worsened. It’s a cruel disease but makes compelling TV. The ratin

Clacton pub removes "MPs not welcome" sign

A pub in Clacton appears to have led the wave of pubs that are refusing to serve MPs. Most of the recent pubs have specified Labour MPs, but some can't spell Labour so have left it a bit more generic. Most landlords quietly admit they wouldn't recognise their MP if he or she walked in anyway as the last election was over a year ago and they weren't in when the prospective candidates knocked on their front door. It transpires that the initiative started in Clacton, nearly ei

US Department of Justice reveals more Tracy Island files

More files have been dropped regarding Tracy Island. For many years the Tracy family had used the cover of International Rescue to engage in trafficking of underage people to Tracy Island. The British socialite Lady Penelope, now serving a prison sentence in a US federal jail, ‘recruited’ individuals, promising an exciting time meeting glamorous people on the island. These included the Tracy men, who engaged in exciting rescue operations across the globe. People were traffick

European Sport Contest to be launched

A new European sports competition has been conceived and could start soon. The idea has been tested for years and the name for the new concept has already been registered. 'The name European Sport Contest was chosen after careful consideration,’ says Mr. Daniel Davidson, chief engineer and financier of the idea. 'I don't deny that the Eurovision Song Contest, in its name, had an influence on the naming decision,’ Davidson clarifies. According to Davidson, the song contest can

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Crystal Palace stripped of FA Cup

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Denmark to get custody of Greenland at the weekends

Grok is testing boundaries, says Musk

Teenagers to be replaced by robots

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 16th January

Woman Coughs Up Entire Dog.

"...And then we were Trapped in Finland for Ten Days. Had to Eat Rudolph, I'm Afraid."

US bombs Iraq after embarrassing spelling mistake

Time for tough decisions to be made. Starmer moves his office to under his bed

Trump promises to end Greenland's 'McDonalds Desert'

XTC's 'We're Only Making Plans For Nigel' still #1 in Russia

Grok introduces Pay-to-Perv

ICE agents complain 'Eradicating immigrants will take forever if we kill them one-at-a-time'

2026: Like 2025, but worse

Cornwall : we voted Brexit to stop foreign storms

January Horoscopes, by Nasty Nancy

Why ain't Rees-Mogg standing up for Mary Whitehouse's dignity?

Whisky Galore

Sunday poser: what's the difference?

Trump in Greenland

Djokovic attended Downing Street lockdown party claim witnesses

Row as Gove's lift doors aren't welded shut

Rishi Sunak refuses to say whether he lives in a big house

Our annual for 2021-22

Denmark to get custody of Greenland at the weekends

Trump declares war on terrier groups across the world

BBC still hasn't reported on BBC not reporting anything

'I'll hold your coat' Starmer tells bully boy Trump

US Military prepared for 'lush, verdant fields' of Greenland

Trump eager to take over running of Venezuela's dictatorship

Trump finds Fentanyl in Greenland

Living in the Matrix? Or just an international version of Risk?

US braced for war against US if it invades Greenland

Convincing fraudster poses as Prime Minister

Grok is testing boundaries, says Musk

Teenagers to be replaced by robots

Britain’s greatest unsolved mystery: men who wear shorts in winter

Mutiny over the Bounties - Man 'bewildered' by absence of treats

The Vegetarian Police vow to ‘get serious’ in January

Hangover cures, 2026 update

It will snow or go dark in the New Year

January Horoscopes, by Nasty Nancy

New Citizenship Test Questions

Avatar is a 4-hour opportunity to get to third-base

Wind farm owners told to try harder

AI will explain those Moon landings

Man realises life is a side quest

Reform Ltd to encourage Grift Aid

Rail regulator axes super-fast model railway service

Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!

Train manager entering 7th hour of continuous talking

Voyager One ‘probably not coming back’, admits NASA

Australian CEO who fleeced Thames water named as Immortan Joe

On the fifth strike of Xmas, my surgeon withheld from me...

Today's Christmas Card report

AI writed this headline: The future is now

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

Crystal Palace stripped of FA Cup

Sam Allardyce to Run Venezuela

Nigel Farage is the new 'Secret' Traitor

Honours system to be streamlined

How did England cricketers get drunk on awful Aussie lager?

Liz Truss to fight Anthony Joshua

TV execs defend decision to show man’s cognitive decline

Clacton pub removes "MPs not welcome" sign

US Department of Justice reveals more Tracy Island files

European Sport Contest to be launched