"This is our first positive TV raid" said a UKBA spokesman "others, like the one on Last of the Summer Wine were less successful although we did expose an assisted suicide ring for ageing actors but that was about it
But now our hunch that television executives have been masterminding the illegal immigration of thousands of people has been proven. Back in the 1970s we were suspicious of the Black and White Minstrel show and looking back, the concept of importing hundreds of Poles dressed as West Indians was brilliant, even we admit that. To the untrained eye they made them all look the same. But every week was a new batch, miming to Swannee bloody River and then off to Norfolk the next day.
A lack of concrete evidence prevented us from closing down Love Thy Neighbour as another immigration scam. We’re still watching that Rudolph Walker....
But now Cowell isn’t even disguising them, they're getting up on stage, telling the TV audience some sob-story about two dying mothers and when we come knocking the local community accuse us of being out and out Nazis. Which is wholly unfair as we are only BNP members.
Among those arrested today is the Grande Fromage himself, Mr Cowell, and a “Mrs Cole” who claims to be from Newcastle but none of our interpreters can understand her, so a deportation order is already being drafted. The Aussie bird had already done a bunk as had the little Irish fella. So we are concerned that we may have a mole
It’s TV’s Great Escape, we’ve busted the X-Factor, we are just about to do the same with Britain’s got Talent, another of Cowell’s TV escape tunnels, and our staff are now on the scent of the third tunnel which we believe to be somewhere in Chile but is certain to be on TV somewhere soon"