Britain’s professional and hobby horticulturist's are reported to be switching to alternative drugs after the sudden withdrawal of plant-fertilizer Mephadrone from shops and Internet sites.
The Government admitted to being "astonished" yesterday after an interim emergency report on the proposed effects of outlawing the drug responsible for the death of two teenagers might be widespread unrest and lawlessness as "several thousand" retired allotment owners would have to get on with gardening instead of sitting in the shed getting wasted.
"What's the world coming to ?" said Majorie Dobson, 73, whose husband Derek, 78, had been a Mephadrone user for as long as she could remember'. "No one honestly thought it was actually being used to fertilize plants did they ? I mean let’s be honest, your husband says 'Im just off to the shed for a few hours' every Saturday evening for the last 20 years, there's a dull thumping sound of rave music coming from the bottom of the garden and you get a nice night in with the girls. I mean where's the harm in that?”
The report mainly focused on the prospect of a mass turn to hard drugs by the mostly retired 'Mephadrone Man'. "There has already been increased reports of street corner dealing between hooded teenagers and men in their late 60's" reported Jack Straw yesterday, "though currently there seems to be a significant failure in the deals actually going down because the customer is hard of hearing and the dealer, trying to be inconspicuous, is reluctant to shout the price into their hearing aids."
An unlikely supporting voice has emerged from the British Vetinary Society, where regular use of the horse tranquillizer Ketamine is largely accepted. "I think it's outrageous" said Professor Tom Keeley, head of the BVS, today "I mean, if you took away the special K from our lot you might as well send the animals to a slaughter house instead of the vets. A little something before surgery, just to take the edge off, well it's the done thing, isn't it ? I mean its just part of the job...", at which point he promptly keeled over and fell asleep.