Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista
The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse. Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend sa
NewsBiscuit Car Review: The all new Keir Stormer
There were high expectations on this new model, in this case SiR Stormer. The build up to the launch was preceded by genuine positive expectations, however it turns out that this version is a bit of a let down, offering little joy and disappointing performance. The cost seems high for what it eventually delivered, and other competitors have already taken advantage of this. The longevity of it is already in question and it appears to depreciate at an alarming rate. On an uncha
Concern for all Dickensian-named Civil Servants after Morgan McSweeney is ousted
With the removal of Morgan McSweeney, it is not a good time to be a Dickensian named civil servant. Permanent Secretary Josiah Bounderby and Assistant Secretary Affery Flintwinch have been sidelined and rumours are that Anne Chickenstalker and Mortimer Lightwood are to be the next to go. Lady Honoria Dedlock, despite her connections will be replaced and Horatio Pricklesnitch is expected to be forced into early retirement. Because of their association with a known Mandelson, S
Disappointed your MP isn't named in the Epstein Files?
Don't worry, there's still three million emails, photos, snuff movies and unused rushes from the Melania movie to be released yet. And don't forget, most of the files released have swathes redacted, so your MP might feature in there already. There's only 650 or so MPs at any given time, so plenty of opportunity for them to star more than once, probably not as often as Nige, though. Mandy might look like a rank amateur by the time it's all finished. What is to say your imme
Starmer fires Lord Vader but finds it difficult to remove his title
Darth Vader appears to be reluctant to relinquish his tight, black leather grip on his title and finds Starmer’s lack of faith in him disturbing. The prime Minister made the following statement, “We knew of his ties to the disgraced Emperor, Darth Sidious, who wanted to establish absolute eternal rule over the galaxy, before we rehired him. However, Darth assured us, with a simple hand gesture and prompting phrase, that we should just move on. I feel deceived by him to be hon
Be sick on the rides in the Peter Mandelson theme park
Join the noble Lord Peter in his Prince of Darkness theme park in Islington, as he takes his country and party on a steep slide into the mud. Scream with disgust as you see him ride the vomit-inducing Gravy Train, the Kickback, the Double Cross, the Turncoat and the Sleazy Rider. Exit through the grift shop. image from pixabay www.newsbiscuit.com
Council plans annual black bin collections
West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s
Mandelson told vetting team he was mates with Einstein
Following an intense, dramatic and absolutely no-stone-unturned investigation in Downing Street, it has emerged that the Prime Minister’s elite high-level security vetting team simply believed everything Peter Mandelson told them, because he wore a nice suit. The inquiry was launched after Labour MPs raised concerns that the government’s vetting process appeared to involve asking candidates 'Are you dodgy?' A senior investigator explained how the process unfolded. 'It starte
Starmer fires Lord Vader, but finds it difficult to remove his title
Darth Vader appears to be reluctant to relinquish his tight, black leather grip on his title and finds Starmer’s lack of faith in him disturbing. The prime Minister made the following statement: 'We knew of his ties to the disgraced Emperor, Darth Sidious, who wanted to establish absolute eternal rule over the galaxy, before we rehired him. However, Darth assured us, with a simple hand gesture and prompting phrase, that we should just move on. I feel deceived by him to be h
Free STARMER QUITS! cut and paste headline for all our readers
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