Classic News:

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The News before it happens

Hunt on for alleged sex offender ousted from HMP Royal Lodge

"We issued express orders to staff at Royal Lodge to turf out this inmate and deport him to secure accommodation in our category C Sandringham establishment," said a spokes-sceptre for Buckingham Palace.

Jeremynh

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Nadine Dorries ‘hasn’t yet realised’ that men only pretended to find her fascinating

Political groupie and Brand Ambassador for vodka Nadine Dorries has decided to have ‘one last fling’ at becoming a Dame. Many thought her political career was over when she announced that she was leaving the House of Commons, though she bravely continued drawing the salary for a year so we wouldn’t feel abandoned.

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

A and E outsourcing trial 'successful' despite deaths

West Streeting today hailed his new trial of outsourcing of A and E patients as an unqualified success, apart from the deaths and medical complications.

writinbsl

Andrew relaunches career as rock star

In a move aides describe as “possibly even dafter than the Emily Maitlis interview”, the artist formerly known as Prince Andrew has decided to relaunch himself as a rock star.

eppursimuove

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 7th November

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

Owners of Cars with LED Lights Still Deny There is a Problem with Their Luminescence.

Winner: WritinginBSL Runners-Up: "Fleeing from the searchlights and hounds, Carruthers regretted accepting His Lordship's invite to the Hunt." (TonyMc); "Fugitive spotted on the Sandringham estate." (Dick Everyman)

A Must-See on the Grand Tour, the Leaning Stones of Clacton

Winner: TonyMc Runners-Up: "It wasn’t difficult to find the grave of Melchisédech Thévenot, the inventor of the spirit level." (Midfield Diamond); "The disturbed leaves indicate that the were-Thatcher walks amongst us once more." (Lockjaw) The Impressive Brevity Award Goes To: "Tombs stoned." (Dick Everyman)

Breaking News

Agreement at COP, after all countries which disagree stay away

Lady Spice

Prisoner due for release, released

Reeves to Tax Credulity

Patient leaving Homeopathic Hospital pays only 0.01% of bill

Alan Bates' cheque is in the post

`Legitimate' President Suluhu wins with 115 % of the vote

Experts say collapsed medieval tower WAS built in a day

Features

Horoscopes for November, by The Curmudgeon

Aries You will meet someone tomorrow that will change your life in a profound way. Or you could just pay that tax and everything will be back to normal. Taurus Unfortunately, the cat got at your charts so the reading has somewhat slewed. Watch out for hairballs, the wrong kind of litter and the smell of tuna. Keep working on that purr, and avoid mice at all times, no matter how tasty they may look. Gemini Using a fairground as a metaphor, your life, so far, Has been all swing

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Lammy orders review of security in prisons

How about supporting 'the People' rather than your rich mates, Trump?

Musk describes small town Brits as ‘Hobbits’

Making the pension go further

From the Archive

Criminals propose 'just scrapping' criminal justice system

Convicted criminals across the country have strongly suggested we should 'completely scrap' the criminal justice system. Ben, who...

‘A’ levels to be replaced by three-word slogans

For decades A Levels have been a rite of passage for ambitious teenagers, struggling over lists of facts, complex equations and the harsh...

COP26: A Delegate's Guide

Morning Queues What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a...

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Politics

Hunt on for alleged sex offender ousted from HMP Royal Lodge

Nadine Dorries ‘hasn’t yet realised’ that men only pretended to find her fascinating

A and E outsourcing trial 'successful' despite deaths

West Streeting today hailed his new trial of outsourcing of A and E patients as an unqualified success, apart from the deaths and medical complications.

Andrew relaunches career as rock star

In a move aides describe as “possibly even dafter than the Emily Maitlis interview”, the artist formerly known as Prince Andrew has decided to relaunch himself as a rock star.

NATO celebrates victory over Russia - again

Military chiefs have completed quite the contortion by patting themselves on the back while giving themselves a reach around.

No plans to stop giving Royals undeserved honours and titles

"We've stripped Andrew of about 20 titles and honours since 2022, including being Vice-Admiral of the Fleet, Colonel in Chief of several regiments and a member of the Most Honourable Order of the Garter," said a spokes-stooge for Buckingham Palace.

More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing ‘increasingly concerned’ about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants. ‘Is it too much to ask?’ a spokesman said.

Britain’s royalty now safely back to being a bunch of bores, says Palace

"The royal family have stripped their wayward relative of his titles and exiled him to obscurity in the maddeningly flat fastness of Norfolk," announced a spokes-flunkey for Buckingham Palace. "And having scuttled for cover by pretending he no longer exists, it is now their dearest wish to return to being a family of dull people with very boring thoughts and pursuits and nothing to say unless it has been written down for them to read out. "From time to time, mavericks crop up

China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

"It's the bigliest meeting ever in the history of bigly meetings," boasted Donald Trump on board Hot Air Force One. "I slashed the rates on all my tariffs on China and, in return, Mr Xi said he might stop refusing to sell us his rare earth metals. But he didn't actually agree to anything on paper because ironing out the details was too boring for me. "Then he said he might think about helping to end the war in Ukraine by maybe talking to Putin about it some time in the future

Following White House ballroom Trump unveils further US construction projects

Disbelief across the globe today as Donald Trump announced plans to have the iconic Statue Of Liberty demolished and replaced by a 500 foot towering effigy of himself in its place. Speaking in the Oval Office to a claque of handpicked brown-nosing sycophants masquerading as news reporters, Trump broke off from a phone call with Ukraine's President Zelensky to explain. 'Yeah, park the missiles schtick for a few minutes, Vlod, will you? I got a more pressing matter here.' 'Righ

Fast food chain’s ‘world menu’ not a success

A spokesman said, ‘Sales from our world menu promotion have, in truth, been disappointing. Our customers have expressed a strong preference for traditional British menu items like hamburgers, pizza slices and iced do-nuts with sprinkles. So, our world menu promotion is ending today.

Nation’s haunted ask ghosts to stop being dicks about it

Residents of the nation’s most haunted homes have come together to demand their ghosts stop being such dicks.

Britain’s royalty now safely back to being a bunch of bores, says Palace

MILFs in your area are NOT looking for you

In a wide ranging and extensive investigation, Newsbiscuit has concluded that, contrary to many emails, MILFs in your area are not looking for you, or indeed, anyone. After a flurry of mysterious and enticing emails, Newsbiscuit reporters decided to follow up on the promise of consequence-free, morally casual horizontal delights. We put to the test as to whether there was a cache of eager middle-aged women (we discounted DILFs and GILFs for this report) geographically near, s

Following White House ballroom Trump unveils further US construction projects

Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly

Reports emerging today suggest sales of the President Donald J Trump 2026 Calendar are 'sluggish', seemingly, with many dyed-in-the-wool MAGA cult members unwilling to make a date with it. Cletus Abernathy from Bona Venture Arkansas, who describes himself as a part-time, moronic and clueless village idiot, is one such devotee unwilling to part with the cool $2500 asking price. Speaking to Fox News he said: 'Mary Lou, my good lady, done told me she wanted a copy but I refused

Deported migrant got more than £500

Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today. The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500. Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff. 'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost

Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days

Leader of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, today attempted to double down on Reform MP Sarah Pochin's comments where she complained about adverts being 'full' of black and Asian people. "Well, I think she's right", he told reporters, "and it's plain to see that in every advert on British telly, these days. And if that is the case, where are the good old fashioned British racists in these adverts. If we have a mixed heritage family sharing a Domino's pizza in the park, I want to see a

Defendants claim President Macron is really a lowland gorilla

Ten people have gone on trial in Paris this week for claiming that the French President Emmanuel Macron is really a lowland silverback gorilla. Conspiracy theorists point to the bushiness of his opposable thumbs and the thickness of his eyebrows. A video of Macron using a straw to scrape out a yoghurt pot went viral after people said it was just like the famous video filmed by the late naturalist Jane Goodall which showed a silverback using a blade of grass to scoop out ants

One in, one out policy doesn’t apply to animals

The Home Office has confirmed that the one in, one out policy for asylum seekers will not apply to animals. A recent test case involved a foreign asylum seeker called Noah, who arrived in a small boat with lots of animals. Two of each kind of animal, in fact. Officials considered deporting some of the animals under the one in, one out policy, but lawyers advised that this could be considered inhumane. They considered deporting Noah, but they didn’t fancy looking after all th

Science
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Lifestyle

China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

Government miss 1.5million housing target by 1.6million

Nothing could hide the government's embarrassment, when they discovered they had less houses then when they started. The Minister explained. "Once we'd factored in all the repossessions and accidently demolishing a few, it turns out were missing around 100,000 – it's possible they might have ended up as landfill. "Coupled with the PM's houses being set on fire by Ukrainian male escorts – all whom Sir Keir has no knowledge of whatsoever, I cannot emphasize that enough. Once th

Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store. A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic. ‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British F

Betfred holds 7,500 hostages over tax freedom demands

Betfred are willing to dispose of thousands of innocent employees if the government fails to drop their massive, unrealistic, excessive tax on their massive, unrealistic, excessive profits. The terrorist leader, billionaire owner Fred, made demands on a news broadcast, saying they would have to get rid of the 7,500 hostages if the government implements their proposed gambling tax. 'We will 'retire' a hostage, every hour, on the hour, until our requirements are met. Once the

Swiftify launches featuring only Taylor Swift songs

New music streaming app Swiftify has launched, dedicated entirely to the music of Taylor Swift. Users can listen to songs from a vast library of albums - albeit most of them feature the same songs just with different cover art - and explore music from the many genres which Taylor has toyed with over her multi decade career. Swiftify Chief Exec Bradley Brady said, '90% of all music streams are of the top 1% of artistes, and 50% are of Taylor, probably. So we figured just cut

Cyber attack contingency plans should be put on paper.

People should plan for potential cyber-attacks by going back to pen and paper, according to the latest advice. The government has written to chief executives across the country strongly recommending that they should have physical copies of their plans at the ready as a precaution. In associated developments the government has reached out to the ursine community pointing out that visitors to the woods should ensure they take sufficient toilet paper to address the likely output

Dinosaur footprints lead to discovery of giant quarry

A giant quarry possibly as much as 30 years old has been discovered in Oxfordshire on the site of some dinosaur footprints. The quarry has been left intact and seems to have been used by trucks, diggers and tippers to remove limestone. "Once we level the dinosaur footprints we'll have a clearer view of just what we have found," said Emma Nichols from Oxford University's Museum of Natural Quarries. "It's certainly the biggest find of its kind in Europe." Story by: rogt Phot

Jeff Bezos: Saviour Of The World

The world has fallen prostrate at the feet of Amazon warehouse king, Jeff Bezos. Despite the best efforts of the police, various...

TitusScam Homeopathic Wellfullness Tablets

These are supplied - eventually - probably, and at additional cost - in the form of an empty box which used to contain the tablets. ...

Michelle Mone may be aware of £122 Million Gown Fraud verdict

PPE Medpro is to payback the £122,000,000 to the government for gown fraud. The agreement is to pay £100 a month for the next one million...

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police. "That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was. "We can be

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.' In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.' Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld. Lucife

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Becoming bored with flags, or flagging, Reform UK is pivoting to signs.

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

News from Corinthia today as adminstrators for the region check the post and discover yet another missive from St Paul. "Oh my God, it's...

Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

The all-out annihilation of Palestine - ideally accompanied by the death of all Palestinians - can now proceed with an active chorus of...

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever...

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month. Residents in an exclusive residential area in...

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey. “We’ve been aware for some...

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home. “50% of domestic fires start in...

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that...

Local News

Guy Fawkes ‘bitterly regrets’ starting it all

The ghost of Guy Fawkes has issued an apology for ‘all the f*cking fireworks’ and says that he would never have tried to blow up Parliament if he’d known about the centuries of shit bonfires and distraught pets.

MILFs in your area are NOT looking for you

Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days

Porridge reboot planned

TV executives are excited about a planned reboot of the iconic prison-based sitcom Porridge. They say that the format is even more relevant in 2025 and can include themes of spending cuts, early prisoner releases, and administrative incompetence. There is no news on casting, but we have obtained a first draft of the opening monologue: ‘Norman Stanley Kebatu, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habi

GB News to live stream small boat crossings

So-called news channel GB News is to live stream the arrival of asylum seekers at Dover in small boats. This second news channel, provisionally titled The English Channel, will broadcast live 24/7 and will supply highlights to the news channel. Refugee charities have agreed to allow cameras on their boats, to show the appalling conditions in which asylum seekers cross. 'It was a difficult call,' said the charities' spokesman. 'We know that Reform has a different agenda, but w

New series of Hunted to feature escaped criminals

With 262 prisoners released in error, the government has begged C4 to find them again. The new series will show understaffed prison guards leaving doors unlocked, while elite bounty hunters catch the criminals with large butterfly nets. There has been a 50% increase in accidental releases, which means no need for cakes baked with files in them. In fact, there are more criminals now living in the wild than beavers. Said one hunter: 'In theory these molestors and crooks could b

Claudia Winkleman's fringe to be listed

Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is to be listed and is to go on tour next year after Winkleman and her co-host Tess Daly leave Strictly Come Dancing. English Heritage confirmed that Winkleman’s fringe is being given Grade II listed status in honour of its “cultural status”. A spokesperson said: ‘Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is seen by millions of people every year. Granting it Grade II listed status saves it for the nation.’ The show’s producers said: ‘Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is

Reality show contestant completes task without panic

A contestant has completed a reality TV show challenge in good time with no last minute panic. Stunned viewers watched open-mouthed as Caroline Frodsham, a project manager from Stoke, completed the redecoration of a cake shop with an hour to spare and under budget. 'I simply worked back from the deadline and planned out the tasks to fit the budget,' said Ms Frodsham. 'The client initially wanted a very ambitious design, but we had a sensible and open discussion on what was

‘Shaun of the Dead’ sequel ‘Operation Raise the Colours’ hailed as a classic

Simon Pegg’s 2004 zombie spoof ‘Shaun of the Dead’ was an instant hit, but has been criticised for its treatment of zombies as one-dimensional characters with no autonomy, intellect or artistic sensibilities. His sequel, Operation Raise the Colours, features an even more devastating mass infection event with a twist: the zombies hoist flags on lampposts to mark their territory. ‘We wanted to show zombies as real characters, you know, with hopes and dreams and ladders and flag

Prince Andrew's new shock-jock podcast

An announcement today from the beleaguered Prince Andrew in that he will host a tell-all podcast called 'Stripped' where he will bear all in regard to his troubled history. He will be referred to in the podcast as Andy Windsor and will adopt a posh, shock-jock style. 'Yah, I'm really going to go there,' he said in a video announcement. 'I'm going to blow the lid of all the scandals that have been falsely pinned on me; we'll discuss all the things that keep us up at night, l

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Hunt on for alleged sex offender ousted from HMP Royal Lodge

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Nadine Dorries ‘hasn’t yet realised’ that men only pretended to find her fascinating

A and E outsourcing trial 'successful' despite deaths

Andrew relaunches career as rock star

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 7th November

Owners of Cars with LED Lights Still Deny There is a Problem with Their Luminescence.

A Must-See on the Grand Tour, the Leaning Stones of Clacton

Agreement at COP, after all countries which disagree stay away

Lady Spice

Prisoner due for release, released

Reeves to Tax Credulity

Patient leaving Homeopathic Hospital pays only 0.01% of bill

Alan Bates' cheque is in the post

`Legitimate' President Suluhu wins with 115 % of the vote

Experts say collapsed medieval tower WAS built in a day

Horoscopes for November, by The Curmudgeon

Lammy orders review of security in prisons

How about supporting 'the People' rather than your rich mates, Trump?

Musk describes small town Brits as ‘Hobbits’

Making the pension go further

Criminals propose 'just scrapping' criminal justice system

‘A’ levels to be replaced by three-word slogans

COP26: A Delegate's Guide

Our annual for 2021-22

Hunt on for alleged sex offender ousted from HMP Royal Lodge

Nadine Dorries ‘hasn’t yet realised’ that men only pretended to find her fascinating

A and E outsourcing trial 'successful' despite deaths

Andrew relaunches career as rock star

NATO celebrates victory over Russia - again

No plans to stop giving Royals undeserved honours and titles

More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Britain’s royalty now safely back to being a bunch of bores, says Palace

China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

Following White House ballroom Trump unveils further US construction projects

Fast food chain’s ‘world menu’ not a success

Nation’s haunted ask ghosts to stop being dicks about it

Britain’s royalty now safely back to being a bunch of bores, says Palace

MILFs in your area are NOT looking for you

Following White House ballroom Trump unveils further US construction projects

Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly

Deported migrant got more than £500

Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days

Defendants claim President Macron is really a lowland gorilla

One in, one out policy doesn’t apply to animals

China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

Government miss 1.5million housing target by 1.6million

Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

Betfred holds 7,500 hostages over tax freedom demands

Swiftify launches featuring only Taylor Swift songs

Cyber attack contingency plans should be put on paper.

Dinosaur footprints lead to discovery of giant quarry

Jeff Bezos: Saviour Of The World

TitusScam Homeopathic Wellfullness Tablets

Michelle Mone may be aware of £122 Million Gown Fraud verdict

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Guy Fawkes ‘bitterly regrets’ starting it all

MILFs in your area are NOT looking for you

Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days

Porridge reboot planned

GB News to live stream small boat crossings

New series of Hunted to feature escaped criminals

Claudia Winkleman's fringe to be listed

Reality show contestant completes task without panic

‘Shaun of the Dead’ sequel ‘Operation Raise the Colours’ hailed as a classic

Prince Andrew's new shock-jock podcast