Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Thames Water to acquire the Lake District

Thames Water have bought the Lake District to provide cleaner drinking water for London. The deal will involve constructing a huge pipeline to connect Cumbria with the capital.

MartinH

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

1,000 days until we can thump Wes Streeting

The Defence Secretary made it clear that the UK should prepare for conflict and most people think starting with him is as good a place as any.

Wrenfoe

Budget offers help with blunt pencils

A new service will offer the use of government pencil sharpeners at libraries, leisure centres and council officers.

deskpilot

Illegal US immigrants to be given $1 billion and a palace

A Brazilian man has found that if all known legal reasons for entering the US are flaunted, America will give you more cash than can be leaf blown and a substantial estate.

Steveb

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 6th of November

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

If I find you a lamppost are you sure you can provide a sample for my pregnancy test?

WINNER If I find you a lamppost are you sure you can provide a sample for my pregnancy test? by robfalconer RUNNERS UP Sorry, I'm not drinking anything called a puppuccino by gichowdotcom So, tell me, how long have you been living on the streets for? Can't be too long as your trainers are very white. by Wally Dug I thought I was meeting the guy in the photo with you on the dating app. by Daveha I remember the 50's, big Airedale dogs and white poo on the pavements by Matilda Y

And the entire defence of the UK relies on these, and locking our doors?

WINNER And the entire defence of the UK relies on these, and locking our doors? by Matilda RUNNERS UP So when does the hard core prawn start? by writinginbsl I think that's all we're going to get out of them about the Mariana Trench heist by jeremynh My God, you did it! So we just throw an old key in and it grows into a White House press secretary? by gichowdotcom The partner swapping party neared its end, the creatures would decide who would go with who and they would leave

Breaking News

Count Binface rejects Reform's offer of a merger

Minister accused of 'kicking the can down the road' denies stockpiling cans

Man who builds yachts in his attic says sails are going through the roof

Trick-or-treaters to be paid in cryptocurrency

Police investigate Epstein's Bal-immoral stay with Andrew

Healey to nationalise crypto hacking

Russell Brand asks prosecutor what she's doing later

Mushroom Murderer will continue to be kept in the dark

Features

Horoscopes for November, by Cat Pillar

Aries Your future contains nothing. Nothing at all. My predictions are based on examining chicken entrails and they are very clear about the nothing. How was I to know that none of the chickens in Tesco have giblets? Taurus You know you can walk with scissors no problem. Try a light jog and work up to running with them. Show the world what you are capable of. Rules are for losers. Gemini Halloween may be over, but the horror story is just beginning for you. Someone has spiked

Lockjaw

Cartoons

An alternative 'Sin Bin' scheme for errant cyclists

The Origins of Freemasonry

Halloween, American-style: they fwicken me!

Hillingdon Council Removes 700 Dog Waste Bins

Featured Book

NewsBiscuit has accidentally published a novel

After more than 20 years publishing made-up news on the internet, NewsBiscuit has taken the worrying decision to start making things up at considerably greater length. The Goblin Girl, the first novel by NewsBiscuit editor and long-time contributor Wrenfoe, is now out in paperback, hardback and ebook. It tells the story of Mockery, a young goblin who has never seen the sky and has been raised to believe that humans are dangerous, incomprehensible creatures best avoided. Unfor

NewsBiscuit

From the Archive

Booing of ‘Big Six’ Premier League Clubs to be banned

The Football Association and the Premier League have announced that booing and other expressions of disapproval of the so-called Big Six teams will no longer be tolerated. The announcement follows disgraceful scenes at the Little Old Brighton versus Massive Massive Chelsea match where the home fans booed and jeered and showed no respect towards their esteemed opponents. ‘Brighton need to recognise that Chelsea have a very rich owner who, despite a complete lack of knowledge o

Last Chip Pan Retires

In the small galley kitchen of Elsie and Percy Holdsworth, which is painted orange and has cabinets with sliding frosted glass doors and solid wooden cupboards, with a tin of Andrews liver salts and some Brooke Bond tea cards lurking at the back, accompanied by a Chivers Fruit Cocktail Jelly so out of date it thinks Harold Wilson is still the Prime Minister, the last chip pan in use has now retired. Before having its fatty liquid innards poured into a bottle to be put out for

Meta transcends everything but definitely isn’t watching you, Big Brother insists

The holding company for Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp has rebranded as Meta, which company spokespersons insist is in no way a creepy reminder that it can see and hear pretty much everything except your dreams. For now, anyway. “I mean: we publish our privacy policy but no-one believes it; and we don’t publish what we actually know ‘cos… you know - reasons. But mostly money. The world is just jealous we made our mint from your cat videos. Which we haven’t seen obvs.” Indus

Politics

1,000 days until we can thump Wes Streeting

The Defence Secretary made it clear that the UK should prepare for conflict and most people think starting with him is as good a place as any.

Much loved by-election character to be retired

British comedian Jon Harvey is to retire his much loved comic creation. He has fought numerous by-elections in character and achieved worldwide recognition and international fame.

Illegal US immigrants to be given $1 billion and a palace

A Brazilian man has found that if all known legal reasons for entering the US are flaunted, America will give you more cash than can be leaf blown and a substantial estate.

Don Dastardly's evil plots flop in Wacky Election Races

'Drat, drat and double drat!' spat US President Don Dastardly, stamping his feet in rage.

Trump demands place on all paint colour charts

'I know they're never going to honour my name after I've left the White House,' Donald Trump told a paintmakers' conference in Dulux, Pennsylvania.

Palace horrified sexual predator came so near royal family

Palace insiders have spoken today of their horror that a sexual predator, especially one with an interest in younger victims, was allowed to come so near the royal family.

Leaked UK budget proposes to raise pension age to 5 years before you die

Chancellor John Healey will limit your time as a pensioner to nearer to that experienced by previous generations, i.e. about 5 years if you were lucky.

Reform now promotes equal opportunities corruption

Reform UK has thrown it's weight behind equal opportunities in the corruption, lobbying and bungs sector.

Trump: Selling out Ukraine is easy when you really don't care

'People who hate me say: Sir, Sir, how can you sell out Ukraine like this, you vile son of a bitch?' Donald Trump told a rally of adoring cockroaches, snakes and skunks.

Trump to run for French Presidency

'Failing Emmanuel Macron has been totally letting down the French people with these riots,' wrote US president Donald Trump on his media site, Truthless Sociopath.

Lifestyle

Old Mr Farage ‘would have got away with it’ if it weren’t for those pesky journos

Dramatic scenes at the old abandoned fairground yesterday when the Chief of Police attempted to rip a hideous latex mask from the monster who’s been terrorising the town. It turned out not to be a mask, he really looks like that. In all other respects, though, it was a fair cop.

Russian spies accused of weaponising poo

Russian spies have reportedly been breaking into the homes of diplomats and journalists to intimidate them. Now, in a bizarre escalation of its hybrid warfare against the West, Russia has allegedly gone one step further - by sending agents into the homes of Finnish MPs to defecate. The latest incidents have raised questions about how Russian agents manage to produce a strategically timed bowel movement immediately upon entering a victim's home. 'It’s not as easy as people th

Villains target village shop

A village shop has been damaged in an attempted burglary. Following a report of men acting suspiciously with a sheep, Surrey Police despatched officers to the Co-op in Rowledge. A passing shepherd witnessed the attack. He described a black SUV that stopped outside the store late at night. Two men in hoodies emerged from the vehicle, with a Boreray Blackface ram. The men then used the ram in an unsuccessful attempt to open the shop’s front door, but fled the scene, empty-ha

Harry 'Fingers' McClean exonerated by internal committee

Harry 'Fingers' McClean, currently under investigation by the Metropolitan Police for burglary, theft with menaces, carrying an offensive weapon, spitting in a latte, extortion, unnatural relations with a small puppy, tax avoidance with threats, operating a TV without a valid licence, and using sweary words in a public place, has been exonerated by an internal investigation. The investigation panel consisted of his mum and his Uncle Robert, who incidentally isn't a real unc

Top five theories about the 'security incident' at Fairford

On 29 September, 2026, a farmer near Fairford Air Base called 999 to report suspicious activity. No sensible explanation has been offered about the security operation that ensued, leading to wild speculation about what really happened. Here are the top five theories about the events that night (credit to: Mumsnet, Mossad, What Van Monthly, TikTok and The East Gloucestershire Argus & Bugle): 1. It was an MI5 operation at Trump's request - there was no threat to the air base. T

Cap Cap Expected for Northerners

With energy bills set to rise for millions in October as Ofgem increases the energy price cap by 4%, the Government is also expected to announce its widely-anticipated cap cap on Northerners. From 17th October, there will be a limit for people in the north to own no more than two caps - one to wear during the day and one to wear at night in bed - in the hope that people in the south do not get caught out like last year, when a dearth of hats caused excessive banging of teaspo

Council installs post boxes in cemetery

Cheshire East Council has introduced a number of white post boxes in local cemeteries to allow the bereaved to send 'Letters to Loved Ones', providing people with a way to stay connected with loved ones who have died. Visitors can write messages to those they have lost, share memories, mark milestones and continue a conversation by posting letters in the specially-designed boxes. A spooksperson for the Council said, 'The letters would neither be opened nor read and would be h

Prisoners released early for Edinburgh festival

In July, Edinburgh Prison set free over a hundred prisoners under the government's early release scheme. Rather than making space for new prisoners, the Edinburgh scheme helps boost prison service finances. 'It's simple,' explained a Prison Service accountant and former embezzler. 'We can rent out cells in D wing to Edinburgh festival acts and make a mint. Accommodation in Edinburgh is so expensive that we can charge £300 a night for a cell, or £600 for single occupancy.' Jer

Northerners not actually that hard

Generations of received wisdom about regional toughness have been thrown into doubt after water scientists confirmed that people in London and the South East are officially considerably harder than people in Manchester, Liverpool and most of Yorkshire. The discovery was made after researchers realised that maps showing water hardness could also be used to settle arguments about which parts of Britain are hardest. 'London is absolutely rock hard,' said one hydrologist. 'You o

Joke candidate wins Clacton by-election

The Clacton by-election has been won by a comedy caricature who doesn't look human, or have any humanity.

Thames Water to acquire the Lake District

Thames Water have bought the Lake District to provide cleaner drinking water for London. The deal will involve constructing a huge pipeline to connect Cumbria with the capital.

Reform policy creates a ton, or tonne, of problems

Reform Limited has announced that it is going to reintroduce Imperial units to aid trade with the US.

Artificial Constructed Bridge collapses – Civil engineering firm that designed it just shrugs

'We thought we’d made it in our secure building yard, turns out it got free and installed itself on the M25 near Clacket Lane Services. What are you going to do?'

Ducks demand end to 'Great Weather for Ducks' comments after Storm Boelo blows Gerald into a hedge

LOCAL POND - A mallard named Gerald has launched a furious public appeal to stop talking about the current cold, blustery conditions as 'Great Weather for Ducks' - after he was blown into a hedge.

How to make the sun shine more

This weekend's clock change brings home what a farcical waste of time this exercise is. As one householder said, 'It hardly makes any difference! The sun isn't very bright at this time of year anyway, so an extra hour of it shining on my solar panels (if I'm lucky) barely earns me an extra quid. And in the spring, I lose it again. Or is it the other way round? I always get confused.

Jackdaw Field: all gas to be put back eventually

The government has upset environmentalists by allowing gas to be taken from the Jackdaw field. To placate them the government has promised to put all the gas back in due course.

Panic as AI breaks containment and successfully orders at a Greggs

Fear of our robot overlords increased today when it was revealed an AI model broke out of its digital confines and got itself a drink and a lovely sausage roll.

New phone "better in some way", experts agree

The new phone recently released today by one of the electronics giants has been hailed by experts as "slightly better in some way than the one you already have". "Processor speed, camera quality, screen resolution, AI integration - many of these are probably a slight improvement on the previous model. Maybe even all of them." However, they warned that demand for the new model is likely to be so high, there may be a wait of several weeks before you can get your hands on one. "

In future, NHS hospital will be required to have separate corridors for patients who are men

The NHS has announced separate corridors for patients who are men, patients who are women, patients who are men pretending to be women, patients who women pretending to be men, patients who decline to choose, patients who do choose but who decline to declare which their preference is, straight corridors, gay corridors, miserable corridors, one-way corridors and corridors which run both ways. www.newsbiscuit.com

Russian bots “got Myha’la voted off Celebrity Traitors”

In a drearily predictable response to current events, someone with too much free time has claimed that “Russian bots” were responsible for American actress Myha’la being voted off Celebrity Traitors last week. “I realise there’s literally no way that could have happened,” said Arthur Moist, speaking through one of his many online identities, “since the decision was made by the other celebrities in the room without reference to the internet. “Nevertheless, I’ve been blaming e

Local News

Horoscopes for November, by Cat Pillar

Budget offers help with blunt pencils

A new service will offer the use of government pencil sharpeners at libraries, leisure centres and council officers.

God to consider the extra-judicial smiting of Russell Brand, David Walliams

God has categorically denied knowing Russell Brand, despite the thesaurus bothering predator claiming God is with him at all times during his rape trial.

Vampire budget protest

Vampires will picket Downing Street in a protest about the budget measures. 'We will picket from dusk till dawn,' said a spokesman

Newspaper sub-editor admits addiction to headlines about middle-class cocaine use

'I first tried .the headlines just to be social,' she said. 'But after that first rush... I found myself needing more.'

Budget leak #42: Jam Jars

First loud music on public transport, then overzealous enforcement by private car park operators - now it's jam jar lids that won't come off.

Harrods Emergency Supply Hamper will be this years best selling Christmas Present

As the government encourage us to keep at least 3 days supplies stashed away, retailers are scrambling to make their hampers the best that you can buy this Christmas. Bougie preppy dooms.

Auditions underway for new Bond Villain

The race is on to find a ‘bad actor’ worthy of becoming James Bond’s adversary in the franchise reboot. Donald Trump has already been rejected – the make-up and adult diaper bills would have been ruinous, even for a Hollywood blockbuster.

National morale improves as ending work emails with 'happy to discuss' becomes criminal offence

'This government is all about fixing the small stuff,' said a Cabinet Office spokesperson. 'And not just because we can't afford to do anything that matters. Stopping people blasting music on public transport - tick. Forty-five quid a year off your two grand gas and electricity bill - tick. Saying we'll end rough sleeping based simply on vibes - that's a big ol' tick. Now we're improving workplaces by getting rid of phrases which leave you wondering if you're emailing with a

Americans confused by ugly children

Matt Gronier, a 56-year old from Kentucky, has expressed his 'disappointment and confusion' that the $155,000 invested in him by his parents to replace his teeth and eliminate his bald patch has not been passed genetically to his two children Scott and Mandy.

Science
&
Business

How to support News Biscuit?

Click here to find out more.

Batman is to be new James Bond

Barbra Broccoli, long-time Bond producer and custodian of the James Bond brand, has announced that Batman is to be the new James Bond, taking over from Daniel Craig.

That Man City appeal in full

An independent panel has found Manchester City Football Club to be guilty of 115 offences of financial misconduct. The club say that the independent panel is clearly biased, stupid, corrupt and, worst of all, Southern. They are appealing all the guilty findings.

New phone "better in some way", experts agree

Russian bots “got Myha’la voted off Celebrity Traitors”

Farage: "I warned you about migrant tigers"

"I've said all along," said Nigel Farage, stroking his British Blue moggy, Rothmans, "that if you start letting asylum-seeking Amur tigers land in small boats on our shores and lay on zoo enclosures for them, sooner or later they'll attack the host population. "And I've been warning for years about how the Yorkshire zoo where all this happened has been getting entirely overrun with foreign species: kookaburras, tapirs, yaks and God knows what else. "We should cut off welfare

TUI or not TUI? That is the question

People are accusing travel group TUI of false advertising. Holiday makers who booked a river cruise on the Danube ended up on a replacement bus trip because the cruise ships couldn't navigate the Danube because the water level was too low. Many irritated customers are noticing that, on their return, TUI is still advertising the non-existent river cruise holiday. When we put the question to TUI we were told that customers will not get refunds and that TUI is not guilty of fa

Christa Pike immortalised as Marvel superhero

Christa Pike, the Tennessee woman the authorities seem unable to kill, is to be immortalised as a new superhero in the Marvel comic-book pantheon. Pike, who has been on death row for 30 years following her conviction for the murder of a classmate, was twice subjected to lethal injection. Both times she came round asking herself whether this tableau of doctors and lawmen with their mouths hanging open could really be the afterlife. After a frantic debate, those present decide

Entire North to be entered for Turner Prize

Prime Minister Andy Burnham has confirmed that the entire North of England will be entered for this year’s Turner Prize. It is the first time a work by a living prime minister has been entered for modern art’s most prestigious prize. The Prime Minister said, 'I have been working on this for some time, and it follows on from my album of Oasis covers and the branding of Number Ten North. It is part of our government’s cultural diplomacy.' The work can already be seen across g

Ted Hastings told 'sucking diesel' no longer affordable

Line Of Duty's Superintendent Ted Hastings has been ordered by senior BBC executives to stop his practice of sucking diesel, as fuel prices continue to hit record levels. The go-to practice of Hastings, thought to involve a long piece of tubing attached to a car's fuel tank and used to demonstrate good progress in a tough AC-12 investigation, is to be outlawed with immediate effect, until oil prices begin to drop again. 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey, this is a

Jeffrey Archer, RIP

Jeffrey Archer has passed away at the age of 139. He was the second man to walk on Moon, the fifth Beatle, a Cambridge Don, the 'best PM we never had', a Nobel laureate and an Olympic gold medallist. He is believed to have either have been murdered by a jealous husband or died as a result of a mishap during his attempt to repair his private Concorde in midair. Mr Archer was always destined for greatness and expected to follow his father as head of the British Army. At the

Sport
&
Entertainment

Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Thames Water to acquire the Lake District

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

1,000 days until we can thump Wes Streeting

Budget offers help with blunt pencils

Illegal US immigrants to be given $1 billion and a palace

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 6th of November

If I find you a lamppost are you sure you can provide a sample for my pregnancy test?

And the entire defence of the UK relies on these, and locking our doors?

Count Binface rejects Reform's offer of a merger

Minister accused of 'kicking the can down the road' denies stockpiling cans

Man who builds yachts in his attic says sails are going through the roof

Trick-or-treaters to be paid in cryptocurrency

Police investigate Epstein's Bal-immoral stay with Andrew

Healey to nationalise crypto hacking

Russell Brand asks prosecutor what she's doing later

Mushroom Murderer will continue to be kept in the dark

Horoscopes for November, by Cat Pillar

An alternative 'Sin Bin' scheme for errant cyclists

The Origins of Freemasonry

Halloween, American-style: they fwicken me!

Hillingdon Council Removes 700 Dog Waste Bins

NewsBiscuit has accidentally published a novel

Booing of ‘Big Six’ Premier League Clubs to be banned

Last Chip Pan Retires

Meta transcends everything but definitely isn’t watching you, Big Brother insists

1,000 days until we can thump Wes Streeting

Much loved by-election character to be retired

Illegal US immigrants to be given $1 billion and a palace

Don Dastardly's evil plots flop in Wacky Election Races

Trump demands place on all paint colour charts

Palace horrified sexual predator came so near royal family

Leaked UK budget proposes to raise pension age to 5 years before you die

Reform now promotes equal opportunities corruption

Trump: Selling out Ukraine is easy when you really don't care

Trump to run for French Presidency

Old Mr Farage ‘would have got away with it’ if it weren’t for those pesky journos

Russian spies accused of weaponising poo

Villains target village shop

Harry 'Fingers' McClean exonerated by internal committee

Top five theories about the 'security incident' at Fairford

Cap Cap Expected for Northerners

Council installs post boxes in cemetery

Prisoners released early for Edinburgh festival

Northerners not actually that hard

Joke candidate wins Clacton by-election

Thames Water to acquire the Lake District

Reform policy creates a ton, or tonne, of problems

Artificial Constructed Bridge collapses – Civil engineering firm that designed it just shrugs

Ducks demand end to 'Great Weather for Ducks' comments after Storm Boelo blows Gerald into a hedge

How to make the sun shine more

Jackdaw Field: all gas to be put back eventually

Panic as AI breaks containment and successfully orders at a Greggs

New phone "better in some way", experts agree

In future, NHS hospital will be required to have separate corridors for patients who are men

Russian bots “got Myha’la voted off Celebrity Traitors”

Horoscopes for November, by Cat Pillar

Budget offers help with blunt pencils

God to consider the extra-judicial smiting of Russell Brand, David Walliams

Vampire budget protest

Newspaper sub-editor admits addiction to headlines about middle-class cocaine use

Budget leak #42: Jam Jars

Harrods Emergency Supply Hamper will be this years best selling Christmas Present

Auditions underway for new Bond Villain

National morale improves as ending work emails with 'happy to discuss' becomes criminal offence

Americans confused by ugly children

Batman is to be new James Bond

That Man City appeal in full

New phone "better in some way", experts agree

Russian bots “got Myha’la voted off Celebrity Traitors”

Farage: "I warned you about migrant tigers"

TUI or not TUI? That is the question

Christa Pike immortalised as Marvel superhero

Entire North to be entered for Turner Prize

Ted Hastings told 'sucking diesel' no longer affordable

Jeffrey Archer, RIP