Trump vows to repair well-oiled machine
A meticulously-maintained machine is the new target of US President Donald Trump and his mission to make everything better. According to the White House, President Trump will fix the model of reliability so that it’s the most reliable machine ever seen, whereas President Barack HUSSEIN Obama only made the machine operate like clockwork. Under the same policy, clocks that work like clockwork will also be mended. There is reportedly no need to invite any qualified organisations
Britons warned about new scam
Experts are warning Britons about a sophisticated new scam. The scam is devastating because the financial consequences are severe for everyone, but the full impact doesn’t become clear until it’s far too late. ‘We’re called it super-bait’n’switch,’ said an infeasibly young so-called scamspert. ‘We want to tell everyone about it so that they can recognise the signs and avoid getting ripped off. ‘Here’s how the scam works. Leader A gets elected on an agreed manifesto, that ha
Trump confirms that the most beautiful photograph ever
that Italian leader Merloni begged be taken of them together was taken on board the Flying Dutchman, crewed by unicorns, on 19th June as they sailed through the Strait of Hormuz, carrying a cargo of invisible moonbeams to Mars. The veracity of this assertion has been immediately and irrefutably confirmed by the US president's description of it as 'FACT', evidence which as been totally accepted by the world's entire news media. Image: fotografierende - Pixabay www.newsbiscu
Sky News Helicopter Cheaper Than Train Fare
Critics of Sky News's decision follow Andy Burnham's so-called "coronation procession" from Manchester to London on the West Coast Main Line with a helicopter have backed down after the channel pointed out that chartering the rotor-craft cost less than buying two walk-up singles for the 10.55 departure from Manchester Piccadilly. "Of course we wanted to be on the train," said correspondent Bea Ching. "We felt the public needed to know important things: is he a latte or cappu
Calls for Burnham to Quit
After a disastrous first 14 minutes as Prime Minister (Designate) voices within the Labour Party are beginning to say that it may be time for Andy Burnham to go. The last quarter (of an hour), in which very little actual change has been perceived in the country, has seen his poll ratings flatline, and the sense that 'Britain is broken' lingers with the electorate. In all this time as leader (designate) he has only made two public statements, and none of these have addressed t
Ring bemoans lack of hats being thrown into it
A Westminster based ring has complained about the severe lack of hats being thrown into it, it has been confirmed. Ringo Tsar, 35, a 24-inch diameter composite metal ring with silver plating cut a dejected figure outside 10 Downing Street this afternoon, as it became increasingly clear that there were unlikely to be a procession of head-covering objects being thrust in his general direction. 'Times have never been as tough in this game as they are now', noted Tsar sadly. 'Wh
UK ready for next Village Idiot
As Keir Starmer prepares to resign, the nation eagerly awaits the next numbskull to be outsmarted by a stapler. Said one voter, ‘It’s like waiting for Christmas, where all your parcels conceal a shiny turd. Will be it be Wes Streeting, will it be Andy Burnham, who knows, who cares, whoever it is will be will treat the welfare of the nation like optional side quests.’ The new PM will need to harness Starmer’s electrifying energy of a man trying to push a pull door for three fu
USA forced into peace deal with algae in Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool
After an Apache AH-64 crashed into the Washington Monument whilst strafing the algae with it’s 30mm chain cannon, the USA agreed to a cease fire and reparations to the algae in the Reflecting Pool. ICE Agents had initially been instructed to detain and then send the menace back to Algeria. After repeated attempts to cuff the algae and beat it with truncheons, ICE had to retreat when agents electrocuted themselves whilst trying to TASER some of the unicellular organisms. A SWA
Starmer's resignation speech leaked to the press
With the curtain coming down on his premiership, Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Sir Keir Starmer is said to be outraged that his resignation speech has been leaked to the press, as they may necessitate a delay in the resignation as he prepares a replacement. Downing Street sources meanwhile are disputing the authenticity of the speech. But they would, wouldn't they? The speech in full is reproduced below. 'It has been a great honour to be Prime Minister of this grea
"Join us, Keir!" say sloths. "The humans don't deserve you"
The South American rainforest-based Kingdom of Three-Toed Sloths has invited Sir Keir Starmer to head up their government. "Looking around the other world leaders," drawled a spokes-sloth, "we found them just too fast and frantic - always in a hurry to try and fix things with their countries. "Sir Keir is much more our speed. When the UK's defence chiefs said they desperately needed money right now to re-arm against Russia, he told them they could have a little bit more in tw
