In a surprising development Gok Wan has today delivered a blistering attack on the Afghan insurgents, calling them ‘massively schlumpy’.
“As if our poor boys don’t have it hard enough,” he said, “but being killed by someone in a goat’s bed sheet is just insulting. Smarten up people!”
He went on to criticise improvised explosive devices and snipers as being: “Well, basically a bit lazy. Why should someone just roll out of bed or cave or whatever and head off to massacre our soldiers without putting any thought into what they’re wearing? Put some effort in girlfriend, make yourself fabulous!”
His litany of complaints included headscarf hair – ‘not sexy!’, dusty sandals made from tyres - ‘what’s wrong with Birkenstocks?’ and AK74s – ‘so last year, baby’. He concluded his speech to the UN Security Council by offering his services to insurgent forces.
His comments have found favour with Air Chief Marshall Sir Jock Stirrup, who has been campaigning for a formal dress code to be included as part of the negotiations with insurgents.
Abu Atta Al-Qurayshi, an insurgent leader, said “Gok Wan is a Western infidel fashion puppet who just wants to get his hands on our desert-lean Afghan hotties. We’ll show him what bangers really are.”