London, 23 March 2011: Stephen Byers began his prison sentence for corruption today by boasting that he "Has exclusive access to the Guv'nor and can obtain significant quantities of snout and Jimmies not normally accessible to ordinary prisoners."
Byers also claimed to fellow inmates that "He knows most of the screws and can make sure of receiving advance notice of a visit by the dedicated search team."
Byers was said to be "Looking forward to spending his 10 year stretch with so many former colleagues and friends such as Geoff, Patricia, Margaret and John" adding "It's a pity that Neil Hamilton and Jonathan Aitken have already been released on jam-roll as they are particulrly good chess players just like myself."
Byers confirmed that he a special dispensation to enjoy fine cuisine and wines throughout his sentence and was confident of converting to Bhuddism to secure an early release.
Byers concluded his interview by saying that "He was looking forward to helping the other inmates and that he was likely to be a most popular prisoner. Anyway I need to go now to have my first shower."