After years of repeatedly claiming to his wife and sons that he was not, as they seemed to believe, ‘made of money’, a West Midlands man has undergone a series of genetic tests to obtain conclusive proof.
Mike Whitehouse, a local authority buildings inspector, contacted the Human Genetics Centre in Birmingham who ran the tests over a three-day period. Head of the centre Dr Rebecca Irvine said, “I’ve seen the DNA data myself, and I can verify that among the usual ACGT sequences there is not a single pound, dollar, euro or yen symbol as one would expect to see in a person whose physiology consisted entirely of currency.”
Detailed cellular analysis and an exploratory MRI scan were also used to detect the presence of the telltale signs that categorize British legal tender; such as a watermark, or a metallic strip running from head to toe. Both tests also proved negative.
Commenting on the results, Mr Whitehouse expressed his hopes that husbands around the country would no longer ‘be treated like walking wallets’ during shopping trips.
In a further revelation, the centre’s work also supported Mr Whitehouse’s regular assertion to his wife that he ‘wasn’t born yesterday’. “Sophisticated radiocarbon dating and a quick glimpse at his medical records both point to a date of December 3rd, 1947.” explained Dr Irvine. “This puts him in his early sixties. It also makes him a Sagittarius.”
In a separate endeavour, Mr Whitehouse is currently awaiting a report from the Department of Work and Pensions that he hopes will confirm his declaration to his sons that he is “not a bloody taxi service”.