'I miss the Russian bots' says last remaining human on Twitter
X, it turns out, very much marks the spot, as Ukraine has hilariously started bombing some Russian bot farms, with the US mid term elections only weeks away. Twitter in particular is now a ghost town and whilst its virtual saloon doors swing silently, Elon Musk was seen ordering a lackey to weep on his behalf, into a handkerchief made of million dollar bills and hatred. Right wing nut jobs now find their racist ravings generate mysteriously little online engagement, particula
Farage: "I warned you about migrant tigers"
"I've said all along," said Nigel Farage, stroking his British Blue moggy, Rothmans, "that if you start letting asylum-seeking Amur tigers land in small boats on our shores and lay on zoo enclosures for them, sooner or later they'll attack the host population. "And I've been warning for years about how the Yorkshire zoo where all this happened has been getting entirely overrun with foreign species: kookaburras, tapirs, yaks and God knows what else. "We should cut off welfare
Trump hands Putin a win-win
Donald Trump’s desperate deal to get diesel prices down is a dismal disaster. Vladimir Putin can hardly believe his luck. Donald’s deal is to buy diesel from Russia, to bring down prices in the US and to save the Republicans from mid-term election wipe-out. This is good news for Vlad, as he gets to sell fuel to fund his war machine and because it makes Trump look like a loser. Even better, Donald’s deal hasn’t even touched the price of diesel, which is still going up. This m
Netflix to launch Deathflix live execution channel
Netflix has signed a deal with the US government to broadcast all future executions live on a dedicated new channel to be called Deathflix. The executions will take place during Super Bowl weekend to maximise advertising revenue. “Me and ‘pistol’ Pete [Pete Hegseth, Donald Trump’s Secretary of Carnage] have been discussing this for some time,” President Trump said, “and it’s going be beautiful, really beautiful.” The first execution will be of former US Army Major Nidal Hasan
Tories propose new "sap tax" to fund inheritance tax cut
"The big thing about Kemi is that she really thinks through her genius policy decisions," lied a spokes-Pinnochio for the Conservative Party. "So we wondered on her behalf how we would make up the revenue lost in removing inheritance tax on homes and we came up with a revolutionary new 'sap tax'. "This is a tax levied specifically on kind-hearted saps who do things like tip cabbies, hand wallets full of money into the police and fill out tax return forms without inventing a w
Zia Yusuf horrified that some people are from abroad
Senior Reform figure Zia Yusuf has expressed his horror at discovering that some people currently in Britain are from abroad. Specifically, he said he was concerned about Sagal Abdi-Wali, the Somali-born candidate he said was being “foisted” on the people of Holborn by Labour. His tweet ended “Do you understand what’s happening?”, a question he later elaborated on in discussion with party workers. “Everywhere you look, you see people who aren’t from here,” he lamented. “And h
King pays Andrew's Pizza Express bills
King Charles has paid a six figure sum to clear Andrew's Pizza Express bills for the last twenty years. Andrew claims that the pizzas were all free, as he was a royal and also a brand ambassador. He says he provided invaluable publicity for the pizza chain as he always used them as his alibi when he couldn't reveal his real location. A spokesperson claiming to represent Pizza Express said that they were grateful to the king for clearing the delinquent's account and that they
Zack Polanski needs bodyguards 'to protect him from himself'
Green Party leader Zack Polanski has been assigned a team of bodyguards who will accompany him at all times. The passing of the motion that “Zionism equals racism” means that the Green Party is no longer a safe space for Jews - not even its leader. The bodyguards have instructions to look out for Polanski launching any surprise attacks against himself, especially since 'that’s just the kind of sneaky thing Jews would do.' Polanski himself says he didn’t ask for this extra pr
B52s needed to protect the voting booths
President Trump has denied that the US Air Force has been spooked by three Transit vans and five guys syphoning petrol. The relocation of the B52 bomber fleet is more to do with illegal voting than being scared of Iran. Honestly. 'Iran isn't an issue for the United States,' he said today, 'but illegal voting is.' There is little, if any, evidence of meaningful voting crime in the US, and the President thinks dropping nuclear bomb on potential Democrat voting queues would c
Mid-term madness?
There are less than thirty days to the US mid-term elections. The polls look very bad for Donald Trump, so he’ll need to put in an unbelievable performance to turn things around. Here are our best predictions of what you can expect... Trump tries to shout down the price of oil, again Trump offers to arm Argentina so that they can take back Las Malvinas on condition that they are renamed The American Islands and that the US gets all the oil Millions of dollars are spent on soc
