Doctors confirmed yesterday what expectant mothers knew all along, that the odd bottle of wine here and there won’t do the little fella any harm .
A study measuring the effects of alcohol on unborn children entitled “Drink ‘Til You Drop”’ led by University College London, revealed that light to moderate drinking has little detrimental effect on the baby’s brain which experts say at that point is probably about the size of an acorn. And as pregnant mothers were quick to point out – it all depends on what you mean by light to moderate drinking.
Indeed, by as little as twelve weeks into the pregnancy, research suggests that the alcohol recognition skills of the average British foetus far outstrip those of its counterparts on the continent, with homegrown embryos already in a position to suss whether they are being given cheap shit own brand ‘Chardonnay’ from Asda.
The findings are based on an experiment in which foetuses were separated into groups and plied with alcohol of varying quality and strength via their mothers with the results sampled many years later when they had grown into fully fledged adults.
Group A were given a nice Sauvignon which had not been purchased at a some ghastly supermarket, rather at a local independent wine retailer who had time on his hands to give the customer useful well-informed advice about shit like acidity and soil.
Group B drank a Blossom Hill Chardonnay costing £3-99, complete with a tacky picture of a vineyard on the label and the instruction ‘Serve with Fish’ which wasn’t even in French. Group C was a “control” where the unfortunate embryos had to go a full nine months without a drink.
Scientists then sat back and watched the initial effects of the experiment using ultrasound. The results were staggering. Those in Group A ceased to engage in routine foetus activity and appeared relaxed and “contemplative”. One even seemed to give a thumbs up to the monitor although it may have been an attempt to suck it. Foetuses in B looked edgy and frequently indulged in mock fighting with an invisible assailant, often pausing only to vomit into the amniotic sac, while those in Group C just looked bored.
Observation taken many years later suggest these behaviours have become hardwired. Group A adults were given to throwing dinner parties where they would invite ‘friends’, and these rarely included the kind of people that comprised Group B. Meanwhile, the children of teetotalers invariably found themselves ill-equipped to deal with the challenging situations often thrown up by alcohol such as initiating a dispute in a taxi-rank and being prepared to back yourself up with the threat of physical violence, if necessary.
Professor Stanley Langthorne, who headed the study, said that while the results gave an apparent green light to pregnant mums seeking the tiniest excuse to get totally shit-faced, he would advise restraint especially with regard to the trend towards alcopops .
‘While drinks such as Bacardi Breezer and WKD offer a quick and effective way for young mothers-to-be to get absolutely monged of a Friday night, they are crammed with harmful additives and colouring, ‘ he cautioned, adding:
‘As a foetus, they are possibly the worst things you can drink’