Tory delegates gathered in Birmingham this week have been sporting a variety of colour-coded bracelets on their wrists as a way of signalling to fellow conservatives just how far they’ve gone in the sack with another human being or item of locally-sourced fresh fruit.
Shag bands mark the latest attempt by Conservatives to shrug off the fusty image of yesteryear and cast themselves as a modern progressive party that likes to sleep around a lot. Hotly discussed in the coming days will be the impending cuts to Child Benefit, the devolution of power to local communities and whether the pink one stands for oral or ‘tops and fingers’.
And raising eyebrows last night was Strictly Come Dancing star, Ann Widdecombe, resplendent in an orange bracelet, assumed by many to be a Make Poverty History wristband, but, as Widdecombe later revealed, was in proud recognition of the time she tossed a philosophy student into a hedge during her studies at Oxford. Marcus Bradbury later received a distinction for his dissertation "Schopenhauer: Visionary or Mad Bastard?"
Meanwhile, William Hague in a rousing speech to delegates sought to distant himself
from John Major's Back to Basics era insisting Conservatives had been wrong to stigmatise single mothers. To a standing ovation, he told congress that lone parents were sexed-up exotic messengers from the planet Booty who had earned the right to live among us in rented accommodation and that he will never axe their Housing Benefit.
The Foreign Secretary has done little to quell rumours about his private life by electing to wear shag bands on both arms and was keen to show off his own specialty – a red and purple bracelet intertwined and worn just above the elbow.
‘I’m calling it the “double-dip” ,’ he told the party faithful with an impish grin.
However, as so often in the past, the conference thunder was stolen by none other than Margaret Hilda Thatcher. The former PM gave an impromptu back room speech detailing how miners are essentially demonic whilst wearing the infamous black shag band, said to
represent a sex act so daring as to be considered beyond the pale by around six percent of party members.
A blushing Lord Tebbit, recalling the speech she have to conference in 1980, said:
‘Being a week shy of her eighty-fifth birthday you would expect the Baronness to have seen and done it all sexually but, I for one, was always led to believe that the lady was most certainly not for turning.’