Miriam Hogarth from West Drayton confessed her most intimate secrets yesterday under the unending questioning while trying to order a simple sandwich from fast food outlet Subway.
‘It was worse than waterboarding,’ said the distressed office worker, ‘I said I wanted a ham sub and it went mad from there -- what kind of bread? Rustic? Italian? Wholemeal? Rustic Italian wholemeal? 6 inches? 12 inches? What ham? What cheese? And that was before they started throwing demands for decisions on salad and choices of dressing; by the time the teenager behind the counter said ‘anything else?’ I cracked and told him about my post-it notes expenses scam, and sexual fantasies about a threeway with the Camerons.’
‘I also expressed a willingness to take responsibility for a key role in the events of 9/11,’ sobbed Hogarth. ‘Still, I’ll be treated more humanely in Guantanamo. And probably get a tastier lunch too.’